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Chivalry’s Angels of Death
So,
I’m standing in a little corner store, this afternoon, and suddenly there’s a loud commotion at the entrance: “I don’t need your help! BACK OFF! I’ve GOT it!!”
The door was kicked open and a small, white-haired yet athletic woman charged in with shopping bags in each hand, followed by a baffled young man. “Hey, darlin’ I was just tryin’ to get the door for ya.” “I ain’t your ‘DARLIN’, I’m not some weak little WOMAN and I don’t NEED anyone to open a #@#&#$ door for me!” she bellowed, then charged off to the back of the store, bristling with outrage over the “insult” this young man’s show of manners had visited upon her.
Look, I can hold my own in this crazy town, too. I can stand for my entire commute, open my own doors, carry my own luggage — I once moved everything I owned out of a storage space and into a fourth-floor walkup with no assistance, and I am constantly helping ladies get strollers up and down the subway steps when there aren’t any gentlemen around. So, yeah, yay me! I’m woman, hear me roar — whatever.
But sometimes you just get tired of being body-checked by some jerk so he can beat you to the last open seat on the subway. So it’s such a sweet surprise when I’m treated to even the smallest of chivalrous gestures, that I never fail to give a gracious “thank you” in return. (And if I don’t need assistance? A gracious decline — and a sincere thank you for the offer.)
Meanwhile, there’s this army of angry “ladies” out there so incapable of discerning courtesy from condescension that I fear they are totally ruining it for the rest of us. (Today was not the first example of this I’ve seen — just the latest, and one of the worst.)
Any of you gentlemen out there ever been lambasted like the poor young man I saw today? And if so, did it make you think twice before offering to help a lady again? Because I certainly think I’d feel that way if I were in that poor guy’s shoes.
Which is probably why I felt compelled to do some damage control today, when Herself stormed off and all the guys turned and looked at me.
“Can I . . . help you with something, Miss?” the proprietor asked.
“Yes,” I said. “Could you please open the door for me?”
Published in Culture, General
If he doesn’t hold the door, it’s a micro-aggression indicative of rape culture.
Holding the door just makes him a general misogynist.
Hmmm… I think I’ll still hold open doors.
I have never seen anything like this in East Tennessee or any other part of the state. How do you other people live in such places?
Amen!
I figure that if I am going to ‘aggress’ anyway, it may as well be macro- and I can get my money’s worth. Micro-aggressors are just too sissy to go all the way.
If a jerk snapped at me for holding a door for her, I would just shrug her off and continue holding doors for women.
But your request for someone to extend to you the simple courtesy she rejected was a deft touch and would have been much appreciated by me.
Simple gratitude goes a long way to encouraging kind behavior. A smile is as good as a word.
I want to be thoughtful.
Today my wife paid me a compliment: she noted that I referred to a beggar, whose attention I was trying to get so I could give him some money, as, “sir”.
The fact is that treating people as if they are each worthy of consideration is not in my nature. I believe, from the Torah, that each person has a divine soul, even if they are not aware of it. As such, they deserve respect for that potential, and I need to keep reminding myself of it.
I, too, cannot remember ever having experienced criticism for being courteous or chivalrous. (And that’s not because I don’t hold doors and give up seats.)
I’m 6’5″ and would love it if some 4’10” woman gave me her exit row seat on the airplane – hasn’t happened yet for some reason…
My husband, Mr. HOA, is a door-holder. Men and women, doesn’t matter but mostly for ladies. I tell him that when he gets to heaven…and he will…St. Peter himself will hold open the gate for him.
On another note, Mr. HOA also still opens my car door. I don’t expect it and certainly can do it myself, but it’s always appreciated. My Mom once asked him when he planned on stopping this courtesy. He replied, “when my arms fall off.”
I think courtesy is under-appreciated and any person so ungrateful (and obviously undeserving) to bark at someone else for extending such courtesies, ought to be barked at right back regarding their lack of showing some grace to another human being.
And for those of you to do still open doors and offer a helping hand….we thank you.
A few more comments:
I think it’s a bad move to use darlin’ to refer to a woman you don’t know well. That is seriously condescending.
Frankly, compared to me — and to most men, though I’m considerably bigger than most — almost all women are weak and little. I think that many women, and especially feminists, have no idea how physically weak they are compared to men. They watch silly movies like GI Jane and think that a woman really could beat up a male Special Forces soldier.
While I totally agree I will say a barista and the Starbucks called me darling the other day and I didn’t fly off the handle…..it was kind of nice actually. Darling/Sweetie/Hon are just terms people use. His mistake was to call someone darling who had already wildly overreacted to the very smallest act of chivalry.
We once had a contractor tell one of our BAs, “Don’t worry our pretty little head darling.” Now that is condescending .
“Hon” is a standard phrase around here. It does not sit well with me to be called “Hon” by a strange woman.
I agree that it’s probably a bad move just because so many women might not cotton to being addressed that way. But if you’d just heard the guy’s delivery – – I barely even caught the word, actually, since there was nothing patronizing, suggestive or demeaning about it at all.
But then, I’m pretty sure that nuance rarely comes into consideration for anyone perpetually on the lookout for oppression.
Speaking of which, I’ve met a LOT of women over the years (and sometimes, I’ve even been one of them), who tend to address everyone, male or female, that way: “What’s up, hon?” “Hi Sweetie”, “How can I help you, dear?” – – but I have yet to see a single one of them get torn apart by an angry feminist for using such “demeaning” language.
C’mon all you angry ladies – – what’s good for the gander . . .
