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The Paternal Instinct
I’d like to ask the dads here: when did you first think it might be great, or kinda cool, or even possible for you to become a dad someday?
I have a 20-something son and have known my daughter’s 20-something boyfriend for years now, and both are wonderful guys. My daughter and her female friends make no bones about fussing delightedly over babies brought to work or babysitting for their nieces and nephews. It’s probably very normal that these guys keep their arms safely locked behind their backs when a baby is in the room, and conveniently have important meetings to get to when there is babysitting to be done.
So, I just wondered: was there a moment where the switch flipped in your brain or was there a gradual acceptance of the inevitable as your buddies became dads? What happened, and when, to remove the tilt-shift lens from your vision and let you see the panorama of life as a future parent?
Published in General
Having been raised Mormon (though I was not always the best of Mormons early in life), marriage and parenthood were simply a given: it is one of the most fundamental principles of our culture. I don’t remember ever considering other possibilities.
We married early (by today’s standards). We had the first of our five children when I was 25 and my wife 23. There are moments when I didn’t enjoy being a father, but I’ve never once regretted being one.
Much as I love my children, the first six months of a baby’s life is my least favorite time. I know others feel differently, but they’re kind of boring. Once they begin smiling and crawling they get progressively more interesting. In fact, my favorite stage is when they learn to talk. It’s fascinating to watch and often hilarious (I have a two-year-old grandson who cracks me up every day).
Thereafter, it’s been a real adventure, one that I’ve mostly loved (except when I hated it).
My three married children (all in their thirties now) have children: I believe they too simply saw parenthood as an objective tenet of life, much to my great delight.
I never expected it. I was on a class v kayak trip and had a call about a pregnancy from someone I thought was on the pill( turns out she was lying and those initials behind my name influenced it). I was offered marriage or abortion. I took every dangerous drop that weekend with a my life is over sort of feeling so why not risk it all. Turns out the only part of me that really meant something was about to be born. I emerged from birth canal of the Animas River, shook off the placenta of my youth, rolled up my sleeves and decided to do my best as a daddy.
Yes, for sure.
I always wanted a big family, but I was never much interested in other people’s kids. In fact, once my wife had conceived and the due date came nearer, I began to come to grips with what I had done and what it really meant for my life and our life together. It made me more anxious than I’d envisioned, but I got over it.
It’s like having to acclimate to the goop in the deep sea diving suit from that one movie I’m forgetting the name of: most people go through the process just fine – but some people go insane. After nine years with kids now (including three more to boot) my wife won’t say how I came through – she says she’s still evaluating!
Me too. “Freedom” is a foreign land that I still like to visit from time to time, but it isn’t home and I’d hate living there.
I have always wanted to be a dad. My father has always been my #1 role model. There was never any doubt in my mind. Now I have a boy and girl and it is so much greater I thought it would be.
As a child, I was often shy and insecure. I had friends my own age but I also spent a lot of time playing with neighborhood kids who were much younger than me. It felt good that they looked up to me and it was easy to make them happy. I don’t know that that impacted the relationship I developed with my own kids but now when I play with my grandkids one on one it feels just like those times when I was an older kid playing with a younger child.
I hate other people’s babies and i don’t understand the interest. I imagine I will care for my children when the time comes.
My first thoughts of the possibility of becoming a father came as a teenager when I saw the very special bonds my female friends had with their fathers. I thought that would be really cool to experience. Pleasantly, our first child was a girl. Having our son (second child) was great, too, but it was the prospect of being a father to a girl that got me thinking about potential fatherhood.
Like so many here, I just always assumed I would be a Dad one day. I never really had any kind of internal will I/won’t I dialogue. But I knew I wanted to be a better father than my father. As much as I loved him, he taught me more about being a father in a reverse psyçhology sort of way than in a positive role model way. Being a father is the best thing that ever happened to me. Like Ryan I always loved picking up and cuddling babies and small kids for as long as I can remember.
Married at 22. First son arrived 3 days before my 24th birthday. Second son arrived two years later. Raising them with my wife was, no doubt, the most important thing I will ever accomplish in this life. They both turned to be responsible adults, now with children of their own. I love being a Dad. I am by nature very self-centered. Kids have a way of changing that for the better.
We married too young (19,18) but put off having kids via the ‘pill’. Then when we decided to have kids we couldn’t get pregnant for a few years!! I’ve never been really enamoured of other people’s kids, unlike my wife, though I get along with them fine if they are well-behaved. But I always wanted to have my own and thoroughly enjoyed watching/raising them, camping, reading…all of it. We had 3 and adopted 1 and I wouldn’t trade the world for any of them, even when they are difficult.
As a kid, I always wanted to be 35, it seemed like the perfect age to me, old enough to have a few things figured out and young enough to enjoy it. Turns out I was right. In that picture I always had kids, and at 35 I had both of the ones I’m blessed with. We were married young, I was 21 and my wife 22. She was 2 months pregnant on our 1st anniversary, a little earlier than we had planned, but it was good. We waited 5 years for our daughter. I wouldn’t trade any of it, being a dad is by far my favorite role in life, not often the easiest, but by far the best. I was the youngest kid in my family, I always liked kids, but I never had much experience with babies until my wife’s neice was born, that little munchkin wrapped me around her little finger immediately. My son was married last August and I was proud, and at my daughter’s wedding I will be a puddle.
I have been away from home caring for my Dad who is suffering from Alzheimer’s. My cell rang at 2:00 this morning. My wife sent me a text informing me that our new grandson was born at approximately 1:00 this morning.
Doug, congratulations! Welcome to the new Little Soul in our midst!
I seem to see a lot of argument on other web sites from people who are against having children.
They make their vice into virtue: I know I would be a bad parent, so I will abstain.
They cast aspersions on others: There are so many idiots who shouldn’t have children.
They express their own personal preference: I don’t like children. They are horrid little creatures.
Dennis Prager raises the question about whether people might grow into these roles.
Maybe you don’t like children now, but will once you have one?
Maybe you aren’t responsible now, but will grow to be moreso?
Maybe you are an idiot now, but will brush up for your kids?
Is this overly optimistic?
What has been your personal experience? What have you seen around you?
A primary purpose of marriage is to bring into our lives a woman who will help us with this development.
Also, I’m quite comfortable that not all couples should produce children. Balancing that is that there are some who should produce lots (and we should stop criticizing them).