Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
Bring Back Charm School
It’s time for a weekend break from politics. So today in “A Weekend Break from Politics,” I propose to lobby for the return of Charm School.
I’m not sure when the idea of charm school, or finishing school, went out of fashion. I’m not sure why, either: Perhaps had something to do with the idea that teaching women to be charming was sexist, or that “charm” was an oppressive, patriarchal social construct; or perhaps, as sometimes things do, it just went out of fashion.
But the consequence, I think, is that we’ve come to view charm as something like beauty: Either you’re born with it or you’re not, and if not, too bad for you.
And that’s absolutely untrue. Charm can be learned, and should be learned, because those in possession of it have easier lives. Charmed lives, in fact.
By “charm,” I mean something a bit more than good manners (although the systematic teaching of good manners, too, has sadly fallen out of favor). I mean precisely the things that once were taught in so-called charm schools: posture, voice, elocution, and physical grace.
I think “elocution lessons” disappeared when “charm school” did, and perhaps for similar reasons. This, too, is a shame, because of course elocution can be taught, and usually, it must be taught: It’s rare for it to come naturally. Most people need to be shown, explicitly, how to speak clearly and charmingly, how to control their inflection, pace, pitch, voice resonance, and facial expressions.
And of course people with good elocution have an advantage over those who don’t. If, as I suspect, elocution lessons fell into disfavor because they suggested the existence of a class structure in American society — a truth about our society that we didn’t like — we certainly didn’t rectify this problem by getting rid of elocution lessons. We just ensured that people who weren’t born at the top of the hierarchy would be deprived of the tools they needed to navigate it.
By charm, I stress, I don’t mean beauty, fashion, or grooming. These are separate things. (How many times have you seen an interview with a spectacularly beautiful fashion model who, the moment she opens her mouth, makes you reach for the mute button?)
Charm is charm, but it isn’t magic. It’s not, as some believe — because they haven’t been taught otherwise — mysterious or ineffable.
Or yes, perhaps some aspects of it are, but others aren’t. The elements of charm can be broken down, studied, learned, and made habit.
And they should be. I daily see men and women making life so much harder for themselves through lack of charm. I see sullen body language that invites the rest of the world to respond in sullen kind. I hear voices that I shouldn’t hear, period: If you’re speaking so loudly in a restaurant that people who aren’t at your table can understand what you’re saying, you’re speaking too loudly. I hear voices that set my teeth on edge: In men, high-pitched or nasal voices — or monotone, sullen, and grunting voices; in women, voices marred by upspeak and vocal fry. I hear verbal tics that are guaranteed to annoy — “likes,” “and, uhs.” These people are making life harder for themselves: They’re creating a zone of irritation around them.
But the good news is that all of this can be fixed — and fixed easily! Most of it can even be fixed in a single lesson, after which it’s just a matter of conscious practice for a week or two. Then it becomes a habit.
I reckon it’s now even more important to teach these things to our youngfolk. So many of their social interactions are now conducted online that they really have no chance of acquiring these skills by osmosis.
I thus propose to bring back Charm School.
“Charm school” was, I think, reserved for women, but the same principles apply to men. A high-pitched voice, a hesitant voice, a squeaky voice — all of these things are handicaps. Men and women need to be taught how to make their voices warm, gentle, and animated. Posture, too, should be taught, as should walking gracefully. (Life is so much easier for people with good posture. This is unfair, of course. Good posture is not the same thing as good character. But it’s true.)
So that’s my weekend proposal.
What lessons would you include in charm school?
And how would you go about bringing it back?
Published in General
Yeah, the “Charm School in Joliet” from Lincoln Park Pirates. We stayed in Joliet on the way to Hillsdale in 2010, had a nice dinner, and didn’t think the town was that bad.
And I went to see Steve Goodman multiple times, in Seattle and Minneapolis. Sadly, he died in Seattle at Fred Hutch. He is missed.
As long as you keep rewarding nasty behaviour (by men or women) with the corner office it’s an arguable point of view.
Depends on where one is in the city. It is fairly sizable, moreso since I left more than half a lifetime ago. I know they have done quite a bit of development with having the casino in town. But at the time Steve Goodman was alive, the East Side of Joliet where the prison was got to be a bit dodgy. If you remember the scene in The Blues Brothers, they used to let the now ex-cons out and there might be someone waiting for them, or they might just settle in town. So, there were some mighty special spots over on the east side.
Neither do I. Earlier someone commented on how helpful theatre training can be, and I agree with that, to a point, but only to a point. There is a profound difference between speaking lines that someone else wrote and which you know ahead of time and can rehearse, and coming up with your own lines on the spot! The first I can do, the second, not really. I can’t sing at all, so you have one on me there :)
Yes we do! Here is my daughter at age 12 or so. I don’t think it took though. A couple of months ago, she texted me a picture of her new pierced nose. I tried, God knows I tried.
That was about the time that etiquette started to be seen as “only for snobs.” More misplaced egalitarianism from the Left.
It started going down hill once dueling was outlawed. When every comment and gesture could lead to death, people were very careful of their manners and politeness.
But vocal fry is an affectation that you have to try to do on purpose, and it can damage the vocal cords. I’d think singers would avoid it.
“Somebody’s boring me. I think it’s me.” — Dylan Thomas
It depends on the organization and the industry, of course, maybe also the geography…but I’ve known quite a few people with corner offices (highly successful startup CEO, venture capital managing partner, Fortune 50 CEO, etc) who are by no means nasty people and who one might say even possess a fair amount of charm.
I have too. I think the problem arises when they tell women they have to act like men to succeed. Not just men, but unpleasant men (which is to say, feminists’ idea of men). As someone once said, if women want to act like men, why can’t they act like nice men?
