Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Donkey

 

One of my patients I saw yesterday is a transplanted Englishman who is mystified by Prince Harry:  “If he wants to leave the royal family, fine.  Others have done that in the past.  It’s not for everyone.  But why is he so determined to destroy the entire institution on his way out?  Why can’t he just go, and do something else with his life?

I mentioned his perspective to my wife, who just shrugged and said Harry is trying to sell books, and is only interested in whatever money he can make, however he can make it, and he’s not acting on any particular principle.  She may be partially right.  But I really think there’s more to it than that.

There’s a brilliant post on the main feed which attempts to figure out why nihilists, who think that nothing matters, are so often tyrannical in attempting to control the behavior of others.  Bryan Stephens made a characteristically insightful comment, “When you make what happens the fault of someone else, you have to go after them.”

When I was in elementary school, I tried out for the basketball team.  There was one spot left, and Jimmy got picked over me.  So I didn’t make the team, and I was extremely upset.  I complained to grandmother about the injustice of it all.  Why was Jimmy favored over me, the coach likes him better, I don’t want to be on the stupid team anyway, and so on, like 10-year-olds tend to do.  My grandmother just looked at me and said, “Maybe Jimmy is better at basketball than you are.”  And, of course, she was right.  So I started practicing basketball at home, to try to make the team the next year.  Which I did.

Imagine being raised without a grandmother who cared less about your feelings than she did about your development as a person.  Imagine being so narcissistic that you just couldn’t imagine anyone being better than you at anything.  Imagine all your problems being someone else’s fault.  Imagine how angry you’d be.  Understandably.

This, to me, is the most destructive aspect of leftism.  Attempting to get votes by convincing people that their problems are not their fault, and that you will work on their behalf to punish those who have wronged them – that may win votes, but it is pure poison to a society.  Pure poison.  There is no surer way to destroy a society than that.

It was a more compelling story (especially to me) that the coach was discriminating against me, and didn’t choose me for the team because he’s a bad person.  Grandma suggested that perhaps I was a bad basketball player.  Her point was less compelling.  But on the other hand, it was true.

And thankfully, I listened to her, and I got to work trying to improve myself, rather than hurting the team (which is pretty much exactly opposite to Prince Harry’s response to perceived rejection).  I got better, and so did the team – they had a better player this year (Jimmy), and a better player next year (me).  I gained confidence, self-respect, and athletic ability.  The basketball team gained a good player the next year.  Everyone got better.

Simply because my grandmother wouldn’t allow me to wallow in narcissistic resentment.  She had lived through the Great Depression, and had little tolerance for my self-pity.

I wish Prince Harry’s remarkable narcissism was remarkable.  But these days, it’s not.

We’re destroying our children by protecting them from setbacks and inflating their self-image.

And causing them great pain, as well.  When my youngest started at Georgetown, she shared a house with four other girls.  My daughter was the only one of the five of them who was not taking psychiatric drugs.  She was mystified:  “I’m a scholarship athlete!  If I don’t perform, I lose my scholarship!  I’m majoring in Computer Science!  One of the toughest majors on campus!  In every class, I’m the only athlete in a roomful of freakazoid brainiacs!  The other four girls are non-athletes majoring in psychology, and they’re the ones who need drugs to handle stress?  WTF?!?

Prince Harry (and any other spoiled child) is incapable of happiness.  Because nothing is his fault.  Thus, it’s impossible for him to improve his life on his own.  From his perspective.  He’s lost the connection between his actions and the results of those actions.  Leading him from self-pity (sometimes understandable) to nihilism (ever and always inexcusable).

Prince Harry hit a rough patch and lashed out at those around him.  My daughter hit a rough patch, and she got to work.

And now, my daughter is much better off, and Prince Harry is much worse off.  Imagine that.

If you think you deserve happiness, or if you think you deserve anything else, then nothing is ever good enough.  If you want more of something, you resent whoever didn’t give it to you.  You don’t work harder to go get more of it.  You reflexively rage at the injustice of it all.

And it’s human nature – we always want more.  So if we expect someone else to always give it to us, we’ll always be disappointed.  And thus, angry.  And thus, destructive, rather than productive.

