Early, Early Voting

 

          I waved at the mailperson today as she sped by my house and tossed our mail in the direction of the mailbox. Nestled among my Mensa dues notice, 34 catalogues, and 249 requests for donations was a notice from the Registrar of Voters.

          Intellectually curious and highly literate, I opened the envelope.

          “EARLY VOTING COMMENCES IN THIRTY DAYS.”

          I hopped into my street-legal golf cart, raced downtown to the courthouse, and into the office of County Registrar Cameron “Cam” Payne.

          “Cam,” I said, holding out the notice in my quivering right hand, “there’s got to be some mistake. We just had an election.”

          “Did you vote?” Cam asked.

          “Twice.”

          “Good,” he paused. “There’s no mistake. Early voting in the upcoming presidential election begins next month.”

          “Upcoming?”

          “Yes. The 2020 election.”

          “Who’s running?”

          “The incumbent, for sure, we think. And Joe Biden just announced he would not rule out a run in 2020. The parties begin their caucus processes in Iowa and Nevada next week. New Hampshire primary follows shortly. If the parties don’t have a candidate when you come in to vote early, you can write-in the candidate of your choice.”

          “But how do I know who wants to be President?”

          “Are you joking? Every kid in America wants the chance to swim naked in the White House pool.”

          I knew I should be thrilled, but somehow, my heart was not in it. I began to tremble thinking about the 2020 campaign cranking up. All the great moments of the 2016 election—Larry David proclaiming in the first Democratic debate that he didn’t give a damn about Hillary’s e-mails; Low Energy Jeb falling asleep and crashing to the floor in the second debate; the Donald’s touching tribute to women in the Billy Bush video; James Comey’s IED(Incredible E-Mail Disclosure)ten days before election day—flashed before my eyes.

          “Doesn’t a 47-month early voting period increase the chances of fraud?” I asked.

          “Naw,” Cam said, “voter fraud is a myth perpetrated on the public by alt right operatives. There is no voter fraud in America.”

          “I heard illegals with state-issued driver’s licenses voted in California.”

          “That’s fake news coming out of Russia,” Cam said. “Talk radio, Fox, and Breitbart are getting all their news feeds now from a one-eyed guy named Boris working on a laptop in the basement of the Kremlin. They got free wi-fi down there.” He paused. “Do you want to vote now? The pre-early-voting-period period opened today.”

          “I didn’t bring my driver’s license.”

          “Shh,” Cam said, looking around. He hustled me into an isolated corner. “Don’t say those two words. You might intimidate someone walking by. We don’t require I.D. or proof of life. And more importantly, we don’t require people to give their real names. We don’t want to frighten anyone.”

          “How do you know if they’re registered to vote?”

          “A federal judge ruled that when someone walks in and says their name, we have to assume he or she is registered to vote, unless the person provides affidavits or other certified documents that establish beyond a reasonable doubt that he or she is dead or not a legal voter.”

          “What do you say in an affidavit to prove you’re dead or not a legal voter?”

          “Exactly,” Cam said. “It hasn’t happened yet.”

          “Okay,” I said. “I guess I’ll go ahead and vote this morning in the pre-early-voting-period period.”

          Cam gave me a ballot. There were no candidates listed. I wrote in Moe Howard, Larry Fine, and Curly Howard. Cam eyed the names suspiciously, then asked me to sign my ballot.

          “My real name?” I asked.

          “I wouldn’t if I were you,” Cam said walking away.

Michael Henry

Copyright © 2016

Published in Humor
This post was promoted to the Main Feed by a Ricochet Editor at the recommendation of Ricochet members. Like this post? Want to comment? Join Ricochet’s community of conservatives and be part of the conversation. Join Ricochet for Free.

There are 39 comments.

Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.
  1. Jan Inactive
    Jan
    @Jan

    Hahahah!  Thanks for sharing your humor.  Love it!

    • #1
  2. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Love it, love it, love it.

    So much to call out in there.

    MichaelHenry: “I wouldn’t if I were you,” Cam said walking away.

    So, it is obvious that you have been writing for awhile, and I am now suspecting the Mensa bit is a running joke. Would you like to fill us in on how that got started?

    • #2
  3. OldDan Rhody Member
    OldDan Rhody
    @OldDanRhody

    MichaelHenry: I hopped into my street-legal golf cart, raced downtown to the courthouse

    And thanks for that image too!

    • #3
  4. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    MichaelHenry“How do you know if they’re registered to vote?”

    “A federal judge ruled that when someone walks in and says their name, we have to assume he or she is registered to vote, unless the person provides affidavits or other certified documents that establish beyond a reasonable doubt that he or she is dead or not a legal voter.”

    “What do you say in an affidavit to prove you’re dead or not a legal voter?”

    “Exactly,” Cam said. “It hasn’t happened yet.”

    :)

    • #4
  5. Old Bathos Member
    Old Bathos
    @OldBathos

    Years ago, my brother practiced law in New Orleans.  His boss was a major distributor of cash from God knows what sources for the election day ‘get-out-the-vote’ drive in neighborhoods where citizens expect financial incentives to cast a ballot.  He also knew drivers of vans who in the spirit of civic-mindedness pick up voters and drove them to the polling place and then took those voters to the next polling place…

    He did not bother to report any of this because in New Orleans who you gonna call who won’t just laugh at you?  That was back in the day when Edwin Edwards boasted he could not lose re-election unless “I’m caught in bed with either a dead girl or a live boy.”

