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Grinding Love
Whatever it is that ends a life prematurely, however that person might have distanced loved ones, those left behind inevitably wonder what more might have been done to help. We feel keenly the broken bond and desperately imagine how it could have been mended.
Sometimes I recall my time looking after my grandmother in her final years and regret how little attention I paid her in exhaustion or want of time for selfish pursuits. Then I realize how similarly I limit time with my parents, friends, and others to return to separate affairs.
The courage of soldiers defending their brothers or of mothers protecting their children is often breathtaking. Yet it can seem so easy, so simple, to give one’s life totally in a brief dramatic moment when compared to the day-in, day-out sacrifices needed for years in more regular situations. One’s elders or children need constant attention. People with health maladies or disabilities require special, endless care. Difficult personalities make personal investment laborious and draining.
“All you need is love” is among the silliest lines ever written. Love is difficult … even when we can certainly recognize it, which we often don’t.
Love isn’t just a dramatic embrace or bold choice in the heat of danger. It can be a monotonous grind of mundane but vital acts of service. It can be painful endurance of obstinance, stupidity, failures, and cruelty. It can be discernment of best options in impossible situations and unavoidable divisions.
Love can be easy, sometimes. But even the kindest and brightest people fail at it, again and again. Good people try to love. They study, train, and practice at loving well. They mess it up. Then they try again.
One can never do enough to preclude all those cumbersome “What if…?” reflections on lost opportunities or fond reimaginings. We can’t know how things would have turned out differently. And all the good will in the world won’t afford you enough time to totally devote yourself to every relationship. But one can always do better. You can always recommit yourself to love… whatever it is.
Published in Religion & Philosophy
This is a really solid, realistic post, Aaron. I believe–I want to believe–that on the basis of a (so far) long life, that I’ll always come through with the attention, focus, and energy to get my wife and I through anything. I doubt I’m wrong. But I know I’m human, always a strong risk factor for failure.
Who among us has not had to kick ourselves a little harder to do what we had to do when it was hot, cold, rainy, distant, or unpopular? And who among us has never, ever been tempted to not do it? How many had to remind ourselves because we were and are not natural born saints?
“But I have promises to keep. And miles to go before I sleep” from a poem
by Robert Frost
comes to mind.
How many have done what needed doing never seeking nor gaining recognition for it? That’s what really makes the world go round.
Very well said, very apt.
This. Thank you, Aaron. That’s what we are called to do, I think. To learn, to keep trying, to grow in our ability to help others.
I am not sure this is always the case. Sometimes, grinding love will wipe you out. There are people who need to spend more of that love on themselves, because they never do. God help them, because when they try, the people in their lives will push back hard.
In any relationship, one person ends up working harder than the other for some of the time. If that is every relationship you have, you have a problem. I speak from experience, and right now, I feel pretty ground down.
Aaron, “if” and “shoulda, coulda, woulda” are stumbling-blocks for helpers and helpees. That vicious circle can devour us from the inside out.
The only thing we’re asked to do is the best *we* can – as we see it – at the time, one day at a time/hour at a time/minute at a time. Anything else keeps us from moving forward on the journey; and keeps those to whom we’ve bade farewell from resting well. Trust the Someone who said: “Let him who thirsts come to me and drink.” [John 7:37] Prayers…
You’ve got it right, Aaron. Love is what you do. It is working as someone’s ally, for their best. My wise friend Millie says “Love is the heavy lifting.”
“Love starts as an emotion, but to endure must become a decision.” Some preacher on a PSA on AFRTS back in 1976.
Caregiving can be a very lonely job. Part of it is that caregivers give up other pursuits and friends. There is a wistful waving at life as it seems to pass by without you. But the most difficult part is being the one person who is still there after the doctors and nurses have left. The caregiver can do almost nothing to alleviate the suffering. It is really stressful. That said, of course it is far more stressful being the person needing the help.
Our standard of living depends on caregivers across the country. They are good people who want nothing in return. So it is nice for us to acknowledge them.
My old wise Italian mother-in-law used to say, “Whenever you see someone in a wheelchair, don’t forget to say a quick prayer for the person pushing it too.”