Prince Harry’s narcissism and resulting anger and resentment are destroying him.  Meanwhile, we encourage such behavior in our children.

Life is hard.  Get to work.  Nobody owes you anything.

I was fortunate to get that message in my youth.  So was my daughter.  Prince Harry, apparently, was not.  Or, perhaps, he just didn’t listen.  To the most important advice he’d ever receive.

The 10th Commandment is there for a reason.  It was placed there by someone who understood human nature much more profoundly than Bernie Sanders or Barack Obama or, dare I say, Pope Francis.  But who cares about donkeys, right?  The 10th Commandment may sound odd, but we should listen.  To perhaps the most important advice we’ll ever receive.

The survival of western civilization may depend on very simple things, more than on grand philosophies.

Life is hard.  Get to work.  Nobody owes you anything.

That message won’t win any votes.  But it just might save our civilization.

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  1. MarciN Member
    MarciN
    @MarciN

    I was thinking about this the other day. I am not a Bible scholar, so perhaps I’ve missed it, but I can’t think of a single place in the Bible where God or Jesus Christ says to someone, “So-and-so hurt you. It’s not your fault that you hurt someone else.” :) :)

    • #1
  2. navyjag Coolidge
    navyjag
    @navyjag

    Another great post. Loved Lydia’s story the best.  I was half your size so no way would make it in football but could shoot so made the basketball team. But could not dunk.  Great lesson for parents about motivation. Hope to meet you and Lydia sometime. With someone else in tow. 

    • #2
  3. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Dr. Bastiat: It was a more compelling story (especially to me) that the coach was discriminating against me, and didn’t choose me for the team because he’s a bad person.  Grandma suggested that perhaps I was a bad basketball player.  Her point was less compelling.  But on the other hand, it was true. 

    This is how the left is destroying merit – discrimination of the less (or not) qualified . . .

    • #3
  4. Hoyacon Member
    Hoyacon
    @Hoyacon

    I am trying to figure this out.  So excuse what may be a post masquerading as a comment.

    Like everyone, I’ve had reverses in life.  Unlike many, I have no interest in regaling others with the details, so you will have to take my word that some were fairly serious.  Yet it never occurred to me that life wasn’t hard, or that giving up and not getting to work was the answer.

    Why is this relevant here?  I have no recollection of being taught this.  While my family was far from a hindrance, I do not remember mom or dad or the one grandparent I knew sitting down and saying “Kid, toughen up, life isn’t fair, and you have to bust your patootie.”  I never had the “mentor” that everyone seems to require today, and I don’t recall running around looking for “role models.”

    I’m old enough to remember debates about fluoride, so I don’t think this was “in the water.”  But I do think that the positive attitude highlighted by the O/P was in the culture . . . then.  I do know that it just kind of happened to me, as kind of a conglomeration of influences.  But I don’t think that it would have happened today.

    • #4
  5. EODmom Coolidge
    EODmom
    @EODmom

    Grandmother was engaged and attentive in your life, and when she delivered her observation she did so with love and you didn’t doubt her intentions for you. And she didn’t tell you what to do. That’s a grandma. Loves you and tells the truth. 

    • #5
  6. Dr. Bastiat Member
    Dr. Bastiat
    @drbastiat

    EODmom (View Comment):

    Grandmother was engaged and attentive in your life, and when she delivered her observation she did so with love and you didn’t doubt her intentions for you. And she didn’t tell you what to do. That’s a grandma. Loves you and tells the truth.

    Thomas Sowell said something like, “If you want to help someone, you tell them the truth. If you want to help yourself, you tell people what they want to hear.” 

    • #6
  7. Justin Other Lawyer Coolidge
    Justin Other Lawyer
    @DouglasMyers

    I agree.  This paragraph especially caught my eye:

    Imagine being raised without a grandmother who cared less about your feelings than she did about your development as a person.  Imagine being so narcissistic that you just couldn’t imagine anyone being better than you at anything.  Imagine all your problems being someone else’s fault.  Imagine how angry you’d be.  Understandably.

