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The Caretaker in the Rye
It was the perfect crime.
John Saunders was the live-in caretaker at a western Pennsylvania mansion turned bed and breakfast. The handyman was hired to maintain the Georgian-style estate, originally built by coal magnate and whiskey aficionado J.P. Brennan.
The home’s current owner, New York model Patricia Hill, was elated to discover 100 bottles of Old Farm Pure Rye Whiskey hidden under a staircase. The ultra-rare hootch dates from 1912 and was valued at $200,000. Little did Hill know that her caretaker also was a whiskey aficionado.
Last year, Hill noticed that half the vintage libations had been liberated from their bottles. When a stumbling Saunders professed his innocence, she sent out the 52 empties for testing. The results came in covered with the caretaker’s DNA.
Saunders still wouldn’t confess at a preliminary hearing last spring. “Yuck! That stuff had floaters in it and all kind of stuff inside the bottles,” said the alleged dipsomaniac, not explaining his familiarity with the insides of the bottles. “That whiskey was there for years and years, kept in a stinky, dirty basement and probably has gone through flooding and all.”
Court records did not indicate how often Saunders’ testimony was interrupted by hiccups.
But before the trial could be held, Saunders tragically passed away, thus ending the criminal proceedings against him. Hill was out $102K worth of premium whiskey and the culprit had escaped punishment. Or had he?
According to a statement by his lawyer, Saunders died awaiting a liver transplant.
Published in General
Poetic justice?
Jon,
With all the awful things going on in the World, how could you post this?
It’s the funniest thing I’ve heard all year.
Regards,
Jim
cheers.
I posted this because of all the awful things going on in the world.
Oh my! I’ve gotten lazy and now Gabriel is sneaking into my back yard. I’ve gotta start posting again before I lose everything.
He should have left the whiskey drinking to the professionals.
Everyone should go back and read the post again. But this time, use your very best Foster Brooks impression.
WHAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAT do you mean?
Just in case someone isn’t familiar with the spectacular Mr. Brooks, an example can be found here.
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