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Am I the Only One Who Hates Small Talk?
Words are both precious and powerful. They can create; they can destroy. We can use them to deepen relationships or damage them. We can use them to comfort or wound. When we engage in small talk, we have the opportunity to do a great deal, or very little. We take for granted our gift to use words.
Let me start by saying I’m an introvert. Talking only interests me when I am with people I appreciate, find interesting or know personally. I can get on a roll if you ask me about a topic I’m especially interested in (and you seem genuinely interested in hearing from me), but otherwise I’d just as soon sit in solitary silence.
During my life, I’ve discovered that people like small talk far more than I do. They use it as a means to break the ice, to strike up a conversation, over usually unimportant or random topics. Sports, shopping, the price of anything—all these are topics that people indulge in, just to be connected. They can go on for hours (yawn) and I generally look for an escape route. I’ve received the message that deep, meaningful conversation is either a mystery in that environment or undesirable. Time to move on.
I have qualifiers to my perceptions of small talk. When I was my husband’s arm candy—er, partner at company functions, I grudgingly engaged in a lot of small talk. It was my job. Eventually, I realized that I was getting pretty good at it. I even discovered that some conversations went deeper, talking about values, religion, ideas. But most of the time we covered the basics: how many kids they had, their hobbies, the weather, where they lived—you get the picture. When my husband and I retired, I had even less incentive to engage in small talk and found that as my introversion deepened, I was primarily interested in conversation that I found enriching. I guess that makes me a snob.
Now my attitude may have something to do with my being an introvert. I don’t crave talking with people. I don’t mind it when I’m with a small group of acquaintances who enjoy being together; I just listen. Usually, I limit my time, though. I wonder if extroverts enjoy or at least tolerate small talk better than I do.
I do engage in small talk in one particular environment: as a hospice volunteer, especially if a patient has dementia. It is a challenge to find things to talk about when a patient often has limited memory of the recent past. Sometimes they remember old stories, and we explore them together. The most important thing for me to remember is to meet them where they are, and sometimes to find alternatives to conversation.
Don’t misunderstand—I do share small talk with close friends. Often, we start out with small talk, like a person who takes the time to turn on the heater for a while in a car in cold weather before leaving home. But at some point, we usually go deeper. And all my friends have a sense of humor! So we must laugh together; silliness is acceptable small talk.
I think a big part of my preoccupation with small talk is that I will be 70 years old this fall. I’ve done many things that have enriched my life, and have known some special people, but I’ve lived more years than I have ahead of me. I want the years ahead to be meaningful, to not be wasted in the trivial, to be fun or enriching or in deepening relationships. I hope that’s not too much to ask or expect of life.
How do you feel about small talk?
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Yep, small talk is everything you say, but you also identify why it is important, particularly when people first meet.
It breaks the ice, it gets the conversational ball rolling. If you’re lucky, someone will bring some meat into the discussion and things take off from there.
Otherwise, there’s that awkward silence before someone says, “I need a refill.”
“But your bottle is only half empty.”
[chug chug chug] “Now it’s empty. I’ll be back”. Not . . .
I know lots of people who seem only to do small talk, @stad. Such a waste, IMHO. By the way, I don’t want anyone to worry about small talk on this post! All comments are welcome!
No.
I’ll stop there.
Susan, your introversion sounds exactly like my own. I find that it is easy for me to talk in structured situations, like a class or discussion group. But unstructured settings are extremely difficult. When I die, if I wake up at a cocktail party or wedding reception, I’ll know I’m in the Bad Place.
Mrs. E volunteers at a nursing home, and has often said this. I remember this was helpful when my father had advanced Alzheimers.
You, too! I remember saying to a casual friend once that I hated small talk. He looked puzzled. He was the kind of person, extroverted, who loved to just chat. About anything. So we didn’t visit much, but he came to my meditation group. No problems there!
I used to not be a fan of small talk either. But I have found over the years that in order to connect, even with some in our own family, it can be all we have (thinking 15 year old grandson). Making the effort to communicate, even when it seems superficial, sets up a foundation of interest and common ground (or not), and a level of comfort, especially when the other person is very uncomfortable with silence. Letting people talk about themselves is a way to hear stories that can amaze and it makes people feel valued.