    Once upon a time (what feels like a thousand years ago), I taught in a public high school and coached basketball.  I noticed a few things.  First, with the proliferation of youth sports, LOTS of kids played (in this case, basketball), so there were many teams with many team captains and starters and best players.

    So lots of kids (for perhaps as many as 5 years) got accustomed to playing all the time, often being the high scorer, and being lauded by their parents as being really good at basketball.  Then they got to high school and couldn’t figure out why they were cut from the team.  Not only were they “not really good”, in some cases they were barely average, yet they had no idea.

    I saw the same thing in class.  Parents would have one kid who had some wit and a degree a facility with some subject or another, and regrettably, parents would tell others how smart their kid was because he could do x or because he said y, etc.  Then they get to Algebra class and they have no idea that they’re really only of average intelligence.  It was a pity.

    FWIW, it helped me that I had a really smart older brother.  That helped me keep me grounded as to my capabilities.  I could hang with him on many things, but I could also see a difference.  Then when I eventually went to law school many years later (and even though it was not a terribly difficult school to get into), I was amazed how many really bright people there were.  Again, similar to with my brother, I could more than hold my own, but it was clear that I was not the smartest or most gifted.

    To wrap up, my wife and I have been gifted with a rather large number of children, and they are of varying intellectual and physical capabilities (duh, of course they are).  And we have tried hard to affirm their worth as our children and as children of God, without inflating their sense of self beyond what is real.  They seem to have responded well to that and accepted that their strengths may be their siblings’ weakness and vice versa.  We do no one any good to “blow sunshine” up their posteriors.  Being humbled is one of the greatest gifts we can be given.

    • #7
  8. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Hoyacon (View Comment):

    I am trying to figure this out. So excuse what may be a post masquerading as a comment.

    Like everyone, I’ve had reverses in life. Unlike many, I have no interest in regaling others with the details, so you will have to take my word that some were fairly serious. Yet it never occurred to me that life wasn’t hard, or that giving up and not getting to work was the answer.

    Why is this relevant here? I have no recollection of being taught this. While my family was far from a hindrance, I do not remember mom or dad or the one grandparent I knew sitting down and saying “Kid, toughen up, life isn’t fair, and you have to bust your patootie.” I never had the “mentor” that everyone seems to require today, and I don’t recall running around looking for “role models.”

    I’m old enough to remember debates about fluoride, so I don’t think this was “in the water.” But I do think that the positive attitude highlighted by the O/P was in the culture . . . then. I do know that it just kind of happened to me, as kind of a conglomeration of influences. But I don’t think that it would have happened today.

    You might have picked it up from TV, radio, movies, books, etc, without realizing it.  But TV, radio, movies, books, etc are much different now.

    • #8
  9. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Dr. Bastiat: Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s donkey

    Seems like in the past I remember it as “thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s ass” but these days that would probably be considered homophobic.

    • #9
  10. cdor Member
    cdor
    @cdor

     

    “Life is hard.  Get to work.  Nobody owes you anything. 

    That message won’t win any votes.  But it just might save our civilization.”

    Well, it just got you my vote, Doc. Receiving wise advice brings warmth on a cold winter day, Thank you.

    • #10
  11. navyjag Coolidge
    navyjag
    @navyjag

    Justin Other Lawyer (View Comment):

    I agree. This paragraph especially caught my eye:

    Imagine being raised without a grandmother who cared less about your feelings than she did about your development as a person. Imagine being so narcissistic that you just couldn’t imagine anyone being better than you at anything. Imagine all your problems being someone else’s fault. Imagine how angry you’d be. Understandably.

    Once upon a time (what feels like a thousand years ago), I taught in a public high school and coached basketball. I noticed a few things. First, with the proliferation of youth sports, LOTS of kids played (in this case, basketball), so there were many teams with many team captains and starters and best players.

    So lots of kids (for perhaps as many as 5 years) got accustomed to playing all the time, often being the high scorer, and being lauded by their parents as being really good at basketball. Then they got to high school and couldn’t figure out why they were cut from the team. Not only were they “not really good”, in some cases they were barely average, yet they had no idea.

    I saw the same thing in class. Parents would have one kid who had some wit and a degree a facility with some subject or another, and regrettably, parents would tell others how smart their kid was because he could do x or because he said y, etc. Then they get to Algebra class and they have no idea that they’re really only of average intelligence. It was a pity.