    If the GOP Congress (with a soon to be conservative SCOTUS) accomplishes nothing else, voter registration reform should be at the top of the list: Only living American citizens with ID get to vote, only once and only in the place where they actually live.  We will then see how much of Hillary’s 2 or 3 million vote edge is real.

     

    • #5
  6. Sweezle Inactive
    Sweezle
    @Sweezle

    Please keep writing these funny, witty posts. They are wonderful.

    • #6
  7. MichaelHenry Member
    MichaelHenry
    @MichaelHenry

    @arahant  Tks for asking. I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of MENSA. However, my alter ego is a very active member. He’s also very proud of the many accomplishments in his life, some of which are quite surprising. BTW, he likes to let you know about his varied accomplishments, including the fact that as a college basketball player he was NCAA 7th Team All-American Honorable Mention, and still holds the record at his university for most double-dribbles in a single game. Arahant, I appreciate your interest in my columns. I don’t know the accepted protocol for how often I can post. Need some support to get Early, Early Voting on Main Feed. Not sure if it’s a breach of etiquette to seek supporters. I really have no idea what I am doing, or where I am, so, I gotta go. Later. MH

    • #7
  8. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    MichaelHenry: I don’t know the accepted protocol for how often I can post.

    As often as you want. Although you get more love if you participate in other people’s conversations. Just a reality anywhere. There are a few contributors here who basically just drop and go, never replying or participating even in their own conversations. There are also some members who post their content and will nurse their own conversations along, but never show up in other people’s conversations. For some reason, both of the above categories tend to get fewer comments and “upvotes.”

    Again, that’s a reality anywhere. I used to participate in critiquing forums for various types of writing, music, and art. Those who helped others tended to get more and better critiques. Those who were focused on themselves tended to get less response. It was, “Seek ye first the kingdom, and all others things will be added unto you.” At Ricochet, it is the same, but substitute “conversation” for “kingdom.”

    My ratio of comments to posts is about 270:1 at the moment, but I’m an outlier on that. Another fellow who participates around here is at about 20:1. That might be a good average to shoot for. Or, at least 10:1.

    That said, you’re an excellent writer and giving us fun stuff. It’s appreciated and I have certainly been doing what I can to attract attention to you.

    • #8
  9. Matt White Member
    Matt White
    @

    MichaelHenry: I don’t know the accepted protocol for how often I can post.

    Post as much as you want.  We will let you know when we don’t want anymore.  Ignore the first few complaints, though.

    Need some support to get Early, Early Voting on Main Feed. Not sure if it’s a breach of etiquette to seek supporters.

    Not a problem.

    I really have no idea what I am doing, or where I am, so, I gotta go.

    It seems to have worked out well this time.

    • #9
  10. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    MichaelHenry: Need some support to get Early, Early Voting on Main Feed. Not sure if it’s a breach of etiquette to seek supporters.

    I wouldn’t call it a breach of etiquette. You might not want to get to where you expect it every time. Again with the ratios, I’m at about 14:1 total conversations versus promoted. But then, I write poetry and about poetry. You write good stuff, on the other hand. :D

    • #10
  11. Percival Thatcher
    Percival
    @Percival

    Matt White:

    MichaelHenry: I don’t know the accepted protocol for how often I can post.

    Post as much as you want. We will let you know when we don’t want anymore. Ignore the first few complaints, though.

    Need some support to get Early, Early Voting on Main Feed. Not sure if it’s a breach of etiquette to seek supporters.

    Not a problem.

    I really have no idea what I am doing, or where I am, so, I gotta go.

    It seems to have worked out well this time.

    Ignore all the complaints. There are some extraordinarily fussy people around here sometimes.

    You can ignore me, for instance. And @arahant, because he’s a menace.

    • #11
  12. profdlp Inactive
    profdlp
    @profdlp

    MichaelHenry: …I really have no idea what I am doing, or where I am…

    You’ll fit right in.

    • #12
  13. Larry Koler Inactive
    Larry Koler
    @LarryKoler

    profdlp:

    MichaelHenry: …I really have no idea what I am doing, or where I am…

    You’ll fit right in.

    It seems to me, too, that he knows what he’s doing.

    Whatever it is and wherever it comes from, MH — please keep it up. Fun stuff.

    • #13
  14. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    I’m also guessing the mensa comments are some sort of running gag.

    • #14
  15. michael johnson Inactive
    michael johnson
    @michaeljohnson

    I challenge the concept of being “highly literate”.   what do you mean? that you know the meaning of all the words?  who are you…John Kerry???  do you understand “nuance”???  do you know how to;  in Paris , in French, get your fingernails polished??”:?  I don’t think so

    • #15
  16. Larry Koler Inactive
    Larry Koler
    @LarryKoler

    michael johnson:I challenge the concept of being “highly literate”. what do you mean? that you know the meaning of all the words? who are you…John Kerry??? do you understand “nuance”??? do you know how to; in Paris , in French, get your fingernails polished??”:? I don’t think so

    That’ll teach him. Good on ya.

