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Donald Trump probably intended to call me for advice about tonight’s debate. But he’s a busy guy, and he apparently forgot to call. No hard feelings. But in the spirit of goodwill, I offer my suggestions (free of charge!) on how he can easily score a spectacular, knock-out win in tonight’s debate. Any of the below should work, but the more he uses, the better his odds at a dominating win. When you watch tonight’s debate, if you see him use these techniques, you’ll know that he managed to call me before the debate started. Consider this your insider window to Trump’s debate prep. So to win tonight’s debate, Trump should:
- Every single time that Mr. Biden says anything which might possibly be somewhat questionable, Mr. Trump should yell, “You’re a lying dog-faced pony soldier!!!”
- If Trump’s history of infidelity should come up, Mr. Trump should deny any previous inappropriate behavior, then ask if he could come across the stage and sniff Mr. Biden’s hair.
- If Mr. Trump’s tax returns should come up, Mr. Trump should say, “One problem with earning money legitimately, is that you have to pay taxes on it. I am sometimes critical of Mr. Biden’s 47-year career of corruption and extortion, but when it comes to tax law, Mr. Biden’s approach has real advantages…”
- Biden is likely to question Mr. Trump’s record, saying things like, “When has Mr. Trump ever cared about black people?” or “When did Mr. Trump ever provide good jobs at good wages to working Americans?” or things like that. Every single time he does that, Mr. Trump should answer with, “Joe, I did that while you were napping…”
- Whenever Mr. Biden gets confused or stumbles over his words, Mr. Trump should conspicuously speak into his cufflink, “Could you please slow down the text on Joe’s teleprompter?”
- This is exceedingly unlikely to come up, but if, at any point during tonight’s debate, Chris Wallace appears to be unbiased, Mr. Trump should smirk at him and say, “If you ain’t a Democrat-voting communist, you ain’t a media member! C’mon, man!”
- If Mr. Biden questions Mr. Trump’s response to COVID-19, Mr. Trump should respond, “COVID-19 is mainly a threat to the very elderly, the very sick, and the very frail. So Mr. Biden’s concern is perfectly understandable…”
- If Mr. Biden accuses Mr. Trump of being a polarizing figure who treats black people disrespectfully, Mr. Trump should respond, “My friend Clarence Thomas would very much like to discuss that with you, Joe…”
- If Mr. Biden says something that makes no sense whatsoever, Mr. Trump should politely raise his hand, give Mr. Biden a sympathetic look, and earnestly ask someone just beyond the camera, “Here, just point Mr. Biden’s teleprompter over here, and I’ll answer for him…”
- If Mr. Biden confuses someone’s name or gets some other basic fact mixed up, Mr. Trump should lean over to him and say, “Now Joe, if you ever enter those nuclear codes into the flashy thing, you may want to double-check a few things before pushing the pretty red button…”
Are there any other suggestions for Mr. Trump from the studio audience?Published in