    FWIW, it helped me that I had a really smart older brother. That helped me keep me grounded as to my capabilities. I could hang with him on many things, but I could also see a difference. Then when I eventually went to law school many years later (and even though it was not a terribly difficult school to get into), I was amazed how many really bright people there were. Again, similar to with my brother, I could more than hold my own, but it was clear that I was not the smartest or most gifted.

    To wrap up, my wife and I have been gifted with a rather large number of children, and they are of varying intellectual and physical capabilities (duh, of course they are). And we have tried hard to affirm their worth as our children and as children of God, without inflating their sense of self beyond what is real. They seem to have responded well to that and accepted that their strengths may be their siblings’ weakness and vice versa. We do no one any good to “blow sunshine” up their posteriors. Being humbled is one of the greatest gifts we can be given.

    We only have 3. But just as yours with different capabilities.  They all are living independently but some lingering resentments about the most successful of the group which they tamp down at holiday get togethers. 

    • #11
  12. Jim McConnell Member
    Jim McConnell
    @JimMcConnell

    Justin Other Lawyer (View Comment):
    Being humbled is one of the greatest gifts we can be given.

    Amen. Amen.

    • #12
  13. Full Size Tabby Member
    Full Size Tabby
    @FullSizeTabby

    Hoyacon (View Comment):

    I am trying to figure this out. So excuse what may be a post masquerading as a comment.

    Like everyone, I’ve had reverses in life. Unlike many, I have no interest in regaling others with the details, so you will have to take my word that some were fairly serious. Yet it never occurred to me that life wasn’t hard, or that giving up and not getting to work was the answer.

    Why is this relevant here? I have no recollection of being taught this. While my family was far from a hindrance, I do not remember mom or dad or the one grandparent I knew sitting down and saying “Kid, toughen up, life isn’t fair, and you have to bust your patootie.” I never had the “mentor” that everyone seems to require today, and I don’t recall running around looking for “role models.”

    I’m old enough to remember debates about fluoride, so I don’t think this was “in the water.” But I do think that the positive attitude highlighted by the O/P was in the culture . . . then. I do know that it just kind of happened to me, as kind of a conglomeration of influences. But I don’t think that it would have happened today.

    I too do not recall a specific person teaching me this explicitly, but somehow it did become part of the background in my consciousness, at least by the time I got to high school (early 1970s).

    In high school I was able to accept that Jeff was a better musician than I was, so of course he was going to be first chair. Although Tom did not have as high a grade point average as I did, he had other traits that might make him more attractive to the high status college to which he got accepted that did not accept me.

    Nonetheless, I still had trouble when I got laid off at age 62 that it might not have been just because my two levels up boss didn’t like men, and recognizing that maybe there were other factors that might have led to me being chosen for layoff over other people in the department.

    • #13
  14. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    Full Size Tabby (View Comment):
    Nonetheless, I still had trouble when I got laid off at age 62 that it might not have been just because my two levels up boss didn’t like men, and recognizing that maybe there were other factors that might have led to me being chosen for layoff over other people in the department.

    Another occasion to embrace the power of “and.”

    • #14
  15. She Member
    She
    @She

    MOAR Grandma!

    My own had a withering saying by which I think she’d have summed up Harry in pretty short order.  It was “putting on airs to be interesting.”  The subtext was that the target of her remark was assuming a false and pretentious superiority over others, somehow imagining that this made him “interesting,” and special, when he was–of course, and like most of us–anything but, and a dullard to boot.

    • #15
  16. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    She (View Comment):

    MOAR Grandma!

    My own had a withering saying by which I think she’d have summed up Harry in pretty short order. It was “putting on airs to be interesting.” The subtext was that the target of her remark was assuming a false and pretentious superiority over others, somehow imagining that this made him “interesting,” and special, when he was–of course, and like most of us–anything but, and a dullard to boot.

    Seems like it took a little while for Meghan to figure that out too.

    • #16
  17. Dr. Bastiat Member
    Dr. Bastiat
    @drbastiat

    kedavis (View Comment):

    She (View Comment):

    MOAR Grandma!

