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Bring Back Charm School
It’s time for a weekend break from politics. So today in “A Weekend Break from Politics,” I propose to lobby for the return of Charm School.
I’m not sure when the idea of charm school, or finishing school, went out of fashion. I’m not sure why, either: Perhaps had something to do with the idea that teaching women to be charming was sexist, or that “charm” was an oppressive, patriarchal social construct; or perhaps, as sometimes things do, it just went out of fashion.
But the consequence, I think, is that we’ve come to view charm as something like beauty: Either you’re born with it or you’re not, and if not, too bad for you.
And that’s absolutely untrue. Charm can be learned, and should be learned, because those in possession of it have easier lives. Charmed lives, in fact.
By “charm,” I mean something a bit more than good manners (although the systematic teaching of good manners, too, has sadly fallen out of favor). I mean precisely the things that once were taught in so-called charm schools: posture, voice, elocution, and physical grace.
I think “elocution lessons” disappeared when “charm school” did, and perhaps for similar reasons. This, too, is a shame, because of course elocution can be taught, and usually, it must be taught: It’s rare for it to come naturally. Most people need to be shown, explicitly, how to speak clearly and charmingly, how to control their inflection, pace, pitch, voice resonance, and facial expressions.
And of course people with good elocution have an advantage over those who don’t. If, as I suspect, elocution lessons fell into disfavor because they suggested the existence of a class structure in American society — a truth about our society that we didn’t like — we certainly didn’t rectify this problem by getting rid of elocution lessons. We just ensured that people who weren’t born at the top of the hierarchy would be deprived of the tools they needed to navigate it.
By charm, I stress, I don’t mean beauty, fashion, or grooming. These are separate things. (How many times have you seen an interview with a spectacularly beautiful fashion model who, the moment she opens her mouth, makes you reach for the mute button?)
Charm is charm, but it isn’t magic. It’s not, as some believe — because they haven’t been taught otherwise — mysterious or ineffable.
Or yes, perhaps some aspects of it are, but others aren’t. The elements of charm can be broken down, studied, learned, and made habit.
And they should be. I daily see men and women making life so much harder for themselves through lack of charm. I see sullen body language that invites the rest of the world to respond in sullen kind. I hear voices that I shouldn’t hear, period: If you’re speaking so loudly in a restaurant that people who aren’t at your table can understand what you’re saying, you’re speaking too loudly. I hear voices that set my teeth on edge: In men, high-pitched or nasal voices — or monotone, sullen, and grunting voices; in women, voices marred by upspeak and vocal fry. I hear verbal tics that are guaranteed to annoy — “likes,” “and, uhs.” These people are making life harder for themselves: They’re creating a zone of irritation around them.
But the good news is that all of this can be fixed — and fixed easily! Most of it can even be fixed in a single lesson, after which it’s just a matter of conscious practice for a week or two. Then it becomes a habit.
I reckon it’s now even more important to teach these things to our youngfolk. So many of their social interactions are now conducted online that they really have no chance of acquiring these skills by osmosis.
I thus propose to bring back Charm School.
“Charm school” was, I think, reserved for women, but the same principles apply to men. A high-pitched voice, a hesitant voice, a squeaky voice — all of these things are handicaps. Men and women need to be taught how to make their voices warm, gentle, and animated. Posture, too, should be taught, as should walking gracefully. (Life is so much easier for people with good posture. This is unfair, of course. Good posture is not the same thing as good character. But it’s true.)
So that’s my weekend proposal.
What lessons would you include in charm school?
And how would you go about bringing it back?
Published in General
Another legacy of the 60’s madness.
Someone did an interview with a women who had a chain of charm schools, it might have been Peter Robinson, or even Russ Roberts at econ talk. I’ll try to find it. Apparently it really works for making people more successful with self, family and work. Watching the generation of my Colombian nephews rise in every business they entered faster than their American peers I concluded some of it was from the natural charm taught from the earliest age. My father in- and brother in law after standing in line with strangers would know all about them by the time they got to the front of the line. It was genuine interest in and comfort with people. Colombian kids who enter a room greet each adult with a hand shake, or kiss one at a time. They’re used to talking to adults and are comfortable around them. All I’m talking about hailed from Cali, who are the happiest friendliest people I’ve ever known. Filipinos were similarly warm and friendly and their kids interact with adults in a similar fashion. Both seem always to be or appear to be sincerely interested in other people. Part of it is, of course, that historically, in their small clique of governing elite it always paid to be polite and to get to know all potentially useful people. But the habit spills over into casual non prudential contacts and more broadly into those two cultures and probably can be learned then turned into habit.
I remember hearing it, but can’t find it either. I think it was The American School of Protocol.
We still have one here.
And of course there’s this.
The death of charm school? You may be right. I spent the morning searching the Internet for clues about why this tradition died, but couldn’t find any. Perhaps @jameslileks would know? It seems the sort of thing he’d know about.
Wait wait wait!
It’s not dead: just google charm school Atlanta.
You guys are still into it!
Edit: not that you need it of course, but I suppose it never hurts to brush up. (See what I did there?)
The problem was that teaching elocution to any non-white was deemed racist. Then, once you could not teach elocution to non-whites, teaching elocution to whites became racist as exclusionary.
