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The Internet, Loneliness, and People with Disabilities
I recently wrote a piece at The Federalist about loneliness and internet use and how people might be “connected” to others more than ever before. But, are we “really sharing our lives, or are we just passing information back and forth?”
I argue that the problem with social media is three-fold: “It robs people of the importance of connecting on a physical level; it delays reactions, enabling people to create their own persona and avoid awkward situations that they are forced to deal with in real life; and, more importantly, it fails to cultivate self-knowledge and presence—the key to real human connection.”
When you interact with people face to face, you can’t avoid conflict. You don’t have time. But when you’re online or texting, you can avoid that immediacy and “walk away.” You can make adjustments to how you’re perceived. You can, in a sense, recreate yourself over and over again. This ties back to the point about being known. If we’re always creating an image for others to see or hiding from them, we can’t be truly known. We’re not real. We’re, as Turkle said, a simulation. We isolate ourselves from the very thing we need to grow as fully actualized human beings. It’s when we are known — when we’re, in a sense, exposed — that we mature as we’re challenged to change how we think, how we interact with other people, and how we view ourselves. This growth happens in the context of relationships — in the context of sympathy, compassion, and love.
Knowing others — truly knowing them — can only come when we connect with them on a physical, spiritual, and immediate level. But something else is necessary too. We have to be present. Unfortunately, we live in a society in which most people are not present; they’re not open in an honest and real way. They are not sharing their real selves — only information or an image of themselves that they want to project. They are wearing masks. This is true not only in social media, but in the real world.
Think Progress’ “weekly roundup of the best conservative writing” highlighted my piece, saying, “This probably functions best in raising awareness of one particular ideal we can approach, rather than a practical critique of our immediate situation. The kind of vulnerableness McAllister calls for is hard, and sometimes doing the hard thing ultimately brings us to better places than we were before. But sometimes it can be just hard with no greater return: a person with disabilities who feels they can be more ‘fully human’ in an online world is a case worth considering.”
I found the criticism and link to Ezra Klein’s article at the Washington Post interesting. I actually agree that the internet offers a world of opportunity for the disabled. I know this firsthand because my son is autistic. He has found much encouragement and social interaction through the internet.
He says the internet is both a blessing and curse. You can interact with people without prejudice on account of your disability and you don’t have to be afraid of judgment. You can be free to express yourself—something that can be both good and bad. Being part of an online community can knock down walls of fear that people with disabilities often experience in real life.
But—and this was the point of my post—it can also inhibit social interaction by creating a safe environment where people aren’t challenged to grow and change and really connect in a holistic way. While the internet can create many opportunities and foster new associations, it can also rob people (if they spend most of their time in the virtual world) of much-needed physical contact—even when it’s a challenge for someone with disabilities—that is necessary to be fully human.
They key—like with most things in life—is balance.
Published in General
Knowing God, my Creator, and knowing myself, means my disability is not me. I’m a quadriplegic who has been paralyzed to some extent for almost my entire 66 years. By knowing myself through learning how God sees me, I have never been in a place where I fear exposure. I am known as He knows me.
Maybe the internet is a “safe place” for people who fear being known. My husband and I seek face to face friendships so we can spend our lives being real.
Perhaps it is the fear of knowing ourselves that is really the barrier to friendships.
This is an issue that’s been examined since social media started. I became familiar with some of the symptoms in the early 1990’s, when there were more internet names ending in .EDU than .COM, and I was going to college myself.
Back in those days, if you flunked out, you probably lost access to the internet.
And yes, the your perception of someone you know only on the Internet could change considerably if you met in person.
Anyway, since D.C. is herself writing on a social media site, it’s appropriate that she end her post advocating balance, as opposed to condemning the Internet’s social sites.
In 1993 the first graphical web browser, NCSA Mosaic, was released, popularizing the Internet beyond academics and computer hobbyists.
In the 21 years that have passed since then, the violent crime rate in the United States has been cut in HALF.
Stop looking at me.
That’s what the Ray-Bans are for. ;-)
My wife and I believe strongly in the value of a Jewish day school education. However, in a smaller Jewish community, that can constrict the children’s social circle. One of my daughters has interests and values that diverge considerably from her classmates, so even with good relationships with her classmates, she felt somewhat isolated. The Internet has opened up the larger world to her, so she could find a peer group; and it has allowed her to stay close to her real-life friends from her favorite summer programs, friends who live across the country and around the world.
On the other hand, I sometimes worry that she has created an echo chamber online — a self-contained set of opinions and perspectives that gets reflected back at her, from people that she chose to associate with because they share her views. It’s a lot easier to dismiss those who disagree when you can return to a comforting circle of friends who will tell you you’re right.
I completely agree that balance is key. Sometimes the balance can be so hard to find, though.
Both a blessing and a curse. Yes.
Thanks, Ms. D.C.
Again, I would love to use the “like” button on this thread but it appears it is on the blitz again.
