Folks, Ricochet has an image problem. The political Right has long been seen as a bunch of old fuddy-duddies who wouldn’t know a B3 (blah, blah, blah) from a BIH (burn in hell). If you were young and hip, would you want to join such a square web site? Bro, get real!

So what we’ve got to do is change our image. I am hipper and doper than you, so I can tell you what we need to do.

First, we need to adopt hipper names and pseudonyms. She, your new Ricochet name is Cis. Ms. RightAngles, you’re now Ms. LeftAngles. Nanda Pajama-Tantrum, you need something shorter and snappier, perhaps The Pajama Man. Susan, you’re now Quinn the Eskimo. Kate, you’re Shaneka Brown. RushBabe, you’re The CheBabe. Arahant, from now on you’re merely Jose. Front Seat Cat, you’re Shotgun Cat. My new name is I’ve Got a Tat on My Neck. Midget Faded Rattlesnake and Boss Mongo, you two can keep your names. They’re cool enough as it is.

The rest of you: Come up with your own hip name. I can’t do everything for you.

Next, we need to update our language. Right now it smacks of nerdiness and linear thinking. We can do better than that, posse, perhaps by gratuitously inserting the phrase “I’m hip to your groove” every now and then. Wait, that sounds like it comes right out of the sixties. I’m going to have to Google this.

Ok, I’m back again. Here’s a cool phrase I found: “Bible, my squad is phat and faddy.” Translation for the squares: “Truthfully, my friends are hot and and up-to-date.” So from now on, please insert “Bible, my squad is phat and faddy” every now and then. If it matters to you where in your discourse you place the hip phrase, that only means you’re still thinking in a linear mode. Chill out, squad.

In the Ricochet biographies, you can no longer say that you’re from Kansas or Iowa. That’s Flyover Country, guys. From now on we’re from San Fran, La La Land, or Tribeca.

We also need to change our avatars. Here’s a photo of an anonymous hipster, suitably androgynous. We can all use it until we can come up with new and hip avatars of our own.

Listen, it’s not like I’m asking you to get a tat, wear your hair in a bun, or sport a pork pie hat—though if my suggestions in this post don’t work, you may have to do those things.

In the meantime, if we put into effect my suggestions, Ricochet will be attracting crowds of Millennials, Gen Z’s, Centennials, Bicentennials, and Nanocentennials. Our site, Bible, will then be phat and faddy.

If you can think or other ways to attract the young and cool crowd, I’d like to hear them, though I seriously doubt that you’re as hip as I am, so your suggestions will probably be as square as you are. (If you doubt this, look at the clothes you’re now wearing.)

Endnote: As usual, I submitted this post to my wife Marie for her approval. She said, “Kent, it’s not all that clever.” I think she says things like that to crush my spirit.