Younger son was married a couple of years ago. It was clear that his pals had no clue about the traditions that surround a traditional wedding. They needed training in how to greet the wedding guests, how to serve as ushers, how to tie a necktie, etc. When I remarked on how little they knew, Snooks remarked that there are so few weddings anymore that the old traditions are dying.
I don’t think we can preserve our culture with charm school, but it would help.
Charm school is elitist, racist and patriarchal.
There is nothing politically correct about charm school. I think this is ironic, because charm school used to teach how to be sensitive and sympathetic to people from other cultures, ethnicities and social classes. Charm school used to teach how to stifle insensitive remarks and how to use proper euphemisms in order to avoid embarrassing anyone. Charm school used to teach social graces that help all sorts of interpersonal interactions.
Charm school would be horrified at our daily aggressions. Charm school frowned upon sit-ins, so it had to go. Charm school was part of the old ways of western civilization.
Its demise must be a Progressive Plot!
If some people are going to have the advantage of attending “charm school”, then it has to be available to everyone. So could we get the equivalent of “community charm college”?
Yes the interview was with a woman in Atlanta that went national. This might be her.
Probably it ended during WWII when women had to replace the men in our factories. No leftist plot, just a piece of culture we lost and is coming back because it’s valuable.
I grew up in the country so no charm school, but our parents and our grandparents taught us how to act. We learned how to be polite to others and respect our elders. Around here we call it raisin’. You either had it or you didn’t. Now almost now one has it.
the rhine in spine…
Your business place has mandatory workshops on how to do this, taught by wannabe social justice warriors. Forty years ago it was called “sensitivity training.” I knew liberals who said they’d never go into the teaching profession because then they’d have to take these. But now there is no escaping them.
Yet another reason to avoid going to war, if at all possible.
Charm school isn’t just for women, but it likely doesn’t go under that name. I recall hearing that a very well-regarded scientific researcher who the powers that be thought would be a great leader was sent some place to give him the skills to better get along with people and persuade them rather than have a “Sheldon Cooper”-isk manner. This, however, is a more mid career “finishing” rather than providing basic skills for achieving a better position and place in life.
The importance of a good handshake, especially for men. We had a sixth grade teacher who was obsessed with making sure we knew how important a good handshake was. I went through life not thinking about it much, until one of my friends tried to set me up with this guy: he had the weakest, most limp handshake I have ever encountered, and after that, there was no way I would go out with him. Later on, I was explaining this to a woman about 10 years younger than me, and she thought I was crazy: she said no one had ever told her that handshakes were important. But they are, and someone should explain this to young people.
Hold up Hillary Clinton as an example of what not to do, and hold up Ivanka Trump as a good example to follow. Ivanka has a beautiful speaking voice, and a wonderful demeanor: I have always been very impressed with her.
Sure seems that way. Between the 60’s ” do your own thing” mantra, feminism and radical politics had to have a negative impact.
An interesting example of a Charm School in literary form: Lord Chesterfield’s letters of advice to his son.
Professor Higgins has been driven into an assylum:
http://hollywoodlife.com/2017/02/07/who-is-danielle-peskowitz-bregoli-cash-me-outside-howbow-dah/
Oddly enough … theater.
As far as the voice goes, public speaking courses cover much of the same material. But theater covers more.
St. Ignatius of Loyola wanted theater to be taught in his schools, because it was the only extra-curricular activity that engaged the entire person – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Classic theater teaches all of the things you describe. A classically well-trained actor speaks well (and needs to speak well for practical reasons; the patrons in the back row need to hear and understand him). He has to learn to control his body, his posture, his expressions, etc. He needs to be emotionally aware of everything going on around him.
I do not think charm school is ever coming back, the closest thing is likely modeling school or something. And much of it was sexist…. but systematic teaching of courtesy, politeness, is sorely needed! Maybe they still teach this in the South?
Courtesy such as, not using certain words… when did it become a status symbol to use the “f” word? I still am terribly offended by it’s use, I know that the person using it does not respect me, and therefore it is very difficult to respect them. Using degrading language makes political discussion impossible.
Of course, I could use some actual instruction even now. Growing up on the farm doesn’t serve me well at places like the Alfonso XIII in Seville or the King David in Jerusalem! Or at least I am unsure. After dinner when you are sitting around talking can you rest your arms on the table or not? Sigh.
Etiquette is not dead, I’m sure our state department has instruction. But we are so impolite to each other in daily life, we really should be taught young to show respect for those around us. Politeness is respect.
And I wish there was no trace of screech in my voice, ever.
Ug, I hate that! It seems like something that people should just pick up in daily life, but that makes such a bad impression, you are right.
Anything…anything to eliminate vocal fry! And while we’re at it, can we address a generational accent, possibly related to the Valley Girls of the ’80s, that exaggerates vowels beyond the normal range (“friend” becomes “frand,” for example)?
These traits are usually combined, making some young women almost impossible for this Boomer chick to listen to. I’ve ditched podcasts that were probably otherwise worthwhile because I couldn’t stand to listen to the voices.
Americans are obsessed with being “cool.” Charming isn’t cool. So I don’t see any sort of mass embrace of charm.
That said, I think we could all use a little more charm in our lives.
I’ve long said the concept of “cool” is a disastrous cultural phenomenon. Life is warm.
Is it too late to send Gianforte? Or Trump?