Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
Gassy Bovines and Bob the Dog
Damned cows. As I drive by their pastures, I like the way they look—all bucolic and innocent as you please. But they’re out there farting like crazy. Even worse, they’re emitting methane as they fart. In fact, each cow on the planet produces about 40 gallons of methane each day, methane that wafts up and blocks heat from escaping into space. Forty gallons! Each cow! Think about that.
Science to the rescue. At the University of California, scientists have been feeding seaweed to cows to see if it reduces the amount of methane when cows fart, burp, and poop. So far they’ve been able to reduce methane gasses within these bovine emissions by 30 percent. Is this a great world or what?
Unfortunately, we humans vastly outnumber cows (by about 6 billion), so we greatly outproduce bovines in methane production. So naturally, food production engineers are working to introduce seaweed into human diets. In fact, Kellogg’s has already introduced a variety of seaweed into Special K cereal, and General Mills has mixed seaweed into their recipe for Toaster Strudels. In the near future, food companies plan to add seaweed to Pop Tarts, Gold Medal baking flour, and Ben and Jerry’s ice cream. I like to think that even Kim Kardashian, whose life has been drifting along without much of a purpose, will now help save the planet by producing less methane.
Postscript One. The first two paragraphs are based on a news story. The third paragraph is a complete invention. But you probably knew that. I wouldn’t put it past the scientists, however. When there’s a planet to save, you have to break a few eggs, rotten I assume. Thus far, only the Japanese, inscrutable as always, eat seaweed, and they use it to wrap up their sushi. Eew, I know, right? (I’d rather not hear from you sushi lovers out there, with your sophisticated palates and all. I think you’re faking it.)
Postscript Two. Obviously, almost the entire weight of the humor of this piece rests on multiple uses of the word “fart,” one use of “poop,” and a one “belch”— a kind of humor appreciated largely by pre-adolescent males and a few Ricochet peeps who will remain nameless for now. You know who you are.
Another Postscript. Marie the wife, so deliciously Rubenesque in form, so modestly endowed in intellect, totally disavows any connection with this essay, including her relationship with its author. In fact, she says that if I post it, she will secretly introduce kitty hair into my vegetarian lasagna.
Yet another: Listen, I know this post is no great shakes and is unlikely to garner many Likes, so I’m adding a photo of Bob the dog with his new toy to shamelessly troll for a few additional Likes. In Madison Avenue lingo, the Bob photo is a value-added item.
My goodness, Mrs Cat, a stream-of-consciousness rant that would make James Joyce proud. And just as cryptic.
I was about to say: Only the Apostle Paul does a better run-on sentence.
Try reading Shakespeare.
Methane breaks down in 12 years in the atmosphere. No reason to worry about it then. Of course all of global warming is a hoax anyway.
That is a wonderful picture of Bob. Love it.
A great ending to a very humorous article. :-)
I didn’t really care about the cows. I was just waiting for the Bob story. But the picture is great too. You know what they say about pictures and 10.000 words. I’ll take the picture any day.
I guess you are safe if Kent Forrester and the scientists at the University of Cal Berkeley bent do not know where you live. If they do know, you might be eating a lot of seaweed.
I was hoping someone would mention this. Carrageenan, which is derived from Irish Moss seaweed (of which I have harvested tons in my life) is used in almost everything. It’s in ice-cream, yogurt, cheese, salad-dressing, low-fat and processed meats (where it improves texture and helps to bind), sauces (thickener), beer (clarifier), as a non-animal based substitute for gelatin, and in most milk and dairy product substitutes. It’s in shampoo, cosmetics, toothpaste, and a lot of personal products, as well as deodorants and deodorizers. It’s used to thicken cough syrup and other medicines, and also in various preparations for bronchitis and other ailments.
A family of fisherman I knew in my misspent youth kept a saucepan on the stove with several strands of Irish Moss gently bubbling away in it. Every day, they would dip a comb in it and run it through their hair. They had the thickest, and strongest heads of hair I’ve ever seen in a family of men. (The father was in his 70’s when I knew them, and the oldest sons were in their 50s).
You may think the third paragraph of the OP is a pleasing fiction, @kentforrester; actually it’s spot on. Not Fake News at all.
She, I was counting on not having a reader who knew as much about seaweed as you obviously do. You’ve harvested tons of Irish Moss seaweed? Were you an Asian farmer in your previous life? Uh oh, is Irish Moss seaweed harvested by Irishwoman? Darn, I’m beginning to be sorry I ever raised the subject of seaweed. All I knew is that Japanese sometimes wrapped their sushi in it. I thought I was doing well to know that.