    My own had a withering saying by which I think she’d have summed up Harry in pretty short order. It was “putting on airs to be interesting.” The subtext was that the target of her remark was assuming a false and pretentious superiority over others, somehow imagining that this made him “interesting,” and special, when he was–of course, and like most of us–anything but, and a dullard to boot.

    Seems like it took a little while for Meghan to figure that out too.

    I think she’s a bit more than a casual observer here… 

    • #17
  18. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    I’m all in favor of destroying the depraved institution of monarchy, but those two morons won’t do it.  

    • #18
  19. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    I blame McDonald’s. In 1971 they launched one of history’s most successful ad campaigns, “You deserve a break today…” Suddenly the culture was awash in telling you what you deserved, not what you needed, or what you earned, but what you deserved.

    The only time my old man used the word “deserved” is when I did something incredibly stupid and got hurt. “Yeah, boy. You deserved that.”

    How many divorces start out with the words, “Don’t I deserve (fill in the blank)?” Oh, hell no. You got kids and responsibilities. You deserve what you’ve already got. You raise ‘em right and then you’ll get what you deserve.

    • #19
  20. Clavius Thatcher
    Clavius
    @Clavius

    Dr. Bastiat:

    Life is hard.  Get to work.  Nobody owes you anything.

    Words to live  by.

    That message won’t win any votes.  But it just might save our civilization.

    I certainly believe so.

    Thanks for another great post, Doc.

    • #20
  21. Western Chauvinist Member
    Western Chauvinist
    @WesternChauvinist

    I know this post isn’t really about Harry, but I find it fascinating (and not in a good way) that soooo many people want to hear his story. I was waiting for takeout in a bistro recently when a young woman and her grandmother(?) sat down on the sofa near me. The youngster was all about Harry and his book (she was one of record-setting millions? who bought it!) and talked her grandmother’s ear off. I covertly watched the grandmother to see her reaction — polite pretend interest — no comment. 

    Narcissistic youths enamored of other young narcissists, I guess? I find Harry to be a tragic figure despoiling his own life, but I’m fairly convinced the royal family will muddle through. Keep calm and carry on.

    • #21
  22. CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill Coolidge
    CarolJoy, Not So Easy To Kill
    @CarolJoy

    Wonderful story about your wise grandmother.

    My dad offered me some wise advice when I was ten, and complaining  about the awfulness of having parents who gave me only 50% of the allowance the other kids got: “You need to get yourself a job.”

    Yes, I was ten. But I realized by his tone of voice that he meant it, and the suggestion would not have been made if I couldn’t make it happen.

    Within a week I was digging up tiger lilies and wild rose plants found on abandoned lots & in Chicago’s forest preserves. Everything got biked home and watered and pruned. Then I sold the plants to older women on my street, who also agreed to pay me more  if I planted them.

    I soon had an “allowance” of 4 bucks a week – 8 times what the other kids were getting. But the bigger lesson was that I could  avoid “victimology” and work to change things to my advantage.

    As far as this lost and forlorn guy, “The Angry Prince,” I have no idea what makes him tick.

    He is in direct line of succession as far as being king. So the institution he is now busy  taking swipes at is an institution he could someday need to be part of.

    Should he ever end up being the king, how much of the English public will be alienated by his current day behavior?

    In any event, I hope he wakes up soon, and offers an apology. Given how his birth order could indicate that he was the child of his mother, just as William was the child of the father, her brutal senseless death might offer an excuse for much past wrongs to  be overlooked. That is, if he should  manage to shed his childishness and allow himself real growth.

     

     

    • #22
  23. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill
    @EJHill

    And today this is how this story ends:

    “Why was Jimmy favored over me, the coach likes him better, I don’t want to be on the stupid team anyway, and so on, like 10-year-olds tend to do.  My grandmother just looked at me and said, ‘You’ll make the team when I’m done taking a baseball bat to Jimmy’s knees.’ Grandma Corleone was the best!”

