Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
A Note to Ariane Bourdain, Bea Spade, and Kids of Suicide
This morning we woke up to learn another daughter would grow up without her father, and my heart goes out to Ariane Bourdain and Bea Spade on the worst week of their lives.
Since my New York Post piece about my father’s suicide ran this week, I’ve been asked on camera and privately about how to help the children of those who commit suicide.
I have a few thoughts I’d like to share about what I would tell these young girls and those like them; what they should take to heart in the coming days, weeks, months and years.
First: This. Sucks. What happened is profoundly sad and deeply unfair. You shouldn’t have to go through something like this, not in your teens, not in your twenties, not ever.
Keep in mind these two things: What your parent did was not logical, but it’s okay to be angry. The thing about being the one still here is you can feel however you want; you can be angry, you can be sad, you can even feel relief that they are no longer suffering and that you aren’t burdened by that suffering anymore. There’s a lot of stuff to unpack after an event like this, and no matter what you’re feeling, it is valid.
Find yourself a therapist, now, to help you unpack this stuff. Find yourself friends in this awful club who get you, who understand what it’s like to lose a parent, and ideally, who understand what it’s like to lose a parent in this way.
In the coming weeks and months, people are going to expect you to go back to normal. But here’s the thing: normal no longer exists. There is no such thing as normal anymore. Find your new normal, and know that one day it might even feel normal again, but it won’t be in weeks or months. It will take years.
Your grades or your work are going to suffer. You’re going to feel lost in a cloud and unable to focus. Everyone expects you to go back to normal, and you need to let them know that you’re not there yet. Tell them you’re having a hard time and ask them to help make your load easier.
In the coming years, you’re going to hit tough moments again. This pain is going to lessen over time, but some things are going to trigger some of it back in a wave. Your wedding and the births of your kid(s) are going to be bittersweet. Figure out a way to include them in your day, and take a moment out of your wedding day to just let yourself be sad that they aren’t there. Put them in the program, use their favorite song at the reception, pack a picture or a memento in your birth bag.
When suicide is in the news, like it has been this week, it’s okay to shut everything off. It’s even okay to ask someone to shut the television off if you’re waiting somewhere and it’s on, and it’s okay to ask to change the subject at the water cooler or with friends. Know your triggers and know your limits, and know that it’s okay to ask for people around you to respect them.
This is my greatest hope for you: that you never understand why your parent did this. They were in a very dark, very irrational place, and I pray, and your parent does too, that you never understand that kind of darkness. My greatest wish for you is that this event defines you in just one way: as a survivor. I hope you survive this, and that you take to heart just how precious life is, and you make the most out of it. In so doing, you will honor your parent’s life in the most meaningful way possible.
Published in General
Thank you, Bethany. I am so sorry, and thank you. Prayers for all of the survivors of suicide.
Amen. God’s peace be with you, Bethany.
Thank you, Bethany.
I guess my wife would qualify as a survivor. The father figure in her life, her grandfather, took his life when she was 13. Then just a couple years ago her aunt took her life.
My wife is the strongest woman I’ve ever met. We’ve both seen mental illness up close and personal and there’s really no way a rational mind can understand the motivation. It hurts to see any report of someone who decided the end of their dark tunnel is suicide.
Beautiful and comforting words for anyone facing loss, but especially a loss related to suicide.
I’m sorry that you have first hand experience, but thank you for sharing.
Your Suicide Survivor piece in the Post is outstanding. Thank you for the link.
I had a darling sister who killed herself thirty years ago, and I still feel guilt today. Why? Because I, and everyone I’ve ever talked to who experienced this horrible tragedy in their own family, wonder why we didn’t realize how deeply troubled they were and try to help before it was too late even though we know we didn’t cause it. Despite the fact that I was in a really bad place for at least two years after her death, I somehow managed to crawl out of it and get on with living and enjoying life, a process no one could help me with other than having a loving family and friends. It’s made me a better friend and family member as I’m always sensitive to depression in others and unafraid to ask what’s wrong. Children of suicides, I’m convinced, are mentally messed up forever without a solid family foundation behind them. Therapy helps only slightly.
Thank you for your honest sharing in both the Post story and here – it made me well up with tears – yes – a terrible week. We all keep saying so much more needs to be done about mental illness, depression, etc. These tragic stories are seeming to be more frequent. Your strength and advice Bethany will help many – God bless.
Thank you, Bethany. I’ve shared your POST piece with my Peer Support team, just in case.
Pain+Love+Time=wisdom. I wish you didn’t have to have as much of it as you do.