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Early, Early Voting
I waved at the mailperson today as she sped by my house and tossed our mail in the direction of the mailbox. Nestled among my Mensa dues notice, 34 catalogues, and 249 requests for donations was a notice from the Registrar of Voters.
Intellectually curious and highly literate, I opened the envelope.
“EARLY VOTING COMMENCES IN THIRTY DAYS.”
I hopped into my street-legal golf cart, raced downtown to the courthouse, and into the office of County Registrar Cameron “Cam” Payne.
“Cam,” I said, holding out the notice in my quivering right hand, “there’s got to be some mistake. We just had an election.”
“Did you vote?” Cam asked.
“Twice.”
“Good,” he paused. “There’s no mistake. Early voting in the upcoming presidential election begins next month.”
“Upcoming?”
“Yes. The 2020 election.”
“Who’s running?”
“The incumbent, for sure, we think. And Joe Biden just announced he would not rule out a run in 2020. The parties begin their caucus processes in Iowa and Nevada next week. New Hampshire primary follows shortly. If the parties don’t have a candidate when you come in to vote early, you can write-in the candidate of your choice.”
“But how do I know who wants to be President?”
“Are you joking? Every kid in America wants the chance to swim naked in the White House pool.”
I knew I should be thrilled, but somehow, my heart was not in it. I began to tremble thinking about the 2020 campaign cranking up. All the great moments of the 2016 election—Larry David proclaiming in the first Democratic debate that he didn’t give a damn about Hillary’s e-mails; Low Energy Jeb falling asleep and crashing to the floor in the second debate; the Donald’s touching tribute to women in the Billy Bush video; James Comey’s IED(Incredible E-Mail Disclosure)ten days before election day—flashed before my eyes.
“Doesn’t a 47-month early voting period increase the chances of fraud?” I asked.
“Naw,” Cam said, “voter fraud is a myth perpetrated on the public by alt right operatives. There is no voter fraud in America.”
“I heard illegals with state-issued driver’s licenses voted in California.”
“That’s fake news coming out of Russia,” Cam said. “Talk radio, Fox, and Breitbart are getting all their news feeds now from a one-eyed guy named Boris working on a laptop in the basement of the Kremlin. They got free wi-fi down there.” He paused. “Do you want to vote now? The pre-early-voting-period period opened today.”
“I didn’t bring my driver’s license.”
“Shh,” Cam said, looking around. He hustled me into an isolated corner. “Don’t say those two words. You might intimidate someone walking by. We don’t require I.D. or proof of life. And more importantly, we don’t require people to give their real names. We don’t want to frighten anyone.”
“How do you know if they’re registered to vote?”
“A federal judge ruled that when someone walks in and says their name, we have to assume he or she is registered to vote, unless the person provides affidavits or other certified documents that establish beyond a reasonable doubt that he or she is dead or not a legal voter.”
“What do you say in an affidavit to prove you’re dead or not a legal voter?”
“Exactly,” Cam said. “It hasn’t happened yet.”
“Okay,” I said. “I guess I’ll go ahead and vote this morning in the pre-early-voting-period period.”
Cam gave me a ballot. There were no candidates listed. I wrote in Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard. Cam eyed the names suspiciously, then asked me to sign my ballot.
“My real name?” I asked.
“I wouldn’t if I were you,” Cam said walking away.
Michael Henry
Copyright © 2016
Published in Humor
Okay then, the adventure begins. I need to go charge my Kindle to read it.
Well, that depends. Might there be any ” walking around money” involved?
He already made it on this one. You might try going here, though:
http://ricochet.com/395407/secretaire-detat/
Can I pre-early, early vote? I’m in a hurry.
It wasn’t your personal literacy….just the concept….sort of like…gee, the sun is up…I think I’ll have another beer.
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Well said @oldbathos. Just not nearly as funny as @michaelhenry
More. Please.
Thank you for assuaging my slight unease -and acknowledging the utter boredom – that came with voting write-in, absentee back in October. It wasn’t just me, after all…Bless you!