    • #23
  24. kedavis Coolidge
    kedavis
    @kedavis

    • #24
  25. MarciN Member
    MarciN
    @MarciN

    I have mixed feelings about this. My parents and grandparents were far more concerned about us kids “getting a fat head” or “too big for our britches” or “not knowing our place,” “being seen but not heard”–it was all very negative. “If someone says something nice about you, it’s because that person is nice. It doesn’t mean you deserve it.” The teachers were always right. We were always wrong. Blah. Blah. Blah. :) 

    I think self-confidence is fragile in children, and I wouldn’t do to my kids what our parents and grandparents did to us. Although I have more self-confidence than I deserve to have, my sisters have always been a little more timid and lacking in self-confidence than I think they should be. And my mom’s confidence was nonexistent because her parents were so hard on her. My dad, in contrast, had some naturally occurring self-confidence that other people liked to be around, and I tried to emulate him in terms of how I interacted with the world. And I am so glad I did. I have so many wonderful friends because of it. We all like to be around confident outgoing people. 

    I believe there is a middle ground, which is where parents and others zero in on actual achievements. (Coaches and tutors seem to do this instinctively.) 

    I read a book when my kids were small about how psychologists help troubled (the clinical term was “disturbed” at that time) children. Middle-school-aged kids were the subject of the book. The teachers and child psychologists used a successful method they described as “modeling”: in essence, they said, they looked for things to praise that the kids were doing. Silly things for a while: “Thank you for remembering to close that door on your way out.” Their success made a big impression on me. More than anything else, I wanted emotionally healthy kids. I thought I could fix everything but mental illness. So when my kids were really little, I worked to do some amount of “modeling.” It wasn’t trumped up. It was real achievements, but the deeds weren’t always big. I think attentive parents and teachers do this sort of thing automatically, but for abused or neglected children, it has never been a part of their life.  

    You want to fill up your kids with their own knowledge of their own concrete achievements so when times are tough for them and you’re not around, they can recall other times when they got through tough challenges successfully. 

    My kids turned out pretty well. Actually, very well. :) :) 

    • #25
  26. Unsk Member
    Unsk
    @Unsk

    Hoyacon:

    “Why is this relevant here?  I have no recollection of being taught this.  While my family was far from a hindrance, I do not remember mom or dad or the one grandparent I knew sitting down and saying “Kid, toughen up, life isn’t fair, and you have to bust your patootie.”  I never had the “mentor” that everyone seems to require today, and I don’t recall running around looking for “role models.””

    Much of what parenting is about is Expectation.   You were expected to behave in a civil way by your parents and so  you did.  Kids do not need to be harangued. Back in the day I read numerous studies about why certain kids achieved so well, and it was all about that they were expected to. When you look at many of the kids from the Ghetto or the Barrio, the expectation is that they will fail, and they have been given a ton of excuses almost on a daily basis why they should fail, so they do.

    My wife long ago at my daughter’s expensive prep school went to a seminar on parenting and what was communicated to me  from that seminar was  that good parenting was about the combination of setting boundaries on the one hand, and heaping love and affection on your kids on the other. It is very important that your kids know absolutely that you love them.

    I think that is right.  Setting boundaries is setting expectations.

    But setting boundaries is hard. You have to be the meanie sometimes which is not fun. But your kids will respect you for it.  If you do not set proper boundaries in a loving way , your kids will constantly test those boundaries and will grow up unhappy and lost.

    • #26
  27. Ansonia Member
    Ansonia
    @Ansonia

    Great post, Dr Bastiat.
    I’m thinking two things.

    (1) We sometimes don’t teach our kids that lots of things  that are not their fault are still be their responsibility. Let’s say it genuinely wasn’t your fault that you weren’t as good at basketball as you wanted to be and could be. Let’s say family circumstances had prevented you from being able to practice for a while. You would still have to make yourself responsible for practicing to get up to speed, once circumstances changed, because there’s not actually anyone else who can do that for you.

    (2) Prince Harry might be trying to sort of  coerce the royal family. The unspoken message might be “You make exceptions for me and I won’t use whatever evidence and credibility I have to make you look bad, because either I’m getting what I’m demanding or I’m bringing the whole thing down so that nobody gets anything.” (This is a version of a game Leftists and alcoholics frequently play.)

