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We mackerel snappers embrace Lent. It makes us feel holier than thou.

By simply giving up TV or chocolates, we can fool ourselves into thinking we’re atoning for our many sins. (Kind of like carbon credits for the soul. Centuries before Al Gore, we Catholics came up with “indulgences”).

Are you coveting your  neighbor’s wife? No problem. Buy some indulgences  and the books are squared.

Is your private jet polluting the globe and producing CO2? Cold cash, via carbon credits, expiates all guilt. 

Lent is also a great excuse for men to overindulge on Fat Tuesday (where “there is no law at Mardi Gras”) and for women to earn beads on Bourbon Street by flashing their wares in exchange for plastic baubles.

Lots of folks think Lent is 40 days long. Actually, Ash Wednesday comes 46 days before Easter.

Easter Sunday is always the first Sunday after the “Paschal” Full Moon—you probably knew that. I had to Google it.

The number 40 comes up in many Biblical references: the 40 days Moses spent on Mount Sinai; The 40 days and nights Elijah spent walking to Mount Horeb; Forty days and 40 nights of rain for the flood; The Hebrews wandered 40 years in search of the Promised Land; Jonah gave the city of Nineveh 40 days to repent. For the record, 40 days is also the average amount of time one is left on “hold” after the recording tells you all lines are busy and “one of our service operators will be with you in just a moment.”

During Lent, one must give up something he likes—favorite vices, like sweets, sodas, and TV are standard fare. (My friend’s wife wanted to give up sex. He said that didn’t count. She had to give up something she liked….Shigggggabooooom!!)

The good news is that you can indulge in whatever you give up on Sundays. 

At 15, I gave up TV. During basketball season, I came down with Mono. Not being able to watch TV while home in bed was tough. That was the year the Beatles were to make their debut on Ed Sullivan. Luckily, good ol’ Ed was on Sunday night. I didn’t miss history in the making.

My New York friend, T.C., an Irish bachelor, took the Sunday thing to a whole new level. He always gave up booze during Lent (with the exception of St. Paddy’s Day, of course). One year, he announced that there were 6 Sundays in Lent, and each Sunday had 24 hours—so he had 144 hours of grace. He divided 144 by 40 days. That meant that he could “give up” drinking by quaffing only 3.6 hours each and every night.

Saloon keepers up and down 3rd Avenue toasted his perspicacity.

Often, I too give up booze during lent … with a minor caveat — only in the State of California and only under 3,000 feet. One never knows when he’s going to traverse Headwall at Squaw Valley (ok … or the Bunny slope) and need a hot toddy at the end of the run.

And Spring Training? It would truly be a cardinal sin to watch America’s pastime sans suds in the bleachers. Wine, of course, is considered food, not booze, for those of us who live in the Napa Valley.

The Napa Valley has a special affinity with Carnival and Fat Tuesday. In more pagan times, those nights of revelry were once dedicated to Dionysus and the “clearing of the wine,” a final stage in the fermentation process occurring in the first cold snap after the Winter Solstice. It was said that Dionysus turned water into wine on Epiphany (January 6th) .

Wikipedia notes: “the Dionysian Mysteries came to be seen as not only a recognition and casting off the repressive, over-civilized masks we all wear, and the realization our true nature, but with the creation of new, more authentic masks as well…..In other words the development of genuine character rather than socialized persona.”

Hence the importance of masks from Venice to Rio.

The Romans indulged in a livelier version they called Bacchanalia. The essence of these religious rites was to regard nothing as impious or criminal. Why can I never choose the right century, let alone the right church?

Lent requires that we take up prayer, fasting, and alms giving with renewed vigor.

I suppose our infamous Stimulus Package and ObamaCare could be considered alms giving—in spades. It’s a veritable Lenten rite. Remember what one White House spokesman said? “We have to spend 634 Billion dollars on health care in order to cut the deficit in half in the next four years.”

Spend more to save more. My friend T.C.’s logic lives. Drink more to give up more. 3^rd Avenue bars? Hell, T.C. belongs in D.C.

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