Kim Jong-un to Host 87th Annual Oscars

 

HOLLYWOOD (KCNA) — The Revolutionary Artists Committee of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences is happy to announce that His Excellency Kim Jong-un will host the 87th annual Academy Awards. This will be the first time a supreme leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea has led the ceremony, but it most certainly will not be the last.

“All peoples celebrate Dear Leader’s most humble decision to host the Oscars,” said Sony Pictures Chairman and CEO Michael Lynton. “We have witnessed his strength and honor from afar and welcome the divine opportunity to explode our love in his presence. To obey Doctor Leader’s magnanimous offer to host the Oscars is perfect joy, all of his resources and talent coming together on global stage.”

Lynton helped redesign the iconic Oscar statuette “to better model the ideal human form” and offered a stern warning for enemies of the Juche Spirit. “The vile capitalist running-dogs Seth Rogen and James Franco do shame the nation and Hollywood-industry with their thrice-cursed crimes,” he said via short-wave radio. “Such villains of the Eternal Party will pay for their heinous betrayals and scandals which the era shall dutifully record.”

The multiple crimes committed by the accused will be proven at start of the Oscars, followed by a public confession and swift execution.

“All traitors will feel the bite of Kim Jong-un’s hot heel,” said Paramount Pictures head Brad Grey. “I will applaud the end of reactionary hooligans who deliver naught but indolence and shame. We strongly denounce false films like Team America which spread shuddering lies in a crafty manner.”

A triple-threat performer, Kim Jong-un has enjoyed a wildly successful career in his home country. He wins every award in song, sport and cinema, much like his fathers before him. The early front-runner for Best Picture is Glorious Baekdu-mountain Give Sun Energy while the single nominee for Best Song is “Joyous Beet Tractor, Shine in His Prospering.” A lifetime achievement award will be granted to Russell from the Pixar film Up.

Spirit of the World-nation Kim Jong-un is pleased both with his hosting duties and the awards he will win. “I am contented beyond happiness. Despite savage anti-party plots to create illusion, the mighty river flows under the bridge. The lineage of Paektu will remain undergirded and irreplaced.”

The Oscars will be held at the Dolby Theatre at Hollywood & Highland Center in Hollywood, and will be broadcast live on all channels. We strongly advise every citizen to watch.

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  1. Skid McBrick Inactive
    Skid McBrick
    @SteveMcCormick

    That’s awesome

    Add something about instead of receiving special gift bags everyone must donate bags of food for the homeland.

    • #1
  2. user_138562 Moderator
    user_138562
    @RandyWeivoda

    Well done, Jon.

    • #2
  3. Jimmy Carter Member
    Jimmy Carter
    @JimmyCarter

    Uh-oh…. Because of this post, Peter and Rob will be removing Ricochet from the interwebs.

    Thanks alot, Jon.

    • #3
  4. user_3444 Coolidge
    user_3444
    @JosephStanko

    This is fake, right?  It’s getting harder and harder to tell these days…

    • #4
  5. B. Hugh Mann Inactive
    B. Hugh Mann
    @BHughMann

    ..and will be broadcast live on all channels. We strongly advise every citizen to watch.

    Or, “The Interview” should be broadcast on all TV channels.  To paraphrase Evelyn Beatrice Hall, “We may disagree with Hollywood but we will defend to the death their right to say it.”

    • #5
  6. Totus Porcus Inactive
    Totus Porcus
    @TotusPorcus

    The Onion weeps.

    Tears of laughter, of course.

    • #6
  7. rico Inactive
    rico
    @rico

    Jon Gabriel, Ed.: “Joyous Beet Tractor, Shine in His Prospering”

    With this hit, our Dear Leader will certainly be compelled to add North Korea to his growing list of most favored dictatorships.

    • #7
  8. Mark Thatcher
    Mark
    @GumbyMark

    I, for one, welcome our new Overlord.

    Apple just announced that they are following up on their recent iTunes download of U2’s album by automatically downloading Joyous Beet Tractor onto all iPods.  However, unlike with U2, you will not be able to delete Joyous Beet Tractor.