C’est vrai, Bleu Yeti?
Dealing with conflict: “But when you’re online or texting, you can avoid that immediacy and “walk away.”” This may be true of anonymous sites and tweets involving people you don’t know, but I don’t think it’s as true of community sites like this one and open blogs that have a fairly stable community of commenters. My experience is that people in general do not walk away from conflict in these settings, but attempt to continue the conversation and get to some resolution or at least agree-to-disagree.
I think what is indeed harmful is the overuse of mobile devices, whether for texting or plain old voice, in public settings, homes of friends, etc. When the telegraph was first invented, a journalist marveled that “This extraordinary discovery leaves…no elsewhere…it is all here.” If wired communication partially destroyed the sense of *elsewhere*, wireless communication can destroy the sense of the *here and now*.
“They are not sharing their real selves — only information or an image of themselves that they want to project. They are wearing masks. This is true not only in social media, but in the real world.”
Indeed, how much of this is really a function of social media? I’m reminded of a quote from Arthur Koestler’s 1950 novel The Age of Longing:
Hydie sipped at her glass. Here was another man living in his own portable glass cage. Most people she knew did. Each one inside a kind of invisible telephone box. They did not talk to you directly but through a wire. Their voices came through distorted and mostly they talked to the wrong number, even when they lay in bed with you.
Don’t blame the technology. What you describe is a general problem of humanity. We don’t want to know ourselves because we’re afraid of what we’ll find if we dig beneath the surface.
Also forgot to mention: Violent crime in the United States peaked in 1991.
That is two years before the release of NCSA Mosaic.
It’s also the same year that Tim Berners-Lee released the world’s first web server.
By comparison, in the 20 years prior to the release of the first web server, from 1971 to 1991, violent crime in the United States increased by about 92%.
Original programming on cable started with HBO in 1972, and twenty-four hour news started with CNN in 1980.
Could be coincidence, of course.
The telephone and television were the previous culprits. This is an existential condition of humanity. Blaming things such as guns, drink and drugs, gambling, porn, or the internet is futile and misses the target.
As always, Denise, you write brilliantly!
Even if we have healthy relationships in our “real” life, with family and friends, a lot of us Ricochetti have an unusually high interest in culture and politics that family and friends really can’t keep up with.
I love our RicoMeets because I’m a “hugger”, and because I love to see the faces and hear the voices behind the avatars. Everyone who comes to meetups, (including the occasional disreputable looking character, youknowwhoyouare), is wonderfully unique, and individually adorable. Yep, go HERE
Love this, Denise! Agree strongly with LCon that my disability is not the source or sum-total of my personhood. Unlike many today, I did not have helicopter parents/siblings. My sense of self/public identity were forged in the rough-and-tumble of family/school/work life; I don’t need my life to be *entirely* mediated, nor to be protected/distanced from interaction by the ‘Net. It does serve to keep my distant family and friends accessible – now that travel is challenging. Ricochet broadens my horizons and keeps me externally-focused when needed. Woo-Hoo! Again, thanks for this.
I clicked on the link to see if my picture was there, because if wanted to know if I was the “disreputable looking character” or the “individually adorable” one . . .
I don’t use social media such as Facebook or Twitter, but I have done social networking with other folks playing on-line video games (the original Everquest being my favorite). Of course, there’s Ricochet, which is absolutely wonderful in the sense that we can choose to interact not at all, only on-line, or meet face-to-face such as at the meetups.
For folks who are socially awkward, I think the internet is great. Lots of people don’t like face-to-face interaction because they don’t like conflict while physically present with someone, so the “shield” that the web puts up can be comforting if used properly.
OTOH, there is still peril involved, because the nice, fun person you’ve been an e-friend with for months can turn out to be a moron in person, or worse – a monster (think of teens who think they are chatting with another teen, when it’s really some middle-aged pervert).
The bottom line after my rambling? Interacting with others will always have its plusses and minuses, the big difference being the media. Just stay aware.
Stad, you’re one of the most adorable ones, but there’s a couple of guys from the Las Vegas Meetup who may have been pirates in a past life (youknowwhoyouare). Happily, I believe they will be coming to the Mackinac RicoMeet June 26-29.
I see both sides of this. On one hand, I’ve met some truly kindred spirits on the web in various groups. My best friend is someone I met online and she lives in CT. I’ve met her once in real life, but we talk every day. I adore her. My kids adore her. All of her friends have become my friends. Heck her boss even knows who I am. It’s an odd story. I’m also close to about 30 other women from a national stepmom support group I’m in. Some I’ve met in person; some I have not. I truly thank God every day for this group because I deal with a specialized situation that most people in my day-to-day world just do not understand.
On the flip side, it is also scary. My stepson’s mom has made her life online and changes her identity constantly. She has personas and personalities. She lies and hides information. She presents only what she wants people to know. She is not unique. It is easy to become someone else. It is easy to fight in email. It is easy to misconstrue tone and meaning.