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The Hallmark Christmas Movie Formula
Did you know that the Hallmark Channel shows Christmas-themed movies at this time of year? Dozens, perhaps hundreds, maybe even thousands of them. Christmas movie after Christmas movie after Christmas movie. And my wife wants to watch them all.
If you’re missed the first few hundred, let me catch you up…
We always have a heroine, a woman with a very important job to do. Someone may ask her if she has a special someone in her life, but of course she doesn’t – she is much too busy for that kind of thing. Her job is her life.
Then there’s a man; she will meet this man twice. The first time will be outside of her work responsibilities, and they will dislike each other immediately and part with disgust. Then she will meet him again, as part of her work, and will discover to her horror that she needs him in some way. They must continue to see each other whether they want to or not.
Someone will have a child. It might be hers from an earlier marriage, it might be her niece, it might be the man’s child. But this child will want nothing more than something special for Christmas, although it will look like getting this is just not going to be possible.
Probably there will be an older person. Someone whose age allows them to see beyond the troubles of the day to the things that really matter. Someone to dispense wisdom and give hope to the child when the woman and the man seem to be too busy to pay attention.
There might be one ethnic person tossed in for good measure.
Then, wonder of wonders, the project that has forced the man and woman together will cause them to see that they actually are attracted to each other. There will be chaste kissing. This will make the child happy and also, unpredictably, lead to the child’s wish coming true. The old person will nod approvingly and there will be a group hug as the snow begins to fall and jingle bells ring.
There you go — you can turn Hallmark on at any time day or night and pick up where you are in the story in minutes. When one ends, another will start right up. I might as well take my place next to my wife and watch the next one. That’s what Christmas is all about.
Published in Entertainment
My favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard, Hans.
We always liked the MGM 1938 Christmas Carol, but my grandmother was Scottish and preferred the British 1951 version. The Mr. Magoo one from 1962 caused a lot of families to splurge on their first color TV.
Not surprisingly we were partial to sentimental Catholic pictures, on local TV at all times of the year–Going My Way, Boys’ Town, The Last Hurrah–and the Christmas favorite was Come to the Stable, about a naive but capable pair of nuns. Extra points for showing the offices of the Catholic Church being run like a no-nonsense business; we liked that. Old fashioned? Not us! Why, we’ve got priests who can read blueprints and analyze the ins and outs of a mortgage.
Don’t knock all of these. My mother-in-law wrote the books this one and this one were based on. And there’s this song for one of her Christmas books that she co-wrote.
My brother worked on a pretty good, recent Christmas movie, Angels Sing, starring Harry Connick Jr, Connie Britton, Kris Kristofferson, Willie Nelson, and about half the musicians in Austin. I think it runs on Hallmark.
There is a scene where Willie sings Silent Night. After a take, my brother mentioned that one of his favorite Christmas memories was our grandmother singing it to us in the original German. Willie did the next take in German. Not many dry eyes on the set.
Here’s a 1977 TV version of It Happened One Night, “It Happened One Christmas“, which has the rare distinction of having a conservative screenwriter (outspoken Lionel Chetwynd) and a conservative director (Donald Wrye). The resulting product is not in fact all that right wing; not everything our people do has to be covered in eagles, flags and rifles.
Hallmark is Christmas Porn.
Canadian Christmas Porn shot in Vancouver.
In April.
I’m still stuck with a stupid watch chain and a bunch of combs from last Christmas.
Don’t forget the ABC Family variations! These often involve a woman with an overbearing mother who wants her to settle down already, a relationship with the wrong guy that fails just before Christmas, and the need to pay/coerce/otherwise hoodwink some hunky guy into pretending to be her fiance at the family Christmas. Naturally, the hunky guy falls in love with her, and everyone ends up happy and full of holiday cheer.
I’ve never seen these Hallmark Christmas movies, evidently for grownups! But I have been struck by the formula for the kids’ movies.
Why is someone always trying to “steal” Christmas? Why does someone always say the line, “Hurry! Or the children will have no toys this year!”
Those are still great! Going My way – great movie. Gritty even in it’s own way; real anyway. And Bing Crosby – that dude was a five tool player. Don’t you still want to be part of that parish? Don’t you still tear up when Fr. Fitzgibbon’s mother shuffles into the church? Don’t you feel the friendship – and sadness of parting – when they share that last drink?
