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‘Not Again’
I suspect I’m not the only wife who’s used those words when her husband has announced it’s time to relocate—again. No matter whether you support the new job or promotion, moving is almost always traumatic and demanding.
In our case, my husband told me early in our marriage that he worked in an industry (management consulting to nuclear plants) where he would be traveling a great deal and he would be asked periodically to relocate. Initially it sounded like an adventure, and since we didn’t have kids, I was excited by the prospect.
Our married life began in California and he had the opportunity for a job on the east coast, specifically Massachusetts. Since we had family there, I was enthusiastic. We found a nice house in Framingham. Jerry picked up a bus to Stone & Webster Engineering in Boston in Shopper’s World and I commuted by car to Chestnut Hill for my job at a Savings Bank. I enjoyed the changes of season (less so, the ice storms) and the chance to explore historic sites. We were there for 18 months. I had barely started my writing consulting business, so when we had the chance to transfer to Denver, I was ready.
In the Denver area, we moved to Parker, CO. I was doing well in my new business, so when my husband then had the opportunity to move us back to MA, I wasn’t thrilled. Unfortunately, that prospect didn’t pan out, to my husband’s great disappointment. We had already looked at houses there, but in the midst of his misery, I pointed out that if that job wasn’t going to happen, there was no point in moving to MA. After some time to think that fact over, he agreed. We had to admit that the laid-back atmosphere of CO (which has since changed), the gorgeous view of the Rockies, and having good friends nearby were incentives to stay. And then there was the skiing.
Then he received an offer to move back to CA. Again, I wasn’t thrilled, but it was a great opportunity for him. Back in those days, San Clemente, CA, was a beautiful town to live in, so I somewhat reluctantly agreed we should leave CO and go. But the caveat was that I would be very reluctant to move and start up my business again for another relocation. Those olden days when I had agreed to go anywhere with him blurred in my memory with our changes of opportunity and circumstances. Eventually he started his own consulting business, my consulting business grew, and we remained in CA, since he could travel all over the country for his work. He only needed to be close to an airport.
In time, we decided to move to Florida as our final stop. We had family here; I decided to retire and my husband eventually did the same. We love it here, and both agree it was a great decision.
* * * *
These kinds of relocation decisions raise many questions for a husband and wife, and for those who have children involved. In our case, my original consent to “go anywhere” became tempered by new prospects that I’d developed. Back then, it was understood that when a husband could relocate for a better job or promotion, the wife was expected to go along. But then life intervenes, disrupting plans originally made with sincerity but with limited life experience. In our case, I think that Jerry’s opportunities were a very positive experience: we lived in beautiful settings, historic places and made wonderful friends. We learned a lot about how to be independent yet interdependent; how to be flexible regarding life’s challenges; how to be accommodating and yet clarify what was important for both of us. We learned a lot about ourselves and each other. So I have no regrets.
But I do wonder how couples make these decisions these days. I’ve heard so often that some couples pretty much live apart most of the time. Or they have two homes and visit each other. That was not our idea of a marriage. A marriage means two people sharing a home, learning, and sharing their life experiences.
Together.
Have you had to work through these kinds of decisions in your relationships?
Did you grow up in a family where your family moved frequently?
What do you think about relocation?
Published in Culture
Those are tough choices to make, but I think it’s nearly impossible to know in advance how kids will respond. Some people on this post have commented that they made the adjustment just fine. I just remembered that my family had to move when I was entering my junior year of high school–the worst! But it turned out great. I found a girls service organization and they accepted me, and I made some great friends. So you never know.
I don’t have any kids. My biggest regret is that I’m probably still voting in all those states whether I want to or not.
Military kids respond just fine in most cases.
It just occurred to me that if you want an example of a family who moved around a lot in the late 1800’s, it was Charles Ingall’s family, the father of Laura Ingalls.
He experienced considerable wanderlust, and he dragged his family around in covered wagon for a good 10 years before settling in DeSmet, South Dakota, and there’s speculation that his wife put her foot down about any more moves. After Laura Ingalls married, she traveled with her husband to various places from 1888 to 1894, including Florida, before settling in Mansfield, Missouri. Again, most if not all of this traveling was done in covered wagon, though there may have been some train trips included.