This is completely tangential…
When I need both my boys attention (to call them from outside or downstairs) I often yell “Gentlemen!” to get their attention.
At a party we hosted several months ago, I said “ladies and gentlemen” to quiet the crowd and allow someone to make an announcement. My kids came running upstairs, just a little confused as to why they were being called to the adult party.
You’re right, A.P.
I was observing a defensive tactics training, and the instructor asked for a volunteer who had some experience of getting hit. I always volunteer for everything, so my hand shot up— after all, when I was a kid, my siblings and I used to hit each other!
The instructor looked at me. “No.”
“Oh, come on! Please?”
“Nope. Not going to hit the middle-aged, law-enforcement-widow-mother-of-six-chaplain. Sorry, Kate.”
Then came the demonstration. “For this exercise, we’re going to use an open-handed slap to represent a punch,” the instructor said, and hit the volunteer.
At which point I realized that no, I have never, ever, ever been hit.
When you do something polite or thoughtful for someone else, it doesn’t matter if it is acknowledged or appreciated. A person with good manners is compelled to show those good manners. It is part of their nature. If the recipient of the [intended] good deed rejects or berates, that’s on them. They obviously have never been taught how to be nice to others. The world is full of awfulness, we should try to insert kindness and care whenever possible. I’m going to keep on doing nice things.
I read this today and thought of this conversation.
Wonderful book.
I was at a gas station and this old guy was in front of me, and a few other people. The gas station offered a free piece of pizza and a soda with every fill up. It was obvious the old guy was struggling to find the napkins, the lids for the soda and so forth. Plus he was using a cane. (He had blue blockers on, so he probably couldn’t see that well either.) The girl behind the counter seemed long passed irritated with him, so did everyone else in line that he was holding up. I was appalled that a room full of people would have the audacity to be upset with this poor old guy who just wanted to get what the store offered him and that nobody was willing to help him out. I guess their time was more precious than his. Needless to say, I got out of line and helped him out. I got back in line after I helped him to his car and the girl behind the counter thanked me for helping him. I just shook my head at her and paid for my things.
What if he was a veteran? Or had invented something incredible in his life? Who knows, but he deserved the respect and the help of his community.
That’s civility, and we’re losing it.
I have been verbally assaulted when opening a door for a “lady.” I have also been treated with scorn and condescension when opening the door for another “lady.” I have also been reprimanded when stepping-in to help a “lady” with her coat.
I try to open doors, hold elevators, assist with bags, etc… But sadly, some days I don’t bother.
That truly breaks my heart.
My parents married young so I have clear memories of both my grandfathers as strong, active, vibrant (and yes, very chivalrous) men. Only near the very end of those great men’s lives, was I forced to acknowledge that they were finally becoming weak and occasionally confused enough to need my assistance. I try my best to remember that, every time I’m dealing with the elderly – – who were they before? And would I treat them differently now if I’d known them then?
Tonight, I had a gig at a nearby nursing home with a volunteer choir I sing with. An old man in a wheelchair was ahead of me on the way out so as we parted ways in the hall, I said “goodnight, thanks for coming.” He looked up to wave and that’s when I noticed the “WWII” and insignia on the cap he was wearing. So I came back, laid a hand on his shoulder and added, “thank you for your service.”
I think Cowgirl hit it on the nose. You do these things or you don’t. You don’t really think about being courteous or not. I’m not certain it’s something you were taught. Rather it is something you absorbed through observation of a role model.
I lived in Seattle in the mid-90s, and had this experience more than a couple of times. Needless to say, I never dated anyone while I was there. Being told off when you’re trying to be considerate is a huge turn-off.
Not to hijack the thread, but if you’ve ever read this novel and not wanted to experience the ethereal beauty of my home state, well, shame on you. ;)
I only bought the book this week after relentless praise here on Ricochet. I am already trying to figure out when I can come.
I think you are probably right Arthur, though my experience was a bit different. Chivalry was one of the few things that I can say my father was a good role model for so I did pick some up from him but my Mom was the one. No matter where we went together, once I had reached the age where I was able to open doors on my own she would simply stop at the entrance and wait. The first few times I’d think, “Mom, what are you doing, lets go”. But then I figured it out and as another poster mentioned, I don’t even think about it any more.
That said, my experience riding the commuter trains out here on the left coast has soured me a bit. I have been scolded for offering my seat and I find myself questioning my innate behavior now. I still usually offer my seat but my preference now is to simply avoid the whole issue and not take a seat at all.
Very nice. However, as a powerful man once said, punch back twice as hard. In addition to the ladylike behavior you displayed, I fear you also need to unsheathe the claws in the velvet glove. Women like you need to call out these kinds of women to their face when they behave so rudely. Nothing dramatic, but a put down to her face. I’m a guy so this may be too aggressive, but something along the lines of a simple “don’t be a rude jerk”, and turn away.
These people are bullies and they pay no penalties for inflicting themselves on others. In fact the PC underlay of modern society rewards them for such rude behavior. Stopping that in lots of little ways is the only way to reclaim the culture.
Oh, I completely agree. And ordinarily, I would go straight to the source. I’ve been known to exhibit a near-fool-hardy lack of reluctance to “get involved.” (People here assume that’s a New York trait but I blame my Okie roots, Irish temper and something my father likes to call my “over-developed sense of fairness.”)
But this particular case was a “drive-by.” So, not much I could do after that angry tornado blew through but to reassure the stunned onlookers, “I promise you, we’re not all like that.”