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Engaging the Most Vulnerable
Many of us have seen the images of mostly elderly folks with their faces and hands on windows, as a loved one gazes at them with smiles or tears on the other side. We are trying to protect these people who are in nursing homes, in the last years of their lives, by incarcerating them. It is both frustrating and heartbreaking. We have also isolated those who are in their own homes but in a fragile condition.
I relate to these situations because I am a hospice volunteer. My patient whom I had been seeing for many months has been isolated from visitors since the start of the coronavirus, except for the medical staff from hospice. My patient in particular has dementia, and although I have been sending her greeting cards with a photo of me inside, I suspect her recollection of me has become tenuous if not non-existent. Yet I know the cards bring her joy, which is most important.
The other day, however, I saw an invitation from hospice that delighted me. Our supervisors asked if anyone would like to engage some of our hospice patients as pen pals! Remember pen pals? It’s been a long time since I have had a pen pal relationship, mostly with cousins and friends. But writing letters to someone who lives alone, who is still vibrant in spite of the knowledge that she has a limited time on this earth, seemed like a special opportunity.
So I was assigned to a patient that the supervisor thought might be open to a pen-pal relationship. I called the patient the other day, introduced myself, and asked her if she would like to be my pen pal. She was delighted! When we spoke further, she did have some concerns. First, would it be okay if she wrote only at those times when she felt well enough. I assured her that she and I were the ones who would decide how we would write to each other, and I emphasized that I would like her to write only when she felt like it. She chuckled and said that it was a lovely idea. I bought some pretty stationery and envelopes and sent my first letter two days ago. She also asked if we could talk at times; I promised her that I would call once per week. (I’m also on the border of being a “most vulnerable” and try to limit my commitments.)
For those of you who would love to do more for those who are the most vulnerable in your lives, taking on the role of pen pal is very easy. Here are my suggestions:
- Buy some pretty stationery to provide you and your pen pal with an aesthetic experience besides your words.
- Keep the letters short and sweet; you don’t need to write a tome, and neither do they.
- Don’t worry about your writing skills; write the way you would converse. Be yourself.
- Focus topics on the everyday; we did become a little acquainted on our phone call, but I will continue to fill in my story.
- Tell short and pleasant or funny stories of your life.
- Invite your pen pal to tell you a few things about himself or herself. Don’t ask for too much, or you might make it feel like a demanding obligation to meet.
I’m sure I could add many more ideas, but I’ll have to see how our correspondence progresses. Most importantly, I will be certain to hold up my side of the commitment.
Keep in mind that you have the chance to bring intimacy and light into another person’s life.
You will both be sowing joy.
Published in Culture
Sure hope this goes to the main feed soon!
Fantastic idea! I have an aunt in nursing care on the other side of the country. She has dementia, but I’m sure she would appreciate receiving mail. Thanks!
What a great thing, Susan! I’m going to do some thinking on who I can add to my snail mail list. I can’t think of anyone who isn’t delighted to receive something in their mailbox. I’ve tried to be consistent in sending some small note or card to my school-age grandkids and their mama as well as son and girlfriend, all of whom are stuck working/schooling at home and in high-density cities so they don’t get out much at all.
One thing that Susan’s pen pal idea does is to reintroduce a bit of novelty to a person who’s daily life may no longer see much novelty. Except perhaps for bad news.
A couple of anecdotes to illustrate:
1) Years ago, during the O.J. Simpson trial, one of my colleagues (Al) had his mother living with him in that stage of dementia in which she was unable to form any short term memories. At the time CNN Headline News was essentially a thirty minute loop, and was always leading off with the OJ coverage. Over and over. And over..
But Al told me his mother enjoyed it immensely precisely because she had no detailed recollection of the story by the time the next 30 minute cycle began, and so every 30 minutes, grandma had a “fresh” topic of conversation for her son and grandchildren. Al told me that his teen kids were almost saintly in their expressed interest.
2) My daughter teaches middle school theater, and twice a year she arranges for her students to visit local nursing homes and perform various skits. Sometimes the students will engage sufficiently to have one or more of the residents be a part of the skit. The feedback she gets afterwards from staff is overwhelmingly positive about how it affects the residents, and usually includes a request for repeat visits. Again, it’s something new for people who don’t see a lot that’s both new AND happy.
Keep it up @SusanQuinn ! And thank you.
Wonderful stories, @limestonecowboy! Small opportunities or gestures from us can be such a big deal to them. I loved the thought of Al’s kids. Thank you!
That’s so sweet! I go to college abroad, so I’m separated from a lot of my friends and all of my family, and getting a letter or a postcard always makes a day so much better. Before we began exams, I sent a care package to the monastery I frequent, to try to help them not have to go out to shop quite so much and just as a pick me up, and the thank you letter they (and the dog) sent back made the loneliness of solitary lockdown a little bit more bearable.
Now if the dog is thanking you, you know you’re in good company, @kirkianwanderer! Seriously, I think we have all gotten out of the habit of staying in touch through personal letters, and I think it’s symptomatic of the alienation so many people are feeling. Thanks for writing!
The dog was thanking me mostly because I included a package of treats and two tins of fancy British dog food in the package. We have cats, so I know how much the furry beasts like to be included in the humans’ activities (although in general the box anything came in is what will make them happiest).
(Before and after a trans-Atlantic journey. I only have the after picture because they sent it, and a note, to my parents via email telling them what I had done. It was the sweetest way anyone has ever tattled on me to my mom and dad).
Definitely the kind of tattling you can encourage!
Absolutely! My parents thought it was hilarious that I was being “told on“ for doing something they had no idea about, with photos as proof.
This is such a fantastic idea, Susan. Thanks for sharing it!
In case you missed it, here is a moving tribute to hospice workers in this insane time: https://seandietrich.com/angels-you-never-hear-about/
This post made my day. Thank you for posting it! I want to give you a virtual hug and my deepest gratitude for being a hospice volunteer. It really takes someone special to care for our loved ones in the last hours of their lives. My grandmother was in hospice before dying and I remember the kindness and compassion of the volunteers and workers. And as for pen pals- yes! I worked in memory care a while back and it was so sad to find out how few family/friends visited, and that was pre-COVID! I think sometimes we underestimate how little effort it takes to brighten someone’s day.
G-d bless this hospice nurses. They are a gift from heaven.
That is so true, @jennastocker. I never knew for sure if my dementia patient recognized me, but I knew she did when she would tell people on certain visits that she loved me. Then I knew she knew who I was. I miss her. And thank you for your kind words.