Although I’m ashamed to admit it as a Catholic, I like the Bishop’s Wife even better.
One problem I always had with this film. What kinda jerk schedules the office Christmas party for Christmas Eve? I was happy when he bought it in the conference room (SPOILER!) “Thats what you get for having an office party on Christmas EVE! B***H!”
The films I try to see each Christmas, are Miracle on 34, Wonderful Life, and one of the Die Hards I think 1 & 2 are my favorites, but its a close run thing.
Cary Grant, David Niven, and Loretta Young, a great cast.
Oh, Henry. You shouldn’t have!
One of our family traditions is to watch White Christmas.
Over
and
over
and
over
and
over
Actually, there are 4. I love Christmas, but these movies started before Halloween. Way too much. Besides, with 4 different channels, surely they could save one of them for their regular programming. I’m thinking of contacting them to request this.
I agree, Christmas shouldnt start until after Remembrance Day.
Nov 11? Agreed.
While I’d like to see it at least Armistice Day, I’d rather push it to the weekend after Thanksgiving.
& box! Let’s throw in Bells of St.Mary, too! That Leo McCarey, he sure could write’em…
Of course, my favorite Christmas movie is also a McCarey picture, Make way for tomorrow. Has that all-American grab-the-future, leave-the-past-behind spirit. Sometimes I think Yasujiro Ozu just stole it, root & branch, to make Tokyo story, but placed the camera two feet lower for some of the shots…
I don’t watch Hallmark, but I know what you mean. All I can suggest by way of improvement is a little crooning. E.g., Bob Crosby.
Also, I feel Hallmark has a case against us. First, they give us everything we say we believe in–American pie! We react with scorn. Now, maybe we aren’t all as clueless as my friend Doug, & maybe we know enough to indulge the wife’s sentimentality, but don’t we in our hearts agree with him? It’s hard to watch Titanic & not root for the iceberg.
There’s maybe something the matter with us.
Day-amn, you Romanians know how to put the Roman in Roman Catholic! Bells of St Mary’s, of course. Make Way for Tomorrow is almost unbearably poignant, not what people expect. Certainly not what I expected, but what a powerhouse, at least in parts.
I’d like to do a post about Easter movies, 1952-1965, less from the obvious point of view (redeeming mankind from consequences of their sins, etc) and more from the technical point of view relating to their title credit scenes and how they reflect the changing attitude towards what they’re about to show you. They are “tells”, cultural tipoffs revealing Hollywood’s fairly rapid religious conversion towards the idea that God didn’t exist.
Amazing.
Just for kicks, I searched for the Hallmark channel the minute I finished reading this post and first few comments and I found a movie in progress: Lovely lady walks into what looks like a community center or school, festooned with Christmas decorations, in order to tell some cute young man stacking chairs in there that “You were right. I was wrong . . . They’ve closed the [Christmas Tree] lot. We have to find Gary. Please. Say you’ll help me. For the trees.”
“Okay,” he says (smiling ruefully . . . and handsomely), “for the trees.”
In the time it took for me to type that, young lady found Gary, a wise and kind older gentleman, played by an actor I know for sure is Canadian.
Wow. You guys are good.
With Eagles, Flags and Rifles (2019) The first of a projected series of movies covering Christmas as experienced by America’s servicemen and -women. In this installment, Valley Forge. Susan Smith, high-spirited eldest daughter of the …
I think the stories are basically contemporary versions of Cinderella.
My mom had the Hallmark channel on over the weekend.
This particular iteration of the Hallmark monomyth took place in a town called “Cookie Jar” because the entire local economy was based around baked goods. Everyone in town smiled as if they’d receive a painful electric shock in the medulla if they thought a thought that wasn’t sufficiently winsome. Perhaps they didn’t want to confront the uncomfortable fact that their livelihoods hung on consumer’s fickle demand for Christmas cookies in a unforgiving, post-gluten world.
Incidentally, the heroine was there on behalf of a faceless corporation based in New York City to acquire the local cookie manufacturer. I mercifully fell asleep at this point, but I’m sure everything went down as prescribed.
Could be worse. The entire economy could be based on shoes and reach the point of no return with the Shoe Event Horizon.
Douglas Adams.
Are we doing the Christmas cards this year? Watch Hallmark Christmas movies and write out my cards – if I get distracted, the next movie will pick up the same theme!