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5 Bulletproof Reasons ‘Die Hard’ Is No Christmas Movie
I’m saving the ultimate, unimpeachable reason for last, but let’s get right to it:
- It’s Not a Christmas Movie: Anyone claiming it is a Christmas movie is either having us on, or they’re as clueless as Deputy Chief Dwayne T. Robinson. That’s enough to settle the matter, but I’ll go on.
- F Words and Nudity: If a certain word starting with “F” is in the movie, it’s not a Christmas movie. Also, if you are a free, American adult, you have a choice of watching Christmas movies or watching movies with topless girls. What you cannot do, by the immutable laws which govern the present universe, is have both in the same film. You know why. “But,” you might respond, “I saw an edited version once! So that version was definitely a Christmas movie!” Well, first of all, see #1, and secondly, how can it be a Christmas movie, if it can’t be shown on an airplane without edits? I’ll calculate the last digit of pi as you struggle to craft an answer.
- Year-round Viewing: Suppose, on a lazy evening in August, you call a friend of yours, and inquire what they’re up to. “Watching Die Hard,” they reply. What is your response? You’re not going to say “In August?” or “But it’s not Christmas!” No, you’re not going to say that. And you know you’re not. QED, not a Christmas movie. Die Hard, being an action flick rather than a Christmas flick, is something people are likely to watch any time they want some action-fueled escapism. If you come home, and your roommate is watching Die Hard, you don’t have to check the calendar. If your friend were watching It’s a Wonderful Life in April, you probably would remark on their viewing it “out of season,” even though it’s a fine film for all times of year, and only the finale is set during Christmas. But it’s so much closer to being a Christmas movie than Die Hard, that most people would remark on the perceived oddity of viewing IWL in summertime. Also, see #1.
- An Action Hero Does Not a Baby Jesus Make: I needn’t get so deep (because see #1), but I suppose someone will propose that Die Hard is a film in which all seems lost, until a hero arrives, to set all things right. Messiah McClane enters our darkness, punishes the wicked, and redeem the captives. Why, Nakatomi Plaza might as well be a stable and a lowly manger. Well, OK, but now you’ve made every action film a Christmas film.
- And now, the final point, and the one that will force the Die Hard diehards to their knees, and force them to confess the truth. Were this a Christmas movie, you know those Japanese guys would be eating some KFC. Are those Japanese guys eating KFC? No, they are not.
If that last point doesn’t clinch it for you, I don’t know what to tell you.
Published in Entertainment
Buddy the Elf agrees with you! Anything not sugary does not taste good.
Is so.
That is not bullet-proof, it’s ad hominem.
These are unsupported assertions. Such a movie might not be family-friendly fare, but that does not mean that it can’t be done. It would depend on how one was presenting the Christmas story. For instance, I can imagine scenes in the palace of Herod…
Again, assertions, not some bullet-proof point. I watch ghost-story movies all year round. That doesn’t mean that they aren’t better on Halloween to help set the mood. Likewise, seeing old Gruber falling off the building can really set the mood for Christmas.
This is your only real point out of the five. Another way of putting it is that there are many movies set around Christmas or Easter or Halloween that merely have the holiday as a backdrop. Bernard and the Genie really is about Christmas, not just set at Christmas. Christmas in Connecticut or It’s a Wonderful Life or Holiday Inn are more just set at Christmas, while they may have messages of giving embedded within them. Same with A Christmas Story. From Time to Time is a ghost story set at Christmas.
Oh, for Cod’s sake!
Well, that’s weird what it did to points two through four.
Edit: now they are fixed. What up Ricochet?
Thread winner.
Careful how you cite your quotations there. Someone might be confused and think that’s your original thought.
I seem to remember a couple getting caught in flagrante delicto, but I don’t remember how explicit it was.
My name’s not PJ O’Rourke.
Hmmm…..is there a list of Christmas films with nudity? Asking for a friend.
I haven’t watched it yet this year, but I remember that as well. The terrorists are clearing rooms to gather everyone into one location and a couple who’d gone off to partner up were shown. I think the lady’s blouse was unbuttoned and bra off. Very brief. Also, the aforementioned calendar.
We need some serious “truth in advertising” laws around that vile so-called fruit.
Few things in life are worse than buying something purporting to be “citrus” flavored and finding out the hard way that it tastes like yuckfruit.
Rebuttal points:
Violence? John McClain taking out Eurotrash criminals is far less disturbing than Herod “the Great” slaughtering babies in the Nativity backstory.
Sex? There is more sexual interplay and sexual suggestion in the average Hallmark Christmas movie than in Die Hard.
Christmas theme? A touching family reconciliation plus the thematic bonus of the personal redemption of Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald Veljohnson) who recovers both the desire and ability to shoot a bad guy when it counts.
Undeveloped point: The poor are blessed as that whole end of LA is covered in Nakatomi bearer bonds scattered from the explosions.
Yippie Ki Yay and Merry Christmas.
No one is arguing it is a bad movie. Just that it is not a Christmas movie.
Not addressing the question at hand, but Ronald Reagan set up an office in Nakatomi Plaza after he left the White House. On one of the unfinished floors that John McClane ran around in.
I thought we would be in the camp resisting this kind of fluidity. Christmas movies have to be about the themes and ideas of Christmas.
Are we counting Lethal Weapon as a Christmas movie?
In some ways all the really good movies are Christmas movies, because they represent something of the human spirit that speaks to us at a time when we need it. In the dead of winter when things seem bleak, there’s few things you appreciate more. Life is often dark, and even if it’s not in the script, a little catharsis never goes amiss. Or even just an acknowledgement of something felt or sensed or a reflection of … well, you get the idea.
Oh, man. I really didn’t want a flashback to Mel’s buns.
Also, shooting bad Germans never gets old.
Sorry about that. I was remembering Patsy Kensit, but that was Lethal Weapon 2.
Did Patsy get nekkid in that? I don’t remember that. I do remember watching “Absolute Beginners” purely because she was so hot. What a boring movie that was.
I remember her being topless in Riggs’ camper.
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0180984/
We’d better. It was Lethal Weapon that convinced Fox to make Die Hard in the first place.
(Not a lot of people realize that Lethal Weapon came out first.)
Here’s a list of “The Top 10 Adult-Oriented and/or R-Rated Christmas Movies”
https://screenrant.com/best-christmas-movies-adults-r-rated