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Real Gonzo Journalism: Ikea Edition
On September 10, 2014, the Kansas City Metropolitan area was forever altered: we now have an Ikea.
Yes, Ikea, just some pine, and some oak, and some Norsemen, selling furniture for college kids and divorced men. I have returned, wallet intact, to tell my tale.
On the up side, the prices are as great as I’ve heard tell. I will be returning for the LED lightbulbs, the comforters and duvets, and children’s furniture and toys (should I ever manage to need some).
But oh, the downside…
Let’s start with the layout. There is a sociology dissertation in the differences between Kansas City’s local furniture superstores: Nebraska Furniture Mart and Ikea. NFM is similar to Ikea in that it’s intended to be a one-stop-shop for one’s home at extremely low prices. It is laid out in an open floorplan, allowing shoppers to quickly find the section they wish to shop in, peruse it without impeding the traffic flow of other customers, and even purchase the item (if it’s too large to fit in a shopping basket) in the department.
Suffice it to say, that is not the case at Ikea. It is perhaps the most statist shopping experience I have ever had. “You will follow the arrows! You will look at products in this order! You will buy all the items here!” Even the cafe is run that way. Want to impulse buy those cinnamon rolls you’ve been smelling? Well, prepare to wait ten minutes in line because everyone must go through the entire buffet to check out their food. It’s a store for people who enjoy the powerlessness of riding the attractions at Disneyworld (and the attendant waiting in line).
Dotted throughout the furniture section are sample apartments. These truly are amazing demonstrations of how tightly a person can live. But this is America, and flyover country at that! Married couples in Kansas City can afford more than 500 square foot apartments, even at minimum wage. Heck, the college students can afford more than 330 square foot apartments! This isn’t Europe with its lovely walkable cities and sky-high rents. People can afford to live in spaces big enough to not poke out someone’s eye when they stretch, so I’m left wondering how effective these sample apartments are in moving merchandise.
And then there’s the design aesthetic. The Sixties’ stark modernist design is still in full force, with scarcely an earth tone to be found. For someone who likes mahogany, satin, and Chippendale furniture, there was scarcely any furniture that I could imagine letting into my house. The household goods offered more options, but the only colors beyond white, black, and grays were various neons.
Being a good capitalist libertarian, I can accept that other people like these things. Still, when I return, I will continue to feel like a stranger in a stranger land.
Image Credit: Flickr user Jonas de los Reyes.
Published in Culture, General
“stark plasticy barreness”
Pretty much sums up my conception of the thing.
Volcanoes are notoriously difficult to furnish.
Mine is “cheap and utilitarian”.
Whether that’s a “good thing” or a “bad thing” depends entirely on one’s point-of-view. I personally like things that are inexpensive and do the job I need them to do, like keeping my fat butt off the floor, without a lot of fuss.
I think you guys bring way too much emotional baggage to a furniture store.
Try the torte. Trust me.
Or if you want a real treat try this Burnt Almond Torte. A HuffPo fav.
IKEA makes me happy… I admitted it. Feel free to judge me.
Like Misthiocracy, I have found some excellent quality kitchen products at very good prices. I like that I can go, spend $20 and come out with fun treats. IKEA is also a good fit for our current stage of life (boys + khaki couches and chairs = less obsessing about stains) The cushions from the Ektorp furniture also make reasonably stable fort walls and tunnels.
Also, the lifetime expectancy of a wine glass in our household is measured in months, not years, and they have cheap (but not embarrassingly so) wine glasses in multiple sizes and shapes.
But the best thing is the $2.99 Bevara. These are bag clips that the PsychLynne men use effectively. This is an accomplishment given that previous there had been any evidence that they were able to manipulate twist ties or other bag closure methods, including zip lock bags.
I have a KLIPPAN sofa that I got almost 15 years ago from the “as-is” section.
Machine-washable slipcover. Awesome.
When the slipcover gets so stained that the washing machine cannot do the trick, no problem. Just head back to IKEA and buy a new slipcover (often a poor-selling colour sold cheaply in the “as-is” section).