My husband and I occasionally work at the antique store, and a simple question or a ‘this is cool’ about an item someone is buying brings out some of the best stories. We have met a refugee from Communist Hungary, an honest to goodness currently employed train engineer (and his son who has Autism and could only talk about school buses), a detective, a lady whose sister works with the State Department in Honduras, a 10 year old who told us all about his coin collection and how he and his grandfather started it, and on and on. A little small talk (rather than ‘have a nice day’) has truly enriched our lives. It doesn’t matter that it’s not deep and meaningful, but it is fun, and it makes someone else feel good. I don’t want to sound harsh, but I’m not much younger than you @susanquinn, and I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not all about me.
Extroverts at meditation group. How does that even work?
I dislike small talk, but I’ve found I’m pretty good at it. Kind of have to be when working in an office environment when all sorts of people could walk in the door at any time.
The trick seems to be to engage the other person in such a way that they end up doing all the talking. (Of course, then you have to endure small listening.)
While I acknowledge the problems people have with small talk, and the difficulties it presents for introverts, I am beginning to worry that we are all becoming increasingly isolated people, interacting with others only through touch screens. So small talk, as annoying as it is, may end up being a healthier activity for society in general than we know.
I’m also reminded that this winter, thanks to the record-breaking snowfalls we’ve had (and the associated back-breaking shoveling) I ended up doing small-talk with several neighbors while helping them clear sidewalks and driveways — people I hadn’t previously talked to at all. This is good for a neighborhood, because now we kind of know each other. (This assumes your neighbors are the sort of people you don’t mind sharing a street with.)
A couple of responses, @juliana. Most of what you describe (to me) is not small talk. As I said in the OP, small talk can be helpful to get a conversation started, and I have no problem with that. I’m just not interested in having a lengthy, small talk conversation. I’m sorry if I made it sound like “it was all about me.” I think life is about making choices. I do many things for others (such as hospice) and I think there are choices I can make for myself without apology. I’m glad that you do the same. Finally, if we see ourselves as creative beings, we can use small talk as a way to open a door. But when we walk through the door, I prefer to create beauty with the other person, not the mundane.
This is great! I’ve had the same experience at the church where I work, particularly with some of the older members of our congregation. There are a lot of stories walking around out there and just a little priming of the pump, so to speak, you can get some really great tales pouring forth.
Very funny! Even extroverts can benefit from being quiet and still now and then! ;-) Although very few extroverts seem willing to do that!
All very good points, @drewinwisconsin, and I bolded one of my favorites. I have to confess: I was the person who brought our whole street together with a coffee and cake get-together ten years ago. We still have activities. And most of them are around small talk. But in the larger scheme of things, we are also there for each other (just like your snow-shoveling) when people need help. I attend those get-togethers but I’m not the last to leave.
This is a great conversation, because it looks at the different dimensions of small talk; you folks are expanding a way to look at it!
I’m an introvert who tries not to be, if that makes sense. I’m perfectly happy to be by myself (often reading. So am I still by myself?). But I also like variety but have no desire to have a split personality. So I do seek out others but in moderation. Small talk comes in handy then.
I don’t think I have the aversion to small talk that you do. I’m just no good at it and recognize that. And not being good at it doesn’t bother me. I see it as an ice breaker as others have stated. It is also a means of gauging whether I want to continue talking to the person which is both a conscious and subconscious evaluation. If I do, then it becomes time to delve deeper, but then the other person may have made the opposite evaluation. But when that is not the case, friendship may ensue.
We have a lot of similarities, although I can do small talk quite well. As a trainer and consultant, I would often engage with participants before sessions and at breaks because I wanted to de-mystify who I was. In fact, people are sometimes surprised when I say I’m an introvert! Wonderful explanation of your own relationship to small talk, @hangon.
Sometimes when I have a moment or two, I think up something to say to the cashier.
”Did you find everything you were looking for today?”
”Nope. Ruby. Size of my fist. Been looking a while. There’s a Gurjari looking for it too. Name of Kamal. He has a monkey that sits on his shoulder. He bites. The monkey, not Kamal.”
I’ll get halfway through that before the cashier starts giggling.
Usually I avoid small talk.
There is no small talk. Especially in light of the alternatives.
Alternative #1 is no talk, which means that the chances you are going to get to know someone is slim, and the chances that they are going to come away with a very poor opinion of you is very high. Alternative #2 is large talk, which is fine if you’re thrown into an arena where you know others share your interests, dangerous when they don’t. So talking big ideas like politics and religion right off the bat is not always a good idea.
