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Britain Is Toast
Government is inherently wasteful and prone to stupidity and as such outsourcing to the private sector is often the conservative solution to solve that particular problem. But does it really work?
Serco is an international services company based in the UK that does everything from catering to running air traffic control. Last year it brought in revenues of £2.95B ($3.78B USD). Serco began life as a UK subsidiary of RCA and was spun off as its own company in 1985 when GE swallowed up its American parent.
In 2017 it was awarded the contract at University Hospital Southampton to provide catering for the NHS. That contract is worth about £125M. What are they getting in return? How about a two-page, eight-step instructional guide to teach the staff in the fine art of the “Production and Service of Toast.”
There is a very good possibility that there are a lot of rogue, untrained toast makers among us that represent a danger to themselves, their loved ones and to society at-large. So, with a tip of our Oxford Herringbone English Tweed Wool Baker Boy Cap to the UK Sun, here are the basics with the reminder (item 3 under Safety & Hygiene) “Do not use the toasters unless you have been trained on the safe use of this equipment.”
You will need the following items: Toaster, Plastic Tongs, Hair Net, Wipes, Plate or tray for collecting toast, Brown or white bread.
And as an additional safety reminder, “At NO point during operation of the toaster are you to leave the toaster unattended.“
*Ensure you wash your hands and wearing a hairnet
*Collate all equipment required for use – as per above
*Place bread into slots
*Turn toaster dial to setting 2.5 and push lever down
*Wait beside toaster until completion of full cycle
*Remove toast from toaster with plastic tongs and place on receptical (sic) [Plate/tray]
*Place completed toast in either Beverage trolley toast compartment or suitable receptical (sic) for transporting to ward
*Offer to patient butter/margerine (sic) and appropriate conserves, knife and napkin
The “author” of this tome is listed as Billy Storrs and is to be reviewed again come next 24th of July. Perhaps by then young Billy can be taught to use spell check on his computer and see the error of his ways. I mean, where’s the instructions for the proper placement of the orange cones and use of the safety harness?
Published in General
Sophia Loren admires Jayne Mansfield’s toast rack in this picture taken in 1957.
Put it in the microwave for 2 seconds.
You didn’t specify if the microwave had to be turned on or not.
Nice rack.
(And I swear I’ve never used that phrase before in my life, but I just couldn’t resist. One’s never to old to grow.)
Yes, that explains it. Thanks.
It MUST be turned on. However, it doesn’t matter whether it’s plugged in or not.
See picture above.
And there’s never a saucer for the tea bag.
Jayne Mansfield’s toast rack?
Or, so boiling hot that it’s safe to drink when you’ve finished/got your check/and paid it. Yes, indeed. :-D
Oh, and, what about so-called “English muffins”, aka ‘crumpets’, I hasten to add? :-)
Hilarious that you mention Bristol, as the absolute worst toast I’ve ever had was also in Bristol — it wasn’t even toast, it turned out, but fried bread that was 80% grease and 20% bread. That trip to England put me off breakfast for 20 years: soggy toast and limp bacon the morning after a pub crawl is no way to live.
Sounds like a traditional après-bender breakfast to me.
Back in prehistoric times, “Nice Rack” actually used to be the product name of a bicycle cargo rack made by Surly Bikes.
Oh. Bread fried in bacon grease. One of the seven wonders of the world. Double yum! Clearly, whoever it was who made your fried bread didn’t have an adequate instruction manual.
Per the instructions, a completed cycle of toast.
My dad was a WWII Army vet. That must be why he loved it when my mom made SoS. During Lent is was creamed eggs on toast. I still make it sometimes. Yum.
My Dad was Korean War-era Army, attached to the nascent Air Force (as a materials engineer) – and described this dish the same way. Also, he informed his kids of the joys of poking weevils (referred to a ‘raisins/extra protein’) out of his toast.
AFAIK, there isn’t a working concrete bicycle, but there is this:
And don’t even try getting an omelet for breakfast. You will be packed off to a mental ward. You can have one for supper, but never for breakfast. I’m a very tolerant person with cultural differences, but that one! No way.
If you were to actually set the toaster to 2.5, you would burn the toast. I know.
Is anyone else reminded of this song?
But where are the instructions to eat said toast? I’m hungry now!
Confession: I had only read only the article and none of the comments when I pulled out my toaster, and ate eight slices of buttered toast — delicious, and rare for me, and skimmed with butter I always keep at room temperature on the dining table for friends “just in case”. In the dark of the morning, it was a pure pleasure.
English muffins and crumpets are two different things, both delicious.
Pray elucidate, Mis…Thanks in advance!
How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
Upon receipt of an OSHA Form 4327-LB2 (Version 12/2016), with location, wattage, type, height above floor, name of requester, department, GS#, and gender identity, an answer will be available in 4-6 weeks. All emergent requests should be faxed on OSHA Form 4327E-LB7 (Version 3/2015) to the lightbulb integrity officer in your division. For assistance in properly filling out and submitting these forms, refer to GSA pamphlet 5563L (Rev. 3/2017) Safe and Proper Lighting Maintenance in the Workplace.
Oh, and kippers. Mother Hubbard forgot kippers, until she looked in her cupboard this morning.
Kippers on toast.
Oh, that’s what they were!
While in England, I was traveling with an Australian gentleman. I am not a fish eater, so lots of new foods introduced by my companion made me turn slightly green. I did manage to enjoy “fish & chips” but the “tuna steak” sent me running to the ladies. The Marmite was enough to swear of eating for several days. That has to be the nastiest stuff I have ever put in my mouth in my life. The only reason the English and Aussies like it is because their mothers forced fed them the stuff as babies.
Good question, great example. In general, pure government is probably better than contracting with private sector entities to do the same chore. It dilutes accountability while misunderstanding why private sectors with time do things better.
Rather than decentralizing to national companies with lobbying clout, government programs that can’t be killed, (always the preferred position) in most cases should be decentralized to local government.
Similarly, mixed systems where the state plays the role of correcting for presumed market failures tend to institutionalize the temporary problems they are meant to fix. Pure market solutions are always to be preferred except for pure public goods.
The private sector does most things better than government because the temporarily optimum outcomes emerge from trial and error within a competitive price system. Private sector errors, failures, distortions are quickly eliminated because the system gets instant feedback and learns or fails and others learn from the failure.