I’ve been through four slipcovers so far. I’ve had to open up the thing a few times to make minor repairs to the wooden substructure.
That’s another thing I like about IKEA furniture. People deride the products as “semi-disposable”, but I find that because they’re so cheap I’m MORE likely to attempt repairs. If I screw up the repair, the item is cheap enough that I can replace it. So far, I haven’t screwed up any repairs, so there’s been no need for replacement.
IKEA also has really nice drinking straws. Colorful and wide enough for a milkshake.
Hear that Amy!? MILKSHAKE STRAWS!
IKEA also has really nice drinking straws. Colorful and wide enough for a milkshake.
Hear that Amy!? MILKSHAKE STRAWS!
Alright, I’ll go this weekend.
Almost 40 comments and no one has mentioned IKEA meatballs and lingonberry? For shame!
I make it a point to visit IKEA whenever I’m in a city with one (my hometown doesn’t meet the two million population minimum) and always get the meatballs and something cheap for the kitchen.
I love IKEA.
My wife loves IKEA. I’m a fat man who is always on the lookout for the EXIT sign or the nearest defibrillator, and IKEA is determined to keep me far from both.
Any store where you have to stop for lunch to survive all the way to the exit was designed by people Dante wrote about.
You don’t have to. It only seems that way because you’re being led around the store by your wife.
I bet Jim’s wife feels the same way about Home Depot.
Leave her in the car. Problem solved.
Rookie mistake. That’ll be where the problems begin!
Huh. We are so cheap that when we thought about ordering a bunch of furniture out of an IKEA catalog to replace the very ugly furniture we currently have (scavenged from relatives, neighbors, and thrift stores), we thought better of it. It just seemed too expensive.
Part of it might be that we live in an ugly apartment, and nice furniture couldn’t do much to improve it. Of the two biggest rooms in our apartment, one has oil stains on the ceiling from the upstairs neighbor’s failed biodiesel project and the other is covered in the most vomit-inducing shiny mauve-striped wallpaper. The rent is cheap, though.
I began with plans to paint the walls in both the big rooms (though they also need the ceilings painted, which I can’t do). While I have succeeded in painting the two small rooms and the hallway, clearing out either big room to paint it is a major undertaking, and we’ve had too many emergencies of various sorts interrupting our lives to get around to that.
As a woman who does love to shop but has also worked retail, I have a rule: husbands (and eventually children) are only taken to a non-grocery store if I need to verify that the product will fit. He doesn’t want to be there; I don’t need him for his money or muscles. Therefore, we are both happier by him not being there. (Only real exception being kitchen supply stores. Those are his toy shops.)
This I understand. I shampooed the carpets last weekend. You don’t realize how much furniture you have until you have to move it out of the rooms.
This is why real, old-fashioned, indoor malls are a thing.
Yesterday, the girlfriend needed to go to Hallmark to pick out a couple of “going away” cards for outgoing co-workers. I was able to check out the kittens at the pet store, the toys at the Radio Shack, and the neat-o stuff at the “As Seen On TV” store. When I went back to Hallmark, she still hadn’t made a decision…
Hey, I’d roll the windows down a bit for her. I’m not a monster.
THEN WHAT GOOD ARE WE?
Snuggles, which is a function generally unneeded when shopping for furniture.
I don’t need either money or muscles *at the store.* I make the money, and there are people at the store paid to lift the things I can’t. And anyway, he works Saturdays, so the last three times I’ve bought furniture (at the very awesome place called Craigslist) I’ve had to use my dad, my mom, and bribe friends with beer and pizza.
Husbands have many wonderful uses, but if I wanted my spouse to be my shopping buddy, I’d have married a woman.
I prefer Lowe’s to Home Depot, actually. Though my wife also likes Lowe’s more than I do.
If there’s a store I could wander endlessly, it’s Fry’s.
Love the store although my primary residence is furnished by antiques and silver tea services inherited by great-grandmothers.
As for my condo in CA, IKEA has successfully managed to integrate style and function in a very affordable way. We get more compliments on that space than on our “real” home.