    • #8
  9. otherdeanplace@yahoo.com Member
    otherdeanplace@yahoo.com
    @EustaceCScrubb

    Well, at least he’ll be better than Whoopi Goldberg.

    • #9
  10. Yeah...ok. Inactive
    Yeah...ok.
    @Yeahok

    Rob Long visits Uzbeckistanwhatever and years later the Winter Olympics come nearby.

    Rob Long got a woody visiting North Korea and now Lil Kim hosts the Oscars.

    Rob is now Hot for Havana.

    Rob Long seems to have some juice.

    • #10
  11. x Inactive
    x
    @CatoRand

    Is anybody else just pissed at Sony?  Yes, this if funny, but I’m angry.  I can’t believe they pulled the bleepin’ movie and I think they’ve done the whole civilized world a disservice.  I can still order The Satanic Verses on Amazon.  Did anybody ever even broach the subject of pulling that (purportedly unreadable) book?  Salman Rushdie can stand up to the Mullahs but Sony Corporation curls up in the fetal position when The World’s Most Demonstrable Basket Case snarls in its direction?  It is aggravating, and it is troubling.

    “In the end, more than freedom, they wanted security. They wanted a comfortable life, and they lost it all – security, comfort, and freedom. When the Athenians finally wanted not to give to society but for society to give to them, when the freedom they wished for most was freedom from responsibility, then Athens ceased to be free and was never free again.”
    — Edward Gibbon, Epitaph for the People of Ancient Athens

    • #11
  12. Eeyore Member
    Eeyore
    @Eeyore

    Hoping much that camera display crowd in badly angle. Such disorder will summarily displease Dear Leader. Those with such impertinent must be immediately unexisted.

    Please re-educate for proper ceremony respect.

    nork crowd

    • #12
  13. EThompson Inactive
    EThompson
    @EThompson

    I heard from a good source that Dennis Rodman has been hired to head J-un’s American security squad as the ex-Bad Boy apparently fits in seamlesly with the rest of the acting bipolars.

    • #13
  14. Rob Long Editor
    Rob Long
    @RobLong

    All I can say about this post is this: I am insanely jealous. Laughed very hard, out loud, in a crowded restaurant.

    • #14
  15. Susan in Seattle Member
    Susan in Seattle
    @SusaninSeattle

    Laughing so hard my sides hurt.  Well done!

    • #15
  16. Quinn the Eskimo Member
    Quinn the Eskimo
    @

    Can we expect a wide release of The Respected Comrade Supreme Commander is Our Destiny anytime soon?

    • #16
  17. user_86050 Inactive
    user_86050
    @KCMulville

    “And the winner of the Best Actor Oscar is … James Franco. Oh James, I am so sorry. Ready. Aim ….”

    • #17
  18. J Flei Inactive
    J Flei
    @Solon

    Cato Rand:Is anybody else just pissed at Sony? Yes, this if funny, but I’m angry. I can’t believe they pulled the bleepin’ movie and I think they’ve done the whole civilized world a disservice.

    Yes, this really upsets me as well.  Sony just got totally bullied by perhaps the most despicable regime since the Nazis.  I find it hard to laugh about, but what else can you do?

    • #18
  19. Andrew Klavan Contributor
    Andrew Klavan
    @AndrewKlavan

    Dude.  Brilliant.

    • #19
  20. douglaswatt25@yahoo.com Moderator
    douglaswatt25@yahoo.com
    @DougWatt

    Where was the ” The Fraternal Guardian of Socialist Peace” when we really needed him, to prevent the premier of Avatar, or of An Inconvenient Truth.

    • #20
  21. user_138562 Moderator
    user_138562
    @RandyWeivoda

    Besides Sony Pictures, let us save some scorn for the American people who view tragedy as a jackpot.  Everyone remembers the madman who shot up a movie theater in Aurora, Colorado.  There’s little point in suing the murderer but the theater owner must have deep pockets so the theater is being sued.  If a terrorist did attack a theater for showing this movie, does anyone have any doubt that the theater and probably Sony itself would be successfully sued?  When we live in a society that equates assets with responsibility for the actions of the insane, how can we blame companies for not being more brave?  The American juror bears some of the blame for this.