That’s particularly true of *family caregivers*, Marci, and it’s more likely than not that quasi-professionals (even for respite) are difficult to find, for various reasons. Lots of prayer going on around this subject, for certain…
There’s a line we dance around when it comes to caregivers. We need them to give their time and care quietly without looking for credit or thanks. If they or we make too much out of their gift, the people who need help will neither ask for it nor accept it. No one wants to be a burden to others. We have to be cheerful caregivers. Otherwise, civilization will fall apart.
This is one of those things where we function in some sort of unspoken realm of human relations. It would confound artificial intelligence completely. :-)
And reasonably pleasant recipients of assistance, as much as possible; often challenging, and definitely confounding… :-)
I can say, as a natural caregiver, people don’t dance around the line. They ignore it, and take the caregiving for granted. And if you spend less energy on them than they are used too, they push back.
It is very hard to redirect energy onto yourself after a while. No one actually wants you to do it.
I hafta say, Bryan, that’s a pretty categorical statement; as a lifelong recipient of physical care, I find it nearly-insulting. I see my caregivers – paid or otherwise – as persons, deserving of my gratitude and respect. Some have even become friends. I hope I’m not the exception that makes the rule.
This, actually, is exactly what I am talking about. If I express being tired, heck, even feeling resentment at the energy others demand of me, I am in the wrong.
It seems there is no way for me to express my pain without insulting others. Message received. Ricochet is a place where others get to complain, but not me.
It sounds like you need help. If you can articulate what you need, perhaps you can find some. I found teenagers were fantastic at helping me. I know you are a leader of Boy Scouts. You might find some help there. The key is putting into words what you need.
Perhaps also spend some time listing the big time-consumers and deciding if you can skip some because they don’t further your caregiving goals for the person you’re caring for.
Speaking of goals: Not without a lot of frustration many times, I had a lot on my plate for twenty-five years: three kids, my job, my community, my mom, other relatives, my neighbors, our pets.
I’m a goal-oriented person. I need to succeed, and the only way I can do that is to set my own goals. The good news is that I’m my own boss. The bad news is that I’m a tough person to please. So be it. :-)
I read in a book, the title of which I can’t recall at the moment, I worked on years ago that success and achievement are much more energizing than rest or sleep. Wow, is that ever true. So if you set some goals and achieve them, perhaps that will restore your feeling of balance.
I am not caring for a specific person who has a lot of needs, I just spend energy caring for everyone around me. If there was a designated person I care for, maybe it would be better, because then, at least, people would say give me credit. I don’t get credit. Everyone looks at me and my marriage and talks about how great my wife is for caring for me. They don’t see what I do for her. No one acknowledges the little things I do for others. I do many minor caregiving things, all fall under the radar unless I don’t do them, then people push back. And if I complain about them, or resent them in anyway, I am met with dumbfounded expressions.
I’d love to be my own boss. That is a long term goal, but right now, I am not, and I have to be full of gratitude for what I have, because this time last year I had no income at all. In fact, I have been told that expecting any fufillment from work is a fool’s errand, and derided for it.
My life is all duty and responsibility for others. As was said in Parenthood “Everything I do is Have-Too”. It is clear that even expressing that is insulting to others. Lots of people have it worse, so I should not complain at all. Count my blessings. This is what I asked for in life. Just Man up and keep grinding away.
If it makes it any better, I would not have been able to do what I did if my husband hadn’t done so much to help. I appreciate his help, and I’d bet your wife and kids appreciate yours too. :-)
Husbands and fathers are very much taken for granted. I’m sorry that’s so.
My husband has a picture of Saint Joseph in his workshop. He always jokes that there is something in the Bible somewhere or in religious folklore that the day the world recognizes Saint Joseph, the end of the world is nigh. :-)
Money problems are the worst of all types of problems, I think. I am sorry you are dealing with that too.
This is a bug, not a feature, of online conversation; nonverbal, personal cues are often missing…Being “on” for the other in a caring context is wearing, indeed…Feel free to vent Bryan; we’re here for that, too…”They always…” tends to foreclose communication a bit…”I’m having a tough day…” is welcome – and necessary. :-) Divine Help is always open, btw…