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The Hallmark Christmas Movie Formula
Did you know that the Hallmark Channel shows Christmas-themed movies at this time of year? Dozens, perhaps hundreds, maybe even thousands of them. Christmas movie after Christmas movie after Christmas movie. And my wife wants to watch them all.
If you’re missed the first few hundred, let me catch you up…
We always have a heroine, a woman with a very important job to do. Someone may ask her if she has a special someone in her life, but of course she doesn’t – she is much too busy for that kind of thing. Her job is her life.
Then there’s a man; she will meet this man twice. The first time will be outside of her work responsibilities, and they will dislike each other immediately and part with disgust. Then she will meet him again, as part of her work, and will discover to her horror that she needs him in some way. They must continue to see each other whether they want to or not.
Someone will have a child. It might be hers from an earlier marriage, it might be her niece, it might be the man’s child. But this child will want nothing more than something special for Christmas, although it will look like getting this is just not going to be possible.
Probably there will be an older person. Someone whose age allows them to see beyond the troubles of the day to the things that really matter. Someone to dispense wisdom and give hope to the child when the woman and the man seem to be too busy to pay attention.
There might be one ethnic person tossed in for good measure.
Then, wonder of wonders, the project that has forced the man and woman together will cause them to see that they actually are attracted to each other. There will be chaste kissing. This will make the child happy and also, unpredictably, lead to the child’s wish coming true. The old person will nod approvingly and there will be a group hug as the snow begins to fall and jingle bells ring.
There you go — you can turn Hallmark on at any time day or night and pick up where you are in the story in minutes. When one ends, another will start right up. I might as well take my place next to my wife and watch the next one. That’s what Christmas is all about.
Published in Entertainment
Wait. Every so often the woman is somehow stranded in an unlikely locale, is initially annoyed at her circumstances, but encounters a man (hunk) who is loved by the community, has a solid, manly job, and is sadly a widower with a young child who is cute as a button. The woman sees the error in her hard charging lifestyle and learns the True Meaning of Christmas from the lovable townspeople and her new man. Variant: the woman has a young child, who is cute as a button.
I know this because I’ve seen it at least a dozen times with different actors, some of whom are Canadian.
Also, The main characters are often unbelievably good looking. The men look like Ken dolls come to life.
I know this because I have an older friend who always has the Hallmark Channel on when we come in. The attractiveness of the actors and actresses makes good conversation. And I’ve noticed that yes, Christmas movies are indeed playing nonstop at this time of year.
I love this post.
This stuff is already clogging my DVR. Every time we watch one, three more appear.
The locations look like Hallmark cards come to life. Which I guess makes sense. Doesn’t anybody have tacky decorations or live near a trailer park? They also need to share their solution for homelessness.
The beautiful heroine is usually very cynical about Christmas but the handsome hunk And adorable child help her learn the true meaning of the season.
My husband And I watch these together. He loves them.
And that man is played by Patrick Dempsey.
Dimples are necessary. Gregory Harrison, alas, is now too old, but left his mark.
Sometimes the solution for homelessness is the shelter that the handsome man runs that will be in desperate need of the rich business woman’s funds.
Matt Bartle and Hoyacon are but two of the stars of the satire/irony/cliche aficionados on this thread. Kudos to all.
Details vary. Sometimes it’s a brilliant, handsome young pediatrician who’s always really wanted to leave the big city and return to his home town to build a baby hospital, a place where ability to pay is never even considered, a place where no medicine had been practiced whatsoever since the cruel owners of the evil factory closed it in 1985. The doctor has always dreamed of a lovely, rambling three story home, a white picket fence, and just the right lady to raise a family of two or three or four lucky kids.
Well, that’s what he wants, but what about her needs? Doesn’t anyone ever think about that? And when he realizes that he’s just taken for granted that his dreams would be hers, there’s an intense moment, often inspired by church music and the memory of someone near, that says she should forgive him. The engagement ring makes it the most unforgettable Christmas ever.
My wife watches the Hallmark Christmas collection every year. I’m okay with it, not that I have any real say in the matter anyway. It could be far worse she could be watching Thelma and Louise, or the Titanic with what’s his name, and what’s her name, as you can tell I really enjoyed that one. About 30 minutes into the Titanic I told my wife I was rooting for the iceberg. The living room became as cold as the North Atlantic, no arm around the shoulder for me.
Just to let you know how out of touch we are, I didn’t even know there was such a thing. But then again, our TV has only been on maybe three times since last Christmas, so we miss a lot.
Dad?
When did you join Ricochet?
Wait, does this mean you’re not a liberal Democrat anymore?!