Poor cows- they can’t help the fact that they are ruminant animals, and they get abused like this. Chik-Fil-A should start a new campaign.
And cows actually perform a great public service, because they digest lignin, which requires the complicated double stomach system to accomplish. If these scientists were truly patriotic, they would knock off the seaweed stuff and breed more and more cows, feeding them all ground woodchips with their hay, and capture the methane for use in natural gas turbines.
Duane, I’ve actually seen cows with methane-capturing containers strapped to their backs, with a tube of some kind leading from their anuses to the container.
I like farting. I usually giggle, too. I like to squeeze the cheese. I like to float the air biscuit. I like to break wind. Choose your euphemism.
There. I said it.
Quite lowbrow of you, Metalheaddoc. But with your alias, I should have expected a taste for pre-adolescent humor. (You know way too many euphemisms for breaking wind, though you missed tushy trails.)
Bob is so darling. I love everything you post that has Bob in it. Now, on a more serious note. Ben and Jerry give huge $$$$ to the Dems, so you will never catch me buying their ice cream.
Goldwasterwoman, I agree. Although I don’t usually let politics influence my purchasing decisions, I make a few exceptions to this rule. Ben and Jerry’s is one of them. Now Nikes.
See, that’s the danger of posting online, especially among those of us who unfairly hide our real identities. How were you to know that “Miss PEI Seaweed Queen of 1971” is one of your most dedicated readers? (Not really the seaweed queen. I made that part up. Wasn’t lying about being a dedicated reader though. Note to self: How do I know if you really are Kent Forrester? What if you’re really Bob the Dog, and you’re just identifying as this Forrester character to throw us off the scent?)
Back in the day (early 70’s) this is how it was done on the North Shore of Prince Edward Island. Horse. Cart. Pitchforks. Usually after a strong storm off the sea washed the stuff up onto the beach, inches, if not feet, thick:
It was a source of supplementary income for many, and an unreliable main source of income for some unlucky or unhappy souls.
Taking the horses and carts onto the beach isn’t allowed any more, and I’m not sure how it’s harvested these days.
Forty gallons of methane/per cow/per day? At what temperature? One thousand degrees Fahrenheit? If this noxious gassiness passes for thinking, I pronounce it stinking.
Sheila, my source claims that cows produce about 40 gallons of methane a day. Since methane is a gas, I’m not sure what that means. But that’s what my source claims. Google it yourself. No reason to get testy.
I’m just impressed that that horse is drinking sea water! Blechhh!
Not mentioned in P 1 or 2, are the anticipated side affects of how massive consumption of seaweed by bovines will affect their flavor when humans consume them. “You are what you eat” has significant truth. I recall eating lamb in the Dominican, where the island’s natural ground cover is oregano. The lamb was naturally infused with the delicate herb, which when combined with their open fire BBQ’s resulted in the finest meat I may have ever eaten. I would suspect that seaweed fed bovines might start to have a “fishy” characteristic. Hmmm. The unintended consequences of well intended actions (and hopefully never implemented policies.)
I’ll stay with my grass fed cows thank you!
Once again University Ricochet comes through to increase our collective knowledge by the individual members sharing their particular knowledge on many subjects!
She, I’m sure you could have been the Seaweed Queen if the contest hadn’t been rigged to favor lefties.
I know, Mrs. Tabby. It surprises me, too—and sometimes intimidates. I was using seaweed as a springboard for a bit of humor, and here comes all these seaweed experts out of the woodwork. How was I to know that Mrs. She would know how seaweed was harvested in Prince Edward Island?
Gallon is a liquid measure. that’s why I said those cows are sharting, not farting.
That’s the way it seems to me too. But every source I’ve seen has measured methane produced by cow farts in gallons.
There are 3.78541 liters in a gallon. So 40 gallons is 151.4 liters. 1 liter is .001 cubic meters, so it’s 0.1514 cubic meters of methane. Or about 5 cubic feet of methane. At STP.
So how is Bob on methane production? Are you monitoring him?
Morning, Phil and Ken et.all: Maybe the Bovine Flatulence Science Experts don’t understand the whole liquid to gas temperature thing? It’s a comfort to know we are in such good hands.
Above average.
That’s the problem, isn’t it? We’ve got to assume standard temperature and pressure (unless you were talking about the Stone Temple Pilots, Swords to Plowshares, or Scott T. Persons) for that number to make sense, but how can we unless they say so?