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Healing the Wounds
Today I was moved by Arahant’s most recent post, written in his usual gifted, thoughtful way. The other day I wrote a post about reconciliation, on the Ricochet site and in all our relationships, as the elections loom ahead. As Barkah commented in that post, people may need to vent for a while before reconciling. I agreed. In my hurry to patch up relationships, I forgot one very important factor. Wounds need time to heal, and it can be a very, very slow process.
So how does one heal?
First, a person needs to decide that he or she wants to heal, as opposed to brandishing their wounds for all to see. Some of us like to remind people of our suffering, of our hurt, and we want them somehow to pay for it; we think that someone else has the key to our well-being. Some of us have been injured so deeply that we can’t imagine moving past our wounds.
Second, people who are wounded need to be patient with others who are wounded. Some of the wounds go very deep, having touched into scars that never quite healed, that they seem impossible to mend. We can also become so pre-occupied with our injuries that we become insular to others’ pain and don’t want anyone to notice the damage we’ve suffered. But we know it’s there.
Next, our wounds may have festered for so long that we decided to move on to a place where we think we can’t be hurt, that feels much safer. But life is filled with uncertainty, with “dangerous” places, and we can unexpectedly become caught in a storm of anger and violence. Before we know it, we have suffered another new wound and in some ways it may hurt worse than the others, because we thought we were protected. As much as I love life, I hate to admit that there is no safe place.
Finally, wounds need tender, loving care. We need to recognize them, own them, and work to heal them for our own well-being. We may consider making amends with others, even though we may be rejected, to begin our healing and allow for theirs. We may need to go through a “letting go” process, which is difficult but very powerful.
We may realize that there simply are malevolent people everywhere, who carry that burden with them all their lives. That means we must choose our friends carefully, honor them, appreciate them, and comfort them when they need it.
A path to healing is a transformative process. I hope you will join me in pursuing it.
Published in Culture
I’m not a Christian, mollysmom, but your comment made me think about how each of us is responsible for doing the right thing. When we act, one person at a time, we can eventually come together. Thank you.
Apropos of nothing, I’ll repost the story of two Buddhist monks which I related in a comment on another thread several days ago. This telling of it comes from this website:
The first time I heard a version of that story, many decades ago, was from my exasperated husband, and I wasn’t inclined to listen to its message just then.
But, with the passage of time comes understanding, and now I think of it, and its very wise message, often.
I agree, Aaron. My call to reconciliation was premature. But I also like to plant seeds for healing and reconciliation, because in the midst of the turmoil that may erupt after the election, we may forget the possibilities and do more damage to our relationships.
Oh, FSC, what a gift you are! I loved the ad, but more than that, I feel so fortunate when someone truly gets what I’m talking about!! Thank you, bless you.
The temporal isn’t as important as the eternal. I have had family members and good friends that I disagree with strongly on politics, but do not wish to ruin the much higher percent of good times with them. It takes some restraint and I am trying to learn tact. I allow them to say what they want, may make a statement. I then change the subject. The temptation to call names, etc. is cathartic for anyone who is disappointed and discouraged. I am such an insignificant person in the big scheme of politics, that it is not worth it to me to ruin a relationship. Most of my life and interactions with others has nothing to do with politics. It’s getting harder, though, when everything is a political choice (food, kids, education, the weather used to be the most benign political topic you could have, etc.).
You are so right, She. I pray that revenge doesn’t become the rallying cry. It will only do more damage. Haven’t we seen enough pain and hatred to last us a lifetime?? (I’m saying to everyone else.) Let’s not eat our own. There’s plenty of food for thought and relationship building to do.
It’s one of my favorite Buddhist stories and so relevant today!
It would be nice if there could be reconciliation. There likely will not be because we have a group of intellectually vacuous people who have decided not only they are the intellectual guardians of conservatism but turned it into a set of rationalizations for giving them whatever they want. The Trump movement within the Republican party and conservative circles was in addition to being a rejection of Washington was a rejection of the entire self appointed “conservative” intellectual establishment. If conservatism is to survive, it needs a new set of intellectual leaders and thinkers. They old ones are finished. The process of finding new ones and defining the movement as something other than the politics of moderately educated white people who like cheap consumer goods, the acceptance of their leftist friends but don’t like taxes and abortion will take a while. It won’t be pleasant but it is something that has to happen.
Thanks for the vote of confidence!
