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Husband Husbandry
We’ve been talking a lot about marriage and divorce around here lately. As someone who’s been married for almost 13 years with some very rough spots along the way, I feel like this is a topic about which I can speak authoritatively. In particular, I’d like to talk about a duty that primarily — though by no means exclusively — falls to wives: ego management.
I like to nap in my car over lunch, particularly during lovely weather like we’ve had lately in Kansas City. As I was trying to drift off Thursday afternoon, I heard a woman screaming into her phone. She was informing her husband in a vulgar fashion that his family hated her for no reason, she hated them, and that — while it was his responsibility to defend her — he was refusing to because he lacked testicular fortitude. I was sorely tempted to scream back in an equally vulgar fashion that if she wanted her husband to have testicles, she should stop performing double orchidectomy surgery.
The temptation to state that complex problems have in fact simple solutions is always present, but my life experience has taught me that a simple solution to many marriage challenges is proper ego management of one’s spouse. No matter how frustrated, how annoyed, how angry one may be with him, tearing him down is never the solution. The dishes will not get washed or the baby changed if he feels he cannot meet her standards. Resumes will not be sent out and job interviews will be wastes of time if he feels like a failure. If he feels like he has to ask permission for every penny, he will be far less inclined to work as hard or may spend extravagantly on the theory of “might as well earn my tongue-lashing.” And without feeling attractive to his wife, the marriage bed will be a place of frustration and disappointment.
Husbandry is an old term for the care and cultivation of crops and animals. Husbands need husbandry too, and that is our job as wives. If we want men who will go out into the world and earn for us, protect us, and support us, we have to nurture and care for not only their bodies but also their egos. Whether through words of praise, tender caresses, performing chores without complaint, or joining him in hobbies, we have to let our man know that we appreciate his sacrifices, believe in his goals, and desire him physically. (For more suggestions on the practical aspects of this, I highly recommend The Five Love Languages.)
Martin Luther said, “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home, and let the husband make his wife sad to see him leave.” Ladies, we can’t make the latter part happen, but if we work on the former, it generally happens.
Published in Culture, Marriage
After the divorce I read (skimmed, really) a number of relationship books. Was trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Hadn’t figured out that it wasn’t fixable. Anyway, I really liked Love and Respect. John Gottman’s 7 Principles was good. Dr. Laura’s book was good too. Of course, those are for married folks, not daters. The dating books I read were terrible.
The Good Wife’s Guide from Housekeeping Monthly is a great tool for putting these principles into practice.
Men are not simple, we are minimalist. We are the Craftsman style to women’s Victorian.
It is not complicated to keep a man happy, a good man at least. My wife honors me, and it makes me wish to be honorable.
I think the inverse is true as well – women wish to feel honored – though how we broadcast honor will vary by gender.
Nice post.
Thanks a lot for posting! Also, I second(or tenth?) the endorsement of the Chapman (not Smalley! sorry, confused my Garys) Love Languages book.
Are these all countable infinities or uncountable infinities?
I second the comments made about speaking directly vs. sending subtle signals. A lot of us husbands just aren’t that sharp on picking up the subtle signals. If you want something, it’s best to just come out and say it. There are just some things men tend to be less adept at than women and decoding (or even noticing) signals is one of them.
Support can be easy even when you’re not into the activity, but are into the person. It can also be hard; Mrs. of England briefly made herself miserable for a while supporting me when I needed help. She went to my Grandfather’s funeral shortly after we got engaged, and when I couldn’t come because I was in Iraq, making her the center of attention, something she finds very unpleasant, with no one she knew to support her. She went to great lengths to support me, and has listened to many political speeches, some in German, despite her general apathy about politics. She comes on NR Cruises. Out of that have come some lovely moments that she treasures; Giverny on the Paris tour is probably the best of them, but she had an absolute riot of a time with Lileks in Norway, too.
I get up at the crack of dawn to buy tickets to musicals I don’t want to see, and then go watch the darn things, because her family is important to her and they were going. She supports the arts, so I support the arts with her. Sometimes her pleasure in stuff is so wonderful that it not being terribly exciting isn’t important. Sometimes it’s more of an effort.
We’re both better off for the trade, though. I gain far more from her support and love than I lose from the hassles, even including opportunity costs. I like to think the same goes for her. I believe the same goes for every successful marriage I know.
Did you read Doc Jay’s post on his son? Doc jr. needed ego nurturing during some pretty tough years of his youth. I’m sure that during some of that time, Doc wasn’t super thrilled by how things were turning out, but he kept on working at it, and eventually the kid turned out pretty darn well. That’s not particularly unusual in marriage, either.
I am not sure if anyone else has made this point in Comments since there have been a couple of marriage threads recently with tons of comments. So forgive me if this is redundant.
My simple view of what is happening to men and why this thread is so accurate is this: Women want men to fulfill the traditional roles of husband and father, but at the same time many women are unwilling to fulfill the traditional roles of wife and mother.