So back then, if you moved, you really had to want to move.
She and her husband did not move again, but she did do some road trips with her husband, he bought a car in the 1930’s or 40’s, and she even made one round trip plane trip to visit her daughter in New York.
But all her moving was back when traveling was very primitive.
Her story amazes me. People in her generation witnessed so many changes.
Not us, but our daughter and son-in-law, and the opposite conclusion. It is kinda amusing hearing them telling their children (our grandchildren, aged 3 and 5), “You better learn to get along with the other children in your preschool / kindergarten because you’re going to be with them in school until you graduate from high school.” I.e., they’re not moving.
They live in a smallish and relatively isolated town (population 18,000) dominated by one of the “National Labs” under contract to the federal Department of Energy, which is our son-in-law’s employer. Some of the engineers and scientists stay only a couple of years at the beginning of their careers and then move on elsewhere. But once someone stays two years, that person stays for an entire career. Son-in-law started in 2011, so he is well established on a lifetime in that town.
Daughter and son-in-law met on the opposite side of the country while son-in-law was completing school. When daughter told her then-employer that she was marrying and moving, her supervisor moved a lot of heaven and earth to permit her to be the second “remote” employee this large company had ever permitted (this was 2012 before “remote” work was common), so they could keep her as an employee (yes, daddy likes to brag!). There are now more remote employees, but her remote status does limit her options with the company. (She may be the only Millennial in the U.S. who is still working for the same company she started working for in 2008 as a fresh college graduate.)
Daughter actually has higher career income potential than son-in-law, but they are not willing to undertake the physical moves that would be necessary for her to chase that income potential. And living in different places with super-commutes is even less acceptable.
Our grandchildren
Mrs. Tabby and I moved only three times for work (my work, Mrs. Tabby’s career was full-time home maker).
Our first job-related move (about seven years into my career) was a disastrous move 400 miles within the same state three weeks before the birth of our second child (child #1 was 3 years old at the time). New place, new house with no time to “nest,” new mother, no friends, no social infrastructure (church), husband (me) feverishly trying to fit in with a new employer, etc. Worst six months of Mrs. Tabby’s life. Job didn’t work for me, either, in part because it quickly became clear that were I to stay with that employer we would have to move around the country every few years. Fortunately, former boss kept calling to invite me back, so after six months we moved back to our original town, and I went back to my prior employer. Since I had quit he could bring me back at a better salary and into a role with better responsibilities. Mrs. Tabby was happy to get back to the area in which we had both gone to high school, met, and got married, and back with the people she had known when we married.
Stayed put for another dozen years, during which the area changed dramatically. We no longer enjoyed living there. The population of the county (Orange County, California) doubled. Everything was more crowded. A commute that had started at 25 minutes became an hour. Other trips that previously took 10 – 15 minutes started taking 30 – 45 minutes. Costs were escalating rapidly. So less than career development, for lifestyle we wanted out, and I began looking for suitable employment in other parts of the country. We figured where we were was in year 2000 a very different place than it had been when we had been in high school 25 years earlier, so we could handle the cultural changes associated with moving to a different part of the country. Daughter (then 15 years old) was not happy, but adapted, especially when we found a high school district to move into that had a high caliber marching band for her to participate, and we found a very welcoming church. Son (then 12 years old) thought a move would be OK as long as before we moved he could finish sixth grade at the only elementary school he had ever known.
We stayed there for 18 years, until I was laid off and decided to retire. Mrs. Tabby never really liked where we were then, and so we moved.
Neither of us like moving and the attendant messiness. The physical act of moving is hard enough. But also finding a new supermarket and other shopping, new personal service providers (medical doctors, dentists, barber, hair stylist), car mechanics, home maintenance providers (plumber, electrician, HVAC, landscaper), favorite restaurants, etc. makes moving overwhelmingly stressful for us. So we avoid it.