What a charming young lady!!
Don’t sweat the nose ring – I feel in my bones that she’ll be ladylike about it.
Or if you want to exert your influence, from the Daily Mail:
Isn’t that the picture of gentility?
There are plenty of genteel dirtbags, Zafar. Sleazier than Slick Willie at an intern reunion, but cultured, well-mannered, and well-groomed. This is deportment, not ethics.
Thank you! I knew there was a way I could like this!
Usually the CEO is a gracious guy. The vice presidents are another matter.
The key though is not just giving people examples — “See, she’s charming, and she isn’t.” That makes it seem like something magic. Something people just are or aren’t. The key is breaking it down: Hillary needs voice lessons, for example; and especially needs to learn how to laugh in a way that doesn’t make people’s skin crawl. If she were really willing to invest the time, both could be learned. Margaret Thatcher invested a lot of time at the beginning of her political career in voice lessons, and was roundly mocked for it, but it obviously paid off — she was the last one laughing. Ivanka, among other things, has the posture and the walk of a fashion model, which she was: That’s not natural; fashion models are taught to do that. I honestly can’t recall her voice — which is a good thing. I’m sure I’ve heard it. The fact that I don’t remember it means she probably wasn’t speaking the way I’d expect someone who looks like her to speak, which is to say with a nasal voice full of upspeak. (Fashion models of her age from New York tend to have appalling voices. They don’t bother teaching them to speak because usually, their job is to be quiet. If you compare the posture and the voice of the typical fashion model, it pretty much proves my point that these things are taught and learned, not natural gifts.)
You crack me up. Why am I picturing you in the Puffy Shirt right now?
Interesting. I tend to pause in the middle of sentences, searching for a word or name I can’t remember, or sometimes just trying to formulate a way to explain the thought running through my mind. People I’m talking to will sometimes try to jump in and guess the next word, which I find to be kind of distracting and rude, but in any case I figured they were trying to be helpful. It hadn’t occurred to me that the pauses might actually make them uncomfortable.
When do people shake hands in daily life? It’s not something I encounter much outside of the Sign of Peace at Mass.
I suspect that’s right, and I suspect the time of “charm school” marked a particularly aspirational period in American life: If I’m right, charm school peaked in the 50s and maybe the early 60s (again, I’d really love to know the history of this institution). This was a time when people believed — for good reason — that there was a lot of upward social mobility in America, and thus that it made sense to focus on acquiring the skills of the class one aspired to enter.
What’s interesting now is that the upper class, the so-called one percent, is not notable for its charm. I mean, for example, Bill Gates is without doubt a very successful man and a magnificent philanthropist, but he still speaks and carries himself like an awkward, nerdy teenager. So that’s probably part of the decline of charm school, too: The rise and revenge of the nerds. There’s no longer any reason to think that these are skills you must acquire to enter the upper-middle or the upper class; in fact, if you deliberately imitate those classes, you’ll probably lose charm.
Really? I do a lot of handshaking — but I guess I tend to meet a lot of new people. Also, France is very, very big on handshaking; people tend to begin the work day with a round of it, even if everyone knows each other.
Favorite Southern manners lesson: A military friend from Illinois, stationed for a while in Alabama, and I went in search of a particular item. Like the Yankees we were, we looked in the yellow pages, planned a route, and raced off in her car to the first store on our list.
The shop owner greeted us from up on a ladder. ” Do you have such-and- such a thing”, I asked. “No”, she said, “but I’ll be down in a moment”.
Right at that moment we realized there would be no rushing from shop to shop. We must wait, be introduced to everyone else in the store, share a little family history and a few pleasantries, and only then say our goodbyes before heading out to the next stop on our quest.
I think sending Trump to charm school would diminish his popularity and electability. He resonates with many voters for his perceived “authenticity” which comes in large part from the way he speaks, acts, and presents himself.
There’s an obsession with authenticity in American culture dating at least as far back as Holden Caulfield’s obsession with “phonies” in The Catcher in the Rye. I think a large segment of the American population would view charm school as a place where you learn to be a phony, and view acting charming as “putting on airs.” Instead you should “just be yourself” — whatever that means.
That’s true. It was my first experience of women shaking hands, even girls my own age (17 at the time). In fact, I’m trying to think who it was who taught me how to do firm handshake, and I think it was my French teacher. At the time, the practice among women was unknown in the U.S.
Really? That just seems weird to me. In California/Silicon Valley culture a formal greeting is a nod followed by “hey” or “what’s up?”
No one ever taught me how to do a firm handshake, at least not that I can recall. I’m probably one of those men who makes y’all feel icky…
Haha I’m sure not.
Eek! Shopping at the mall this afternoon, I was getting annoyed at the number of clerks coming up asking if I needed help. “No thank you, just browsing” I kept saying, hoping they would go away and leave me to peruse the merchandise in peace.
If I had to put up with what you just described I’d do all of my shopping online.
Russian movies portraying contemporary culture from the 60s-80s showed a lot of handshaking of this type, but mostly among men. I gather that in those days a man didn’t extend a hand to a woman, but the woman could initiate a handshake. But in more recent movies a man might initiate a handshake with a woman, but usually (not always) it’s a bit of a faux pas. The reaction is usually very understated. I’ve read tourist guides that say it’s still not the right thing to do.
All of this discussion of firm handshakes reminded me of this Pink Floyd lyric:
Again I think there’s an element that rose to prominence in the counterculture of the 60’s and 70’s that views charm with suspicion, as artificial, as a set of tools used to mislead, manipulate, and control people.