As a husband, if I have to work to provide for the family and do other “manly” things like repair toilets and mow the lawn, then I expect my wife to do things like laundry and take the kids to a Doctor’s appointment. If I end up doing everything then why do I need a wife who can divorce me and take a bunch of our assets with her???
If my wife was the primary breadwinner, I would be willing to reverse roles to some extent. My point is that both parties have to contribute to the relationship.
“Husbandry.” Hmph. I don’t really like it, but I suppose it’s better than compost.
When my favorite high school teacher used it in class, the class butst into twitters. Coach noted that plowing and … marital activities can have very similar appearances, and the folks who called raising crops husbandry were noting the similarities.
I would invite you to consider that it was not “nurturing ego”, but encouraging the authentic self within that was nurtured. Knowing Doc Jay, I think that not for one second would he feel not loving or in admiration of his son.
I have had to deal with my own daughters’ depression when she first moved away from home. What worked – especially during the time she was down was *never* nurturing ego – but being loving and compassionate, and reminding her of her authentic self. The egoic self is where all misery lives. Only getting rid of it brings one to joy, acceptance and love.
I would invite you to consider that it is the easiest thing in the world to wake up early and do things for the people you love, and there is no stress, distress or effort in it. If you are having to “stretch” to support someone, then the in-authenticity would show – and is some cases such support would backfire.
In order to be loving and supportive towards my family, all I have to do is be myself. And it’s the same for them.
Okay, what do you think is the difference between nurturing ego and being supporting?
Amy –
What I sense in your prose (perhaps erroneously) is the larger context as well as specific language.
“if you want your man…. then you should…”
speak of Conditional love to me. Love is unconditional. The if then seems a bit phony (to me).
Example:
I am a sound sleeper ; yet when my kids were born, I would jump out of bed to take care of them. No one asked me to – I wanted to.
I never had date nights or babysitters – my happiest times are with my family.
I have read the 5 languages of love as well, and nowhere does it say to “nurture ego” perhaps your husband’s love language is affirmation. Affirmation is the easiest thing in the world to do and flows naturally, if you *really* appreciate what you are affirming. Phony affirmations will sound – phony and will undermine – not help with morale.
As for ego : here’s some material on it.
No, Mr Amy doesn’t respond well to affirmation; most likely because his mother is one of those women who is nice in public and catty in private. When that was the model, how could he learn that female praise can be genuine?
By ego, I mean the whole self: physicality, self-esteem, emotions, confidence, everything. A man whose wife thinks he is worthless will learn to think of himself as worthless, and a man who thinks he is worthless will prove himself right.
That is what I mean by the if/then statements: if you don’t want a husband who is worthless, you can’t tell him he is worthless. In fact, one must go further and tell him with words and actions and gifts and touch and time that he is in fact full of worth.
I took “nurturing the male ego” to mean nurturing what is specifically male about a man, as “nurturing his phallic side” isn’t necessarily a phrase you want to bust out in polite company.
Right. Obviously Amy didn’t mean it in the Buddhist sense, because Amy is a Missouri Synod Lutheran. Lutherans, even more than some other Christian groups, value the individual and do not see individuality as an illusion. Amy is, indeed, a libertarian of sorts. Libertarian philosophy properly sees the genuine existence of individuals qua individuals as vital to a moral life from a political as well as a moral perspective.
The whole point of the Love Languages book is that different people require different stimuli to feel valued and to have their ego restored. For some people, acts of service are important. For others, quality time and genuine attention is important. It’s true that it’s helpful to have a genuine respect for your spouse, but it’s also true that you should generally make an active effort to be good to them, rather than simply doing what comes naturally, because the way that they are set up to receive affection may be different to the way that you are.
This is wonderful, but you should have kept the original name. Animal husbandry, indeed.
Any engineer that takes a job as a dishwasher because he needs to has my respect and is a good man. No loser that. I know more than a few engineers that refuse to take a job that is “beneath them” and they most decidedly do NOT have my respect.
On the topic of being direct with men. I’ve mentioned before that I’m a recovering alcoholic which means once a week I spend a couple hours in a recovery group of about 12 souls, roughly half men and half women. Most of the time in group is taken by the women complaining of their husbands and it is almost ALWAYS a case of “he should understand me by now”, “or he just doesn’t get it”, “he’s dense”. When I respond that perhaps being more direct would help I generally get a shriek “HE SHOULD KNOW BY NOW” or “IF HE TRULY LOVED ME HE’D UNDERSTAND”.
Sure, maybe some couples are connected like that, but I don’t think most are.
Well and nobly done, Amy! As a fellow who was written a bit here (in what now seems a lifetime ago) on the importance of marriage (and who is now going through a divorce after 15 years, for reasons I won’t go into presently) all I can is that you have very much struck a chord with me.