I may just come over & watch one of those sappy movies with you and mom, because this is a Christmas miracle!
Let me briefly take my fingers out of my ears and stop shouting “I’m not listening I’m not listening I’m not listening…” to say: Matt, doesn’t your wife know we just barely passed Halloween and we’re still weeks away from Thanksgiving?
Geez, no wonder there are no Christmas movies to be found after 12/25, everyone is probably sick of them after watching for two months straight.
There’s another category, too: Prince from obscure European royal family is not happy with his lot so he makes a run for it to America. Here he meets a strong, independent woman who reacquaints him with simple joys. She may be just a little ditsy but in a lovable way. He falls in love and takes her home where she gets to stay in an actual castle! But the royal family is not happy with this development. Will they ever learn to accept her? It seems not, but then… Well, you know. Snowflakes, jingle bells.
I actually have a soft spot for one of these: A Prince for Christmas, as it was filmed in Western New York and I recognized many of the locations they used.
There’s also the variation where one of the main characters is Santa’s next of kin (or trusted elf/angel/enchanted yule log) who must seek out someone with Christmas-in-their-Heart(c) in order to continue the family business.
Not only is everyone good looking, but you will recognize one or two of the actors because they will formerly have been in TV series you have seen.
I’ve seen 2 of these – but without any Xmas elements in them.
I think I saw that one.
Ha! We watched that one last year and it was re-run last night.
One thing I’ve learned when there’s a TV discussion on Ricochet – some of us watch a LOT of TV.
Ha ha… I don’t watch Hallmark. But Miracle on 34th Street is pretty spot on to this cliche…
I like By the Light of the Silvery Moon, The Grinch, and The Santa Clause for holiday viewing fare. And as for weeks before Christmas? I’m decorating next week before we head out of town for Thanksgiving.
I hate that, but there’s just so much to do for Christmas! I barely got it done last year!
You really should watch a couple. It’s amazing how true to the formula described they all are – the scripts could literally be punched out by a computer.
Make fun all you want of Hallmark (and they have TWO channels of all Christmas movies) but taking on Miracle (at least the original one) is going too far ;-)
Yes, was going to add this important plot device. And, in case you don’t celebrate Christmas, basically, the same movie is played all year long in different “small town America” locales. When I want to cringe from too much sentimentality and not gore, profanity or sexual deviancy, I turn on the Hallmark Channel. It never varies and therefore never disappoints!
You forgot a few things. The lady starts out with a boyfriend who is a greedy capitalist who lacks Christmas Spirit. The lady herself isn’t so excited about Christmas until the dashing, romantic new stud fills her up with it. The Christmas Spirit that is.
My wife loves these movies and I’ll maybe watch one or two a year with her. I did have to tell her that I really doubt that firemen sitting around a firehouse spend a lot of talking about how wonderful it is to be in love, or how important the Christmas Spirit is.
There is actually one of these new Christmas movies that breaks formula and is fun, Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever. And a couple years ago the guys at The Blaze (Glenn Beck’s network) put together a low budget but hilarious parody of these formula Christmas movies. It’s called The Christmas Twist and I highly recommend it, if they play it again this year. There are no professional actors in it, it stars Pat, Stu, Jeffy, Glenn, and I think Stu’s wife, Lisa.
I once saw a parody Ayn Rand holiday story, “A Selfish Christmas”, where the world’s children all have to trudge up to the North Pole at Christmastime to learn the true meaning of the season, which is that they are economically useless users, and that Santa Claus alone is the source of their prosperity.
We don’t watch the Hallmark Channel, so I’ve missed most of this genre. But we do watch Love Actually every Christmas. It’s very funny, sad, sweet, etc. and the ending pictures while the credits roll get me every time.
Funniest thing I’ve read in a week. Kudos!
My favorite Christmas movie – probably one of the few not to be played on the Hallmark Chanel – is called “The Ref”. Denis Leary, Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey. Denis Leary plays a burglar who is on the run from the police – when he car jacks a married couple (Davis and Spacey) who are doing last minute shopping for Christmas dinner. He ends up holding the entire family hostage, trying to manage the family dysfunctions whilst maintaining control of his hostages, while the world around him conspires against him.
Its hilarious … Its not violent – nobody gets shot or killed…But its Denis Leary so strong language will be an issue.
Ha ha… in Miracle’s defense, it is probably the originator of the format.
I watch that movie every Christmas, too :)
Reminds me of the South Park episode where everyone decides Christmas really is about love and spending time with family and not spending money, resulting in the local economy crashing. “We learned the true meaning of Christmas — presents.”