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The European Cut – A Real Conspiracy
I have uncovered evidence of a vast left-wing conspiracy designed to emasculate conservative men: The European Cut Men’s Suit.
I know everyone’s talking about the Paul Manafort indictment filed Monday morning. WaPo and NYT and every other mainstream media outlet hyperventilated about it in pieces prepared over the weekend after Robert “Ferris” Mueller or his minions leaked on Friday to CNN. I read the breathless MSM pieces, then I read the actual 31-page indictment.
Guess what? The indictment has nothing to do with Big D or his campaign. In fact, Big D and his campaign are not even mentioned. The bill of indictment charges that Manafort and his partner Richard Gates laundered money for Ukranian interests from 2006 through 2015, and filed misleading federal reports to cover it up.
I think Manafort should have been indicted because he looks so sleazy. He makes Jack Abramoff look like an Hasidic choirboy, if there is such a thing.
What rich irony. The federal government would not have uncovered Manafort’s misdeeds without his involvement in Big D’s campaign. Mueller should give Big D an attaboy for helping uncover the crimes.
And by the way, Ukraine and Russia are at war in eastern Ukraine. Anything Manafort did to help Ukranians would be antithetical to the Russians. The headline should read: Manafort Indicted for Colluding with Russia’s Enemies.
But none of this Manafort stuff is important. What is critical is this: the European Cut Suit poses a significant danger to the republic.
The last conservative stylist or designer in show biz retired when Lorne Greene sold the Ponderosa. Lib designers imposed the European Cut last year in a brazen effort to embarrass men with muscle mass, causing them to look like overstuffed sausages — picture the late Chris Farley wearing a sport coat.
I watched a talking head stand up on his show the other day, and his tight European Cut pants rode up his calf, making it appear he was wearing Capri pants with hideous, multi-colored socks. The arms of his suit coat were stretched so tight over his biceps I thought they would surely rip like David Banner’s clothing when he started turning green.
It’s not enough that the European Cut makes men look silly unless they are built like the late David Bowie or other rock stars like Anderson Cooper, Mia’s son Ronan Sparrow, and the diminutive Geraldo Riviera. The Cut stops blood flow, causing muscle shrinkage, and shrinkage elsewhere, if you know what I mean.
I’ve heard that some muscular conservatives have begun taking Human Shrinkage Hormone, resulting in their producing slender-built spermatozoa, swishing their way through uteri in search of a nice ecru-shaded ova with puddled draperies.
If this timely warning preserves the reproductive rights of just one conservative man with muscles, then I will proudly say, like former person George Bush XXXXIII: Mission Accomplished.
Published in Humor
for example:
from Thom Browne’s (the designer)website.
The only authentically male thing in the picture is that the socks don’t match.
I was going to comment on your choice of XXXXIII instead of the more common XLIII, but I couldn’t craft a punchline.
This is one funny post and associated comments. I can’t decide which is better.
Thanks to all.
Sal, thanks for moderating — even though you aren’t getting paid the big bucks like the other official moderators.
Henry, I laughed at your clever gag lines. Am I too late to get credit?
Thanks for more laughter yoga, Michael! Good to see you.
@arahant has never in his life said “I don’t wanna be a pirate.”