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November Gift Giving Guide: In Support of the Chia Pet
Sometimes a Chia Pet is the proper gift for even the most serious, formal occasion. For instance, if you give a questionable gift for a serious occasion and it turns out to prove deeply flawed, you look foolish and may irreparable harm to your relationship and those you love. But a Chia Pet isn’t questionable. It isn’t a deplorable choice. It’s just obviously, intentionally wrong.
And sometimes, you don’t have a choice.
A Chia Pet is the pause button of gifts. A place holder. A veritable Mulligan. Admitting you don’t really have a gift is much better than buying a broken or fraudulent gift you don’t like any way. Why give the gold mantle clock if you know it’s phony and has repeatedly proven it can’t be trusted with the time of day? Or, worse, what if it doesn’t sound the alarm at 3:00 a.m., and your friend is left alone to suffer?
No, giving a truly wrong, untrustworthy gift is much worse than giving the Chia Pet.
You don’t hold your nose and give a Chia Pet. You hand if over laughing, not even properly wrapped. It is a gift that’s giving is giftier than the gift itself.
If you are going to give the Chia Pet, you must do so in full embrace of the buffoonery of it all.
Sure, a Chia Pet will offend some people. But, if so, that’s the point. Some people require offending. Their arrogance and pretentiousness are such that no gift you choose would be to their hollow standard. They will pontificate on the glories of the phony clock because it looks like what they want a glorious gift to be, though everyone in the room can already see it’s chronography can’t be trusted and it’s ticking has become erratic, perhaps even wheezy. And they will hold you in no less or more contempt whether you bring the Chia Pet or the most prized memento from your library. In fact, they especially loath those mementos, dismissing them as anachronisms of a by-gone eras that never really existed. Such heartfelt mementos were long ago wiped from their acceptable gift lists, in their oh-so-tolerant ways.
Now, don’t get me wrong. A Chia Pet is not — absolutely not — a preferred gift. It is far from ideal.
But if the good china and appliances in the gift registry are taken, if the store’s shelves are cleaned out of the respectable tome’s of that will inspire and enlighten your host to a better life, then let the joke be on them.
And a Chia Pet does some things very well. It fills space. It adds color. Generates conversation. All things a real gift should.
A Chia Pet looks and acts ridiculous with its oange-ish hue and wild coiffe of foliage. Underneath that foliage, a Chia Pet is good for things such as holding candies, like, say… Skittles… if you don’t care about the hairdo. And that foliage of questionable origin, not to mention a distraction from serious conversation. But, if you’ve reached the point in your relationship where a Chai Pet is a serious consideration, serious conversation has probably long gone by the way side.
That’s much better than that fancy, old mantle clock with obviously fake gold and a habit of lying about the time. A gift that is perfect because of its scandalous brand is just a fraud on the recipient and you. That’s the kind of gift that really only makes things worse.
A Chia Pet, if used properly, ultimately won’t do much harm. It’s the “I got nothing” of gifts. Oh, sure, there will be some tense return visits as you and your host and the other guests sneak the occasional peek as it stares back at you blankly. And, yes, one day you’ll have to say sorry. But if your other friends provide the right supporting cast of lesser gifts, they can prop-up the Chia Pet until the opportunity to give a real gift comes around next time.
But you’ll have to say sorry for the hollow clock too, and at least you won’t have made your friends late for important engagements.
And, it will be your Chia Pet. Sure, a Chia Pet has no sense of loyalty whatsoever. It is all about appearances and getting the deal done at any cost. But the broken clock will be the gift you have to live with even if you don’t want it. And it will never do anything for you either.
So, give the Chia Pet. And hope it doesn’t do too much damage before you can replace it.
Published in General
I don’t know about that hair, it bothers me a lot. But as you said,
he’s all we have left.
Amen, brother.
I’ll read this whole post shortly, but gotta say, Bernie looks like the melting nazi in Raiders of the Lost Arc.
UPDATE:
What a stirring homage. I laughed, I cried, I re-thought many things in my own life. Talk about breathing beauty and meaning into seemingly insignificant objects.
Stay calm, and CHIA on.
So much shopping to do. Before the end of October, there’s the costumes. I’m sure this will be all the rage:
Of course, there have been versions of the Hilary Clinton costume since Halloween began.
These have been out forever and they are so so funny – I gave one to my sister in law one Christmas as a joke because she always used to sing the commercial cha cha chia chia! If I find one that’s one of the political figures, I am going to buy it for my sister – thanks for the holiday gift idea!
PS Chia seeds are supposed to be good for you – as in add to smoothies etc – my neighbor used to add a scoop to her Bullet Magic smoothies, but said it gave her a stomach ache – so she pawned them off on me! She was 65 and wrinkle-free! I say yukk but I’ll clip some off the hair and add to a salad