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Seeking Feedback from My Christian Friends
Since I sometimes have a tendency to meddle in other people’s business, and not always artfully, I decided that I might benefit from getting the input of others about an idea of mine. The action I’m contemplating may or may not be helpful, but if it is heretical, I’d just as soon keep quiet.
Some of you may remember that I have a hairdresser whom I’m very fond of. She is a devoted Christian, and we have had many discussions about religion, and we have loved learning from each other. She’s a Conservative, too, and periodically we commiserate about the state of the world. She also saw me through some of my cancer issues, including the shaving of my head. So, I think it’s safe to say we are relatively close.
At the end of last year, Karen was surprised to learn she had to have heart surgery. In a sense, she wasn’t too surprised because heart disease runs in her family. Still, she was impatient about getting past her recovery time so that she could go back to work. A couple of weeks ago she gave me my first post-chemo haircut.
Although Karen is regaining her strength, her progress has been limited due to her reticence about starting physical therapy. I’m assuming that there’s a part of her that resents, is perhaps even angry about, having to give up the time and make the effort to exercise. So she’s put off scheduling her sessions. When my husband (who also goes to her for haircuts) and I have tried to gently encourage her, she nods her head and agrees, but so far, no dice.
I have this idea that I’m considering to give her a nudge to move forward. Let me say first that I have spent the last several years trying to abstain from giving advice; it’s a bad habit I practice and although I’m still not free of it, I’ve done much better. If I have a suggestion that I just can’t resist, I ask permission to offer it, prepared to have the person say no. (My husband and I have agreed to this approach, especially since my suggestions are sometimes ill-timed. It works.)
So here’s what I’m thinking of offering to Karen. First, I will ask if I can offer a suggestion about her physical therapy. Although she’s likely to say yes just to be polite, I’m ready for her to say no. I’ll let the idea go at that point. Second, I will offer my suggestion. It could take a couple of different forms:
How about asking Jesus to go to physical therapy with you? or
How about asking Jesus to go with you to your appointments?
I have no idea how she will react; at first, she might just open her eyes wide and either laugh or be miffed. I will let her determine the direction of a discussion, or her decision to reject the idea. But I so much want to be helpful in a loving, caring way.
If she asks me if G-d exercises with me, I will tell her yes. I suspect he doesn’t do leg stretches, but especially recently, I know he’s there. Would I make the suggestion to a Jewish friend to invite G-d? If the person was religious, I would.
What do you think? Am I nuts? Do you think I should or shouldn’t proceed? Do you have any suggestions for wordsmithing or strategy?
Published in Religion & Philosophy
FIFY, as they say on the internet.
I can’t speak ‘as a Christian’, but I don’t think its offensive; it might, however, come across as somewhat insincere or manipulative to make an appeal on the basis of a faith one does not share. Changing ‘Jesus’ to ‘God’ would bypass that and basically mean the exact same thing to a Christian. Also, while Christians in practice generally apply more emotional salience to the New Testament*, they will also respond positively to making appeals based on the Old Testament, providing it comes from someone who believes in it, and doesn’t involve obvious interpretive divergences between the faiths (when in doubt, ask Ricochet).
*regardless of what religious authorities or teachers say should be the case
Thanks, lowtech. I am so pleased and impressed at the wide range of approaches to my question. I’m really learning a lot from everyone, and appreciate the efforts to help clarify my potential goal.
I don’t think Susan should avoid saying her hairdresser might go to therapy with Jesus. She’s not being manipulative or condescending, she’s just saying, “I don’t do it, but why don’t you do it?”
I certainly do not have all the relevant facts about the situation. I would consider going with her a couple of times.
That’s a sweet suggestion, Dave. Thanks.
Perhaps my experience today would help. It is a bit of a tangent, but it talks about being there for others.
I have a new client in the office with 88 days of sobriety after 25 years of hard drinking. He brought his friend who had had 6 months sobriety before “going out” to do more field research on if he was an alcoholic; he is now back on the wagon of sobriety, and he has 96 hours of sobriety. When we could not find a meeting for them to go to today. I closed my door and pulled up on my computer “AA How It Works.” We held an AA meeting in my office.
Jesus once said that when two or more of you are gathered in my name, I am with you. It only takes two AA members to have an AA meeting. And if you took her on trips to the physical therapist, you would be her angel.
There is nothing inherently wrong with doing that sort of thing, from a theological perspective (do you remember that poem about footprints on the sand?). A great many Christians have such a “daily life” view of God and Jesus, that they incorporate that language into literally everything. My mother-in-law is that way – she will say “well, the lord really was working in …” regarding most things. I don’t happen to agree with my mother-in-law, inasmuch as I think it is kind of a silly outlook to suggest that Jesus, through divine intervention, is personally and directly responsible for everything that happens in your life. I just don’t see Christianity in those terms, so the mindset makes little sense to me. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with her seeing things in that manner – in some sense it is true, though probably not in the exact sense she is implying. On the other hand, I could probably benefit from more of that mindset, if I take seriously the biblical notion of the Holy Spirit.
So – all that to say – it really just depends on your friend. If she tends to speak in that sort of language, your idea might spark some interesting conversation and get her mind going in the right direction; it could be a real encouragement. If she doesn’t tend to speak in that sort of language, it might still make for an interesting conversation, but it may not have the effect that you intend.
