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Gassy Bovines and Bob the Dog
Damned cows. As I drive by their pastures, I like the way they look—all bucolic and innocent as you please. But they’re out there farting like crazy. Even worse, they’re emitting methane as they fart. In fact, each cow on the planet produces about 40 gallons of methane each day, methane that wafts up and blocks heat from escaping into space. Forty gallons! Each cow! Think about that.
Science to the rescue. At the University of California, scientists have been feeding seaweed to cows to see if it reduces the amount of methane when cows fart, burp, and poop. So far they’ve been able to reduce methane gasses within these bovine emissions by 30 percent. Is this a great world or what?
Unfortunately, we humans vastly outnumber cows (by about 6 billion), so we greatly outproduce bovines in methane production. So naturally, food production engineers are working to introduce seaweed into human diets. In fact, Kellogg’s has already introduced a variety of seaweed into Special K cereal, and General Mills has mixed seaweed into their recipe for Toaster Strudels. In the near future, food companies plan to add seaweed to Pop Tarts, Gold Medal baking flour, and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I like to think that even Kim Kardashian, whose life has been drifting along without much of a purpose, will now help save the planet by producing less methane.
Postscript One. The first two paragraphs are based on a news story. The third paragraph is a complete invention. But you probably knew that. I wouldn’t put it past the scientists, however. When there’s a planet to save, you have to break a few eggs, rotten I assume. Thus far, only the Japanese, inscrutable as always, eat seaweed, and they use it to wrap up their sushi. Eew, I know, right? (I’d rather not hear from you sushi lovers out there, with your sophisticated palates and all. I think you’re faking it.)
Postscript Two. Obviously, almost the entire weight of the humor of this piece rests on multiple uses of the word “fart,” one use of “poop,” and a one “belch”— a kind of humor appreciated largely by pre-adolescent males and a few Ricochet peeps who will remain nameless for now. You know who you are.
Another Postscript. Marie the wife, so deliciously Rubenesque in form, so modestly endowed in intellect, totally disavows any connection with this essay, including her relationship with its author. In fact, she says that if I post it, she will secretly introduce kitty hair into my vegetarian lasagna.
Yet another: Listen, I know this post is no great shakes and is unlikely to garner many Likes, so I’m adding a photo of Bob the dog with his new toy to shamelessly troll for a few additional Likes. In Madison Avenue lingo, the Bob photo is a value-added item.
Believe it or not, I’ve actually reviewed a couple of articles for a journal on strategies and products for reducing GHG production of farm animals because of regulations the EU were proposing. Crazy Europeans.
My goodness, that’s quite a few significant figures.
It’s that “STP” part (standard temperature & pressure) that I think some are missing, because volume can measure all fluids, including gases.
And we’re talking about cows and gasses released to the atmosphere, so it’s not going to be enough deviation from STP to make that much of a difference. No cryogenics involved.
Though thinking of cryogenics and how it relates to cow farts has me laughing.
I like the challenge of finding a new low.
Still on the subject of seaweed…
My 4yr just shoveled the rest of his dinner into his mouth that he has been refusing to eat (it is rotisserie chicken) so he could get a piece of seaweed before his sister finished it all.
Kids are weird.
It is mainstream. Buy it at Costco.