    • #21
  22. Eeyore Member
    Eeyore
    @Eeyore

    Randy Weivoda: The American juror bears some of the blame for this.

    That would be the trial lawyers, Randy. Not the jurors. The jury is formed (as in molded) by the attorneys. A trial lawyer once relayed to me some of his lead attorney’s jury selection criteria. The firm was one of California’s most successful.

    – No people who wear pointed shoes. Seems odd, but experience indicated they tended to be “rigid, not flexible” (read suggestible).

    – No Asians. Asian cultures are very methodical. Asians want things to add up. “I don’t need things to add up. All I need is 51%.”

    – No dumb people. They can’t follow what’s going on. But no smart people. “Smart people listen to the evidence. I don’t want people listening to the evidence. I want them listening to me!”

    This lawyer indicated that in over 90% of cases, the victor in the case can be determined by the end of jury selection. Voir dire, indeed.

    • #22
  23. mattchrised@1791.com Inactive
    mattchrised@1791.com
    @MattEdwards

    All I needed was the photo and headline, the words that followed were merely the delicious crumbs and frosting stuck to the cupcake wrapper. Brilliant in every way. Thank you!

    • #23
  24. bagodonuts Member
    bagodonuts
    @bagodonuts

    Freaking awesome. Love it.

    • #24
  25. FridayNightEcon Member
    FridayNightEcon
    @FridayNightEcon

    J Flei:

    Cato Rand:Is anybody else just pissed at Sony? Yes, this if funny, but I’m angry. I can’t believe they pulled the bleepin’ movie and I think they’ve done the whole civilized world a disservice.

    Yes, this really upsets me as well. Sony just got totally bullied by perhaps the most despicable regime since the Nazis. I find it hard to laugh about, but what else can you do?

    For anyone who thinks this Sony debacle has a limited ripple effect, please go watch “Team America” in a theater this weekend.

    • #25
  26. Eeyore Member
    Eeyore
    @Eeyore

    FridayNightEcon: For anyone who thinks this Sony debacle has a limited ripple effect, please go watch “Team America” in a theater this weekend.

    Can’t do it, FNE. Paramount cancelled the release of Team America to theaters.

    • #26
  27. user_3444 Coolidge
    user_3444
    @JosephStanko

    FridayNightEcon: For anyone who thinks this Sony debacle has a limited ripple effect, please go watch “Team America” in a theater this weekend.

    Also, there’s this: North Korea-Based Thriller With Gore Verbinski And Steve Carell Canceled

    The chilling effect of the Sony Pictures hack and terrorist threats against The Interview are reverberating. New Regency has scrapped another project that was to be set in North Korea. The untitled thriller, set up in October, was being developed by director Gore Verbinski as a star vehicle for Foxcatcher star Steve Carell. The paranoid thriller written by Steve Conrad was going to start production in March.

    • #27
  28. user_3444 Coolidge
    user_3444
    @JosephStanko

    Conservatives complain that in Hollywood movies the villain always turns out to be an evil corporation or some rogue agency of the U.S. government.  Why can’t Hollywood make an old-fashioned war movie with brave American soldiers fighting the Taliban or ISIS?

    Well, now we know.  This isn’t just limited to North Korea, any terrorist group can follow the same playbook: “make movie about us, we bomb your theaters!”  You can bet that ever since this story broke every executive in Hollywood has been combing through all their pending projects and insisting on rewrites to remove even the trace of a hint of a suggestion that an actual overseas enemy is the bad guy.

    • #28
  29. J Flei Inactive
    J Flei
    @Solon

    I wonder if Clint Eastwood will say/do anything about this?

    • #29
  30. Elephas Americanus Member
    Elephas Americanus
    @ElephasAmericanus

    The Oscars Kims will be held at the Dolby Juche Theatre at Hollywood & Highland Kim Il Sung Center in Hollywood Pyongyang, the most glamorous and beautiful city in the world, and will be broadcast live after all state-mandated edits are completed on all channels the only channel you are lucky to get from the Kims (who invented television)We strongly advise every citizen to watch. Viewing is mandatory.

    I corrected that for you. Your errors will, of course, be addressed harshly and repeatedly at the next confession and criticism session.

    Me love you long time, Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un!

    • #30
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