    • #27
  28. Randy Weivoda Moderator
    Randy Weivoda
    @RandyWeivoda

    Hoyacon (View Comment):

    I am trying to figure this out. So excuse what may be a post masquerading as a comment.

    Like everyone, I’ve had reverses in life. Unlike many, I have no interest in regaling others with the details, so you will have to take my word that some were fairly serious. Yet it never occurred to me that life wasn’t hard, or that giving up and not getting to work was the answer.

    Why is this relevant here? I have no recollection of being taught this. While my family was far from a hindrance, I do not remember mom or dad or the one grandparent I knew sitting down and saying “Kid, toughen up, life isn’t fair, and you have to bust your patootie.” I never had the “mentor” that everyone seems to require today, and I don’t recall running around looking for “role models.”

    I’m old enough to remember debates about fluoride, so I don’t think this was “in the water.” But I do think that the positive attitude highlighted by the O/P was in the culture . . . then. I do know that it just kind of happened to me, as kind of a conglomeration of influences. But I don’t think that it would have happened today.

    I think some of it is just person-to-person variability.  Even within a family where all the kids grew up in the same household, attending the same school and church, etc, you may have one kid who grows up to be average, one who is far above average in self-motivation, and one who is a slacker.  Not to say that parents and environment don’t play a role, just that even some people with lousy parents succeed and some who come from very good families won’t even try.

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  29. BDB Inactive
    BDB
    @BDB

    There’s a universal structure to this story, and Harry is the protagonist, not his appalling wife.  At best, she’s C. F. Kane or Jett Rink, who are one-dimensional characters.  Harry has real decisions to make, with real motivators, and mutually exclusive, equally unacceptable alternatives.  Had he simply chosen his marriage and privacy over royalty and publicity, he would be another wealthy dependent hiding in the back pages of gossip rags, and quite comfortably so, thank you very much.

    But he puts the simp in simpleton, and while he refuses to make a decision, he also is unable to separate himself from the supposedly horrible family which supposedly injures him so.  That’s because his complaints are without substance.  And so he is strung along through a tale of woe by the harridan whom he is not man enough to confront, always grousing, always complaining, always peevishly envying the ostensibly virtuous and rewarding lives of others which may as well be extraterrestrials from his ginger prison of doubt and recrimination.

    I have a theory that when one is truly angry, it comes down to self-disappointment and the struggle to avoid admitting it.  You may wrongly blame yourself for some horrible thing, but blame yourself you do, and when you stop doing that, you find that the horrible thing can be accepted as a fact, and life goes on however maimed the remainder may be.  And sometimes, the blame truly is your own, of course.  Harry is furious at his family and furious at his wife — but really it’s his own weakness that stokes his resentment.  He hates his decidedly unmanly, un-masculine, immature behavior, and these forces in his life which should push him to be better merely reveal him to be inadequate.  A force can act upon an object, but there’s nothing there.

    Having no life force of his own, he has been Fausted by this hooker with a heart of trash into championing her causes, fighting his own family, using her language to praise her to her friends in view of the whole world.

    Loser.

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  30. Gazpacho Grande' Coolidge
    Gazpacho Grande'
    @ChrisCampion

    It’s externalization.  My problems are caused by someone else, etc, which only excuses current behaviors.  As others have noted, spend 10 minutes with an active alcoholic or other substance abuser and you’ll hear a lot of this.

    I don’t care about the “royal” family in any way, shape, or form, but the lessons are instructive.  I had a paper route when I was a kid, probably age 11-12-13, somewhere in there.  Up at 5-5:30 every day, 7 days a week.  Walk up the street to the corner where they drop the paper  bundles off.  Load up 2 bags, straps criss-crossed across my chest, one bag on each hip – then walk up and down a couple of long streets, dropping off a newspaper, one at a time.  Sundays sucked, the papers were filled with fliers, and were much heavier.

    Then:  2-3 times a week, go “collecting”, which is knocking on the doors of the people you drop papers for, and ask for the $1.90 or whatever, and wonder why someone would give a kid 2 dollar bills and ask for the dime back.

    I can’t imagine a lot of kids today going this work for some spending money.

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