I have a reputation of being a bit of a raconteur, I believe that an amusing story, usually where things have gone south for me, is a good way to get people to open up about themselves. Small talk can lead to big talk. And sometimes, the reaction to the small talk lets you know when it’s best to avoid the big talk.
(I tell my stories and all of my children dutifully laugh. There’s four of them and I have proven that it’s easier to get new children than to get new stories.)
If I could do what you and @ejhill do, @percival, I might change my mind!
I am not much for small talk, but I have got pretty good at listening. By which I mean when I am with strangers I am pretty good at putting out verbal chum to spark the other person talking. When that winds down I through out another line to spark another conversation. I give the other person what they desperately seek: an audience.
I may speak one or two words for every 50 they speak, but generally they do not notice. Often I am only half listening, and generally for a clue that it is time to ask another question. They go away convinced I am a fantastic conversationalist.
I, too, am an introvert, albeit a mild one. I find it painful to be in a crowd of strangers, except under limited circumstances (for example, if I am there to give a talk). Throwing out verbal chum (“So, what do you do?” “What about the weather?” “What’s new?”) and letting them take center stage beats putting myself on stage. And people are so grateful.
Yes.
I envy my friends who seem to have the gift of using small talk to launch into deeper conversations. These gifted people seem to be able to engage small children, teenagers, waitresses, and anybody else who crosses their paths almost instantaneously. I like to hang out with people like this in public situations sometimes just to learn from them. I am still pretty slow at this, but I think I am improving some. One opener I recall Dr. James Dobson recommended using with children was asking the child if he was ever stung by a bee. He claimed this was a sure conversation starter. I see small talk as a skill to be learned in order to transition from being a total stranger to one who is trusted enough to enter into real conversation with.
Ah, yes, @joelb. This, too. You and others are motivating me to reconsider my thinking. I’m not there, yet, but I’m feeling a small shift. And I’m ever so grateful.
I am phobic about small talk to what probably approaches a pathological degree. When I’m walking from my car to my office at work, I will deliberately slow down, speed up, or even alter my route to avoid walking alongside people I know (unless I know them well). If I’m purchasing a small number of items at the grocery store, I will always choose the self-checkout, so I can avoid the necessity of small talk with the cashier.
I know this is irrational, but it’s a response to a basic fight-or-flight physiological response. I know that I am very bad at small talk. I have never been able to come up with breezy, casual chatter; I don’t know what to say when people ask how my day is going, or venture their opinions about the weather. I stumble and say awkward stupid things, and then walk away reprocessing the conversation and coming up with better things I should have said. The whole process stresses me out, so I just avoid it.
After years of practice, I have mastered the basic script of the standard checkout transaction, so I’m fine as long as the conversation proceeds as expected from “how are you” to “paper or plastic” and “thanks, have a good one.” But if somebody deviates from the script with “any plans for the weekend?” I am left stammering and helpless.
I exaggerate, but only a little.
Another conversation starter to be used with children is asking them what games they like to play. Of course the next step is ‘how do you play that?’
I’m struck, so far, that many of you seem to see small talk as a way to plant a seed, to lightly engage, often for the opportunity to share further or more deeply, if the conditions are right. I hadn’t seen that dimension, since in general I see many people who make small talk as the primary mode in which to converse. Maybe I need to pick better acquaintances!
Perfect! I will be spending Passover with the @iwe family and I’ll have lots of chances to practice! ;-)
Do you have four stories or four children?
Is the objection really to “small talk” or to the placement in settings and with people where moving the conversation beyond small talk to more interesting topics is undoable? Fundamentally small talk is an opening, but a deeper connection is sought. That deeper connection is not possible with some people due to time, location, circumstance and just plain personality and outlook.
Mrs. Rodin sometimes refers to me as “one big head” because I can be quite content in my own mental space. To me that means that I can enjoy my own thoughts more than conversations that do not appeal or interest me. I am not embarrassed to remain silent unless I am in a setting where I carry the social obligation to assure that people are engaged and entertained.
My age is close to @susanquinn ‘s so I have the same priority concerns and disinclination to spend a lot of time doing anything I don’t have to or don’t particularly enjoy. I don’t object to small talk per se, but it really is a question of context and it is the context where one is limited to small talk because of the people and place that I find unappealing.
Excellent points! (You always offer those!) I bolded my favorite. I think that is a very big part of my perception. Thanks, @rodin!