Either way, I cannot imagine that she would be offended by your saying that, as if it is heretical or somehow disrespectful…
I’m pretty sure I had an argument with you a few years ago over my suggestion (which is still true!) that there is such a thing as Christian Jews. You seemed a bit offended, and I was surprised by that. I believe it simply reminded me that (some) Jews and (some) Christians tend to think very differently about these things. Not terribly surprising. But your comment above reminds me of the interaction – most Christians take the notion of Judeo-Christianity pretty seriously, and also take seriously the New Testament idea that Jesus “came not to abolish the law, but to fulfill it.” In other words, I cannot imagine any Christian ever being offended by a sincere appeal to Christ.
(that being said, there are certainly insincere appeals that are pretty offensive… such as when an atheist thinks it is some sort of slam-dunk argument to say “but didn’t jesus teach you to love your neighbor??” etc… etc…)
(In case you’re wondering when that happened, it was when you first joined Ricochet… so, quite a while ago)
Thanks so much for sharing this, Ryan. All you say makes sense. Thanks.
Here’s an example of this. We were just in Montana and my MiL was recovering from a hernia surgery. She had a complication and was feeling like crap… but she also ended up bloating (in the belly) significantly, which my wife noticed and then basically just stood her up and put her in the car to go up to the hospital. It ended up requiring an additional surgery and several days in the hospital.
She was talking to me a few days ago, and said: “you know, Ryan – here’s what the Lord did, it’s just amazing…” and basically said that she was texting a nurse friend, who told her to call the dr. It was right at 5:00, but the dr. hadn’t left the office yet, so she did get through to him… and was told to go up to the hospital. She said this was a miracle.
On the one hand, I disagree with my MiL. She should have gone in to get it checked out days prior, but my FiL is pretty cheap and didn’t want to go up to the hospital. She’s also not nearly assertive enough to insist on taking care of something like that. After my wife insisted, she went ahead and followed up. The fact that it was almost too late was a coincidence. I don’t think any of that was divine intervention. I think there are all sorts of behavior choices (the way she eats, etc…) that contribute to both the problem and the complication, there are relationship issues that contributed to the delay … if you’re going to go around saying that God is personally responsible for the Dr. being in the office after 5 (which is pretty common), you’re sort of bordering on the Islamic theology of perpetual creation – which, in my opinion, is nonsense. God gives us the ability to reason, and that is amazing, he gives us intelligence, which is also amazing. But I don’t think he necessarily intervenes in our daily lives to that extent.
But, on the other hand, I don’t think my MiL is necessarily wrong about the whole thing. At the end of the day, we both acknowledge God’s gifts to us… but we have different philosophical outlooks. When she prays, my MiL asks God for very specific things – a sunny day, that the car will not break down, that no deer will jump into the road, etc… When I pray, I ask God for wisdom and patience.
I think it would be an interesting theological discussion to break all of that down, but I don’t think either of us is totally wrong.
And I hold the same view. Mainly because it doesn’t make sense to me. But I have friends here whom I respect and am less frustrated by their beliefs.
Actually I agree with almost every point. (I say “almost because I didn’t study every comment!) I don’t hold G-d responsible for every good outcome. But I’ve come to believe that He can influence us in many ways. If we are open and paying attention.
My only point was that most Christians think about things much differently than you might… Consider that Jesus was Jewish, as was the vast majority of the early Christian Church. But I meant that in a positive way.
Not every providence is a miracle. Not every non-miracle is not the work of G-d.
I didn’t say she was being manipulative or condescending, I said it could come across that way. Susan is just worried about and looking out for her friend.
You mean, like, all of his disciples.
Okay. I didn’t say you said that either. You didn’t use the word condescending at all. I was just making a point that she shouldn’t worry about it.
If she’s been a Christian believer for any significant time she’s likely to be aware of what is called The Parable of the Talents presented by Jesus, The Messiah in Matthew 25:14-30. In this parable Jesus lays out a fictional account in which different servants are given different sums of money or resources on account of their master who goes away for a time and they are responsible for managing that resource on behalf of the master’s interest during that time. While the first two take the money and invest it such that it will make money or provide a return, the third does nothing despite knowing the master’s character and expectation. That third servant is judged harshly for not managing just the little amount that was entrusted to them and those that did well were blessed and entrusted with more.
I’d be inclined to ask your friend if she’s aware of the parable and liken her opportunity post-surgery to one of the servants in this account. She has been given a great opportunity and has the chance to manage the new resource well for her master (God, the giver of life) and she will give account for what she does.
Does she believe that what was said is true?
What an excellent suggestion! I’m sure she does. I don’t think people equate managing their health and wellbeing with a duty to G-d–am I framing that correctly, jmelvin? I try to keep my health and wellbeing in mind; my body has been entrusted to me by G-d, and I think I should respect and treasure that. That’s why I feel sad when people who are religious don’t make much effort to take care of themselves. It will be the only body we get! (Unless you believe in reincarnation.)
Yeah, you’ve got it correct. I’m surely not one who’s going to make a big issue needling people about every aspect of life, but when you’ve undergone some major surgery just so that you can continue living versus just giving up and dealing with the health ailments and dying, it would seem that would prompt some action on your part to make the thing “stick.” Otherwise, why bother with the surgery?
This is something that very much hits home in my own family, so it’s not an unfamiliar topic.
I saw her today when I got my hair cut. We asked her if she’d started her physical therapy, and although she said she’d started walking, she hadn’t started her PT. So I’d written down the reference to Matthew on a piece of paper, gave it to her, and said I thought she might like it. I kept it very low key. So I hope she’ll read it and it will be helpful to her (and that she “gets” the reference). I’ve been praying for her, too, so let’s hope it all comes together!