I don’t know if you’re serious in your comment, Mark, or if it’s in jest, but I refuse to point to one group or another and place the blame for nasty behavior. Nor will I argue about who starts it or does it more. Those issues just exacerbate the problems. Time to heal. Now if you were kidding, I’ll just smile. ;-)
Many insightful comments here, Ralphie. Attaining wisdom is a process, and I think you’re on the right path!
There is a lovely description of what “the Party of Lincoln” meant in Bruce Catton’s U.S. Grant and the American Military Tradition (a small book which is an excellent introduction to Grant’s memoirs.)
Catton contrasts the physical appearance of Grant (in a private’s uniform with a general’s stars, no sword, whittling with a jackknife as he waited for Lee) and Lee (dignified, immaculate and well-tailored uniform, officer’s sword.)
He then discusses the surrender itself: If a Confederate soldier, or officer, including Lee agreed to not take up arms against the USA and to abide by its laws, the government agreed to let them be. There was talk in Washington from the Radical Republicans of hangings and proscriptions.
But as Catton put it, if Lincoln’s victorious general said you couldn’t hang Lee, you couldn’t hang anyone. Lincoln and Grant did that for the country; that, wrote Catton, had a grandeur all its own.
There was no Cultural Revolution here, no struggle sessions to impose intellectual or ideological uniformity in the name of reconciliation.
Indeed! I knew Lincoln wasn’t going to punish the rebs, but I didn’t realize that Grant supported that plan. It is truly what allowed the national to heal! Wonderful point, Otlc.
Thanks. I have a soft spot for Catton; my junior high school history teacher used him extensively and well.
I hadn’t checked Amazon for the book recently, it’s not only available very cheap used, it’s on Kindle Unlimited right now so if you’re an Amazon Prime member you can read it as part of your membership. I highly recommend it.
And there it is, only had to wait 2 hours:
The Union may have healed, but the underlying issues of racism and racial injustice were swept under the rug and allowed to fester in the form of Jim Crow laws and segregation for over a century, with consequences we’re still dealing with.
“Time heals all wounds” isn’t really true, sometimes a doctor first needs to remove the tumor or amputate the gangrenous leg to remove the deadly infection from the body before real healing can begin.
I think Kindle Unlimited requires a monthly subscription fee over and above the Prime membership fee.
It’s confusing, they also have something called the Kindle Lending Library that allows Prime members to borrow one book per month for free. Some Kindle Unlimited books are also included in the Lending Library, but some are not.
It gets worse. They now have Kindle Prime, which is included with Prime but has a smaller selection than Unlimited.
Since I’ve been #NeverTrump, from the beginning and I’m still in strong opposition from him I believe I know what “never” means Susan.
I will never join forces with the white nationalist, and I will not be allied with people who make excuses for their evil ideals. End of story.
The Union didn’t really “heal” until after the people who thought in the Civil War, and their children were either anciently old or dead.
It also required the sacrifice that came from not one, but two World Wars. But even then it didn’t last long with the Civil Rights era followed, and turmoil of the 60s and 70s began.
I was referring to the never in the above sentence.
Catton, describing Grant’s last days (spent finishing his memoirs, knowing the sales would put his family in a sound financial position) writes this:
Grant was also a President that didn’t want to inflict any further harm on Native American people as well. Strangely, he did flirt with anti-semitism before Lincoln squashed it. Here is what an Arapaho Indian Carl Sweezy had to say about him,
“So he <Grant> saw to it that good men were sen to charge of our Agency, and good officers and soldiers to Fort Reno when it was built across the river from the Agency in 1875. There was more than one white man’s road that we might take, and President Grant wanted us to take the right one.”
Politics is about addition and coalitions. How do we address the concerns of Trump people while still increasing our outreach to blacks and Latinos? I’d reference Milton Friedman’s ideas on how to assist poor people.
You know, Henry, I’ve lately noticed that I have an uneasiness about the word “outreach.” Somehow it suggests that we have to position ourselves to attract others to our cause. There is nothing inherently wrong with that, I think, but I’m concerned about the “compromises” we might need to make to please others. But I guess, that’s politics, isn’t it.
Actually, I think we should stick to our principles. We ought to say, “The left wants to give you free poor quality stuff and keep you poor. We want to enable you to not be poor. Our deal is a lot harder but it leads to human happiness.”
Beautifully said. I vote yes!