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If I Were The Good Cat, I Would Make The Weird Human Stay Home
Dearest Weird Human,
If I as the Good Cat could, I would make you come home more often. Just sitting on top of the suitcase when you’re packing doesn’t seem to do it. The other three humans are nice and all, they always have treats (and you’re stingy with those!), and pats, and call me by my real name, but it’s not quite the same. You let me lay next to you all day, even when I sit on the keyboard because I want more attention and make the laptop start flashing, and take me on walks with the leash so I can catch butterflies, and on visits to your friends.
Maybe I don’t hate everything about you being gone, you do bring back fancy foreign cat food, but couldn’t you leave for shorter periods? Surely you only need a day or two to fill up the suitcase with treats for me. Another thing, I don’t like the looks of that succulent, Elie. I’m your writing partner, what does that brainless thing have to contribute? If it were here, I’d chew on it, just like all of the other house plants. Then pull it out of its pot and dig it a hole in Dad’s tomato flats. That’s what you get for treating me like a dog and teaching me to fetch, follow, and carry things in my mouth. And that’s what that stupid green waste of space gets for pretending to be an equal pet.
While I’m at it, you should FaceTime more! Sure, every couple of days is okay, but you could be better about it. I like it when Mom calls and you’re running outside, though, because then I can see all of those delicious birds. Instead of the food, why don’t you bring one of those back next time? I also notice a distinct lack of warm university sweatshirts to cuddle in during the winter; if you intend to keep all of the ones you have, then I believe I’m owed one for myself. In red, please. Mom mentioned to Dad, too, that you spend all of your extra time in the library, and that it’s full of big, comfy chairs and old books. Don’t you remember that those are my two favorite things to sit in?
Since you’re always searching for the caveats, I will say that we don’t miss the strange music, or the old/foreign movies that annoy Mom, or the frustrated Russian cursing (too much, at least). Every once in awhile, though, maybe I wouldn’t hate it if someone danced around the kitchen with me to “Monday Morning Quarterback” or “Paint It Black”, or played “Sing along with the Rat Pack” when all of the other humans are out. But I am perfectly fine with not being forced to sit through old Humphrey Bogart movies, or French art films. By the way, Fiona would also like to say that she appreciates you being gone because she no longer has to run away with the phone in her teeth when a voice annoys her (she’s been counting the days since a “Violent Firing Line Related Workplace Incident”). The new friends of yours that I get to meet on FaceTime aren’t bad, and they always request pictures of me, which I’m happy to pose for. Have to have a backup human, human.
I think you’re leaving again. I know, ‘cause suddenly you’re out of the house all day saying goodbye to people, and frantically studying, and you come home smelling like monk more often. (By the smell of things, they have a dog, so I’m not sure I approve of you hanging out there). We’ll try the suitcase trick again, but I have my doubts about it working. Just keep in mind my complaints here, human, and work on improving. If you insist on not coming home until December, at least remember exactly which kinds of Waitrose cat food I enjoy.
Until then, cuddles while you read?
Sincerely,
The Good Cat
(P.S. The Bad Cat may also kind of miss you, because you bring good food, and make silly noises at her when she’s expressing her contempt for the humans, which she interprets as agreement; probably not though. Certainly not much. She says that’s as far as she’s willing to go, and even that is generous, Bad Human).
Be careful what you wish for Good Cat. We have our weird human home all the time now. We miss laying in her suitcase that was always on the floor, although the laptop isn’t bad. She used to give us extra treats when she came home because she felt guilty about being gone all the time. But no extra treats anymore. In fact, she is trying to put one of us on a diet! Foolish human.
Puir wee bairns.
Mine too!
We had a dog, Muffin, who would write thank-you letters to my aunt and uncle who dog-sat when we travelled. She would always thanks them so much, and tell her how she’d try to make us feel guilty for leaving her behind, but she secretly loved to spend time with them because they spoiled her. My aunt and uncle loved her letters, much in the tone of your post. Thanks for a sweet post and for bringing back memories!
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