    • #16
  17. Trinity Waters Member
    Trinity Waters
    @

    Humor!  Yes!!  Frighteningly close to reality, tho.  Brrrr.  Well done!

    • #17
  18. Doctor Robert Member
    Doctor Robert
    @DoctorRobert

    MichaelHenry: @arahant Tks for asking. I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of MENSA. However, my alter ego is a very active member.

    I joined Mensa after college.

    Left after a year.  Too many stupid people.

    • #18
  19. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Doctor Robert:

    MichaelHenry: @arahant Tks for asking. I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of MENSA. However, my alter ego is a very active member.

    I joined Mensa after college.

    Left after a year. Too many stupid people.

    I visited a meeting when I was in college. Most boring set of people I ever met. Didn’t want to be one of them.

    • #19
  20. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Arahant:

    Doctor Robert:

    MichaelHenry: @arahant Tks for asking. I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of MENSA. However, my alter ego is a very active member.

    I joined Mensa after college.

    Left after a year. Too many stupid people.

    I visited a meeting when I was in college. Most boring set of people I ever met. Didn’t want to be one of them.

    I was too smart to go in the first place.

    • #20
  21. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Judge Mental: I was too smart to go in the first place.

    I shore wish I had yer brainz, Judge, but only in a zombie sort of way.

    • #21
  22. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Arahant:

    Judge Mental: I was too smart to go in the first place.

    I shore wish I had yer brainz, Judge, but only in a zombie sort of way.

    Sure, so you could gain my knowledge.

    • #22
  23. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Two for two on the Main Feed, @michaelhenry You are truly a writing beast.

    • #23
  24. MichaelHenry Member
    MichaelHenry
    @MichaelHenry

    Thanks, Charley(?). Appreciate your support and comments. Michael Henry

    • #24
  25. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Is there an order for reading your books? You have me very interested.

    • #25
  26. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    Arahant:Is there an order for reading your books? You have me very interested.

    Explains the writing.  And the copyright.

    • #26
  27. Arahant Member
    Arahant
    @Arahant

    Judge Mental:

    Arahant:Is there an order for reading your books? You have me very interested.

    Explains the writing. And the copyright.

    Eh, the copyright marking is an unnecessary gesture, except as double protection, especially from those who are totally ignorant of copyright law. Of course, half of them would just not copy that line anyway.

    • #27
  28. MichaelHenry Member
    MichaelHenry
    @MichaelHenry

    michael johnson:I challenge the concept of being “highly literate”. what do you mean? that you know the meaning of all the words? who are you…John Kerry??? do you understand “nuance”??? do you know how to; in Paris , in French, get your fingernails polished??”:? I don’t think so

    @michaeljohnson I strenuously object to your questioning the level of my literacy, Mr. Big Shot, but I do thank you for mentioning Jean Kerry, who is being overlooked by the Trump transition team for reappointment. The tragic omission led me to post a comment on the member feed just now about Le Secretaire D’Etat. Michael Henry

    • #28
  29. MichaelHenry Member
    MichaelHenry
    @MichaelHenry

    @arahant @judgemental  Thanks for asking about my books. They’re listed in order on my website, http://www.michaelhenryauthor.com  The first one, THREE BAD YEARS, started as a screenplay and knocked around in Hollywood for 5 years. After nearly dying from encouragement out there, I converted it to my first novel. My recurring character in 7 of the novels is Willie Mitchell Banks, a District Attorney in the Mississippi Delta. I was a D.A. in a previous life in Louisiana, and got tired of reading the best-selling legal thrillers where the D.A. was almost always portrayed as mean, stupid, and devious. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was all of those, but I knew some D.A.’s who were not. Michael Henry        BTW, Judge Mental, when your site name is fused, your nom de plume becomes the British spelling of judgmental, which adds an e between the g and the m, and is also the current accepted American spelling by Wal-Mart shoppers all over this great nation. MH

     

    • #29
  30. Judge Mental Member
    Judge Mental
    @JudgeMental

    MichaelHenry:@arahant @judgemental Thanks for asking about my books. They’re listed in order on my website, http://www.michaelhenryauthor.com The first one, THREE BAD YEARS, started as a screenplay and knocked around in Hollywood for 5 years. After nearly dying from encouragement out there, I converted it to my first novel. My recurring character in 7 of the novels is Willie Mitchell Banks, a District Attorney in the Mississippi Delta. I was a D.A. in a previous life in Louisiana, and got tired of reading the best-selling legal thrillers where the D.A. was almost always portrayed as mean, stupid, and devious. Now, don’t get me wrong, I was all of those, but I knew some D.A.’s who were not. Michael Henry BTW, Judge Mental, when your site name is fused, your nom de plume becomes the British spelling of judgmental, which adds an e between the g and the m, and is also the current accepted American spelling by Wal-Mart shoppers all over this great nation. MH

    Please, I prefer nom de guerre.

    • #30
Become a member to join the conversation. Or sign in if you're already a member.