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Milo and Me
This is my third try to write this.
My grandfather, among others, abused me sexually. Both of my parents covered up. They even went so far as to tell me I was making it up and when I fought them, they dug in deeper and deeper.
This wasn’t the only thing in my life about which they gaslighted me. And, I mean, I can give you examples if situations that are seriously as blatant as scenes in the movie.
And it almost worked. Until they did it to my husband. And then they did it in front of witnesses.
But, I made it my mission to protect my kids. I never wanted them to experience what I had.
I made a mistake. I let my mother into their lives. We parted ways when my oldest was 15. But it was already too late.
Gaslighters are also splitters. They set people up to compete with one another for the affection of the abuser. I had lived through that against my brother all my life. Once I broke from my mother and decided it would never happen again, it was too late. My mother had already begun the process with my daughters. I thought I had saved them.
But then, I gave her the perfect chance. I walked away from her. And she could then, with little or no fight, split them from me. And she did.
I recently ran across my oldest daughter’s blog. I couldn’t believe it. the things she wrote seemed almost familiar but with sinister twists. Suddenly, every simple evening of laughter over dinner or games was an example of abuse. Sneaking into the only bathroom in the house with five people and only one bath to use the toilet while she was in the shower was me abusing her, and every time she had come in while I was in the shower was me dragging her in.
Suddenly, an innocent but risque photoshoot my daughter did with me as her model (I do not like pictures of myself) was a reverse porn set with me forcing her to take pics that would make Hustler’s publisher blush. I actually went back and looked at the pics and realized i was dressed the whole time. She was 18 at the time. A comment mocking her mock singing was degrading her because of her voice. Teaching her how to stir a sauce was forcing her to slave in the kitchen.
And on and on it went. And it makes me cry even now just thinking about it. but, emotion is not why I am writing this. I am
You see, right now, Hillary Clinton, of all people, is claiming that every person who claims to have been abused must be heard and believed. That would have been great if it had happened when I was a child but, all the people rushing to crucify me over my daughter’s claims well, they honestly think they are defending a victim.
Now, having experienced both sides of this, with the healthy dose of gaslighting tossed in, I can say things that people who have never experienced any of this may not understand. And I hope you never do.
Actual victims cope in many ways. Some become outrageous to protect themselves. Think about what a great comic genius Robin Williams was. If you ever read his biography, you’ll find that his comedy has very, very dark roots. Most creative people, entertaining people have similar stories. And this is their coping mechanism.
Actual victims often say things in ways that are misunderstood by people who don’t have the same experiences. My mother found out about my first abuse when I was 13 and flippantly, at Thanksgiving, asked to join her and her sister in giggling at a Playgirl. I told them if I saw something I’d never seen before I’d shoot it. I had turned 13 six weeks earlier. I thought I was funny. And grown up.
Actual victims tend to go one of two ways. They either become abusers themselves, in which case, they are almost always quiet, mild-mannered guys next door. They don’t like publicity. Or they become very staunch and very vocal about their own lives and about crusading to protect others.
I don’t know Milo. I have never met him, probably never will. I’m a nobody who tried to protect her children only to lose them because I didn’t do it well enough. I am a woman who wishes she could be a grandmother while at the same time looks at her children and is, in a very frightening way, glad it may never happen.
Having been the kid that everyone accused when things happened (I’ll tell you about a band trip to Pizza Hut, if you ask), the one thing I cannot stand is something that is unjust. I will fight for the ugliest criminal if you accuse him of something you can’t prove. I just started watching Once Upon a Time, having never seen any of the first episodes and my favorite character from the start was Rumplestilskin.
I thought about being a lawyer. But I knew I could never calmly walk away with an unjust verdict and say, “That’s how it goes” I knew I’d end up spending life in prison from a series of contempt charges. When my family tried counseling (that ended after the therapist thought it was a good idea and also funny for my younger daughter to be seeing my mother behind my back), I asked the guy, “Why do you think I don’t like that my kids are vegetarians?”
I said, “You have known me for three years. Mr Psychologist Ph.D., tell em why I don’t like it?”
‘Well, is your mother a vegetarian and you hate your mother.”
“Nope. My mother thinks it is hilarious to make vegetable soup for them with beef broth and trick them into eating it. She tells the story to her friends while laughing that they never knew the difference.”
‘Well, do you not want to cook vegetarian, cause you don’t know how?’
“Nope. There is nothing I love more than a new cooking challenge. I have, literally, a wall full of cookbooks. If there’s something I don’t know how to cook, I won’t stop till I learn it.” At that point I had already purchased a dozen vegetarian cookbooks (print) and many more for my Kindle. Ask my husband about the weekend I decided and was determined I would learn to make Macarons (not coconut Macaroons, French Macarons).
“Is it because you’re worried about their health and nutrition?” (I am chronically anemic and medically require red meat and salt beyond the Surgeon General’s average recommendations.)
“Nope. I have done a good deal of reading on how to make up for those deficiencies and bought books for them on the subject.”
He gave up. And I finally told him. Because their reason for becoming vegetarian was unjust. They had fallen for the PETA propaganda. My youngest had actually shown me a photograph of cows on a flatbed. She told me they had been left there by a heartless farmer to starve. A) I recognized the photo as part of the cleanup after the freak spring snow that had frozen thousands in a few hours. B) Who would invest in that many cows and just leave them to starve when cows are sold on the hoof by the pound? And C) when cows are starving, they do not climb their enormously fat selves onto a flatbed truck and neatly lie down on top of one another to die.
Their reasons for veganism were unjust. If they simply preferred to eat veggies and didn’t call me a murderer, I wouldn’t care.
So, taking all of this into account, I tend to be far less reactionary to the cause du jour or the outrage du jour. Even when it is seemingly a very loud, impolite, camp, flaming homosexual from another country and culture in an edited video who seems to sound like he might be endorsing pedophilia. Especially when I know he himself was a victim and I know he himself has been personally involved in at least four actual pederasts being exposed.
Pardon me if I don’t participate in the tar and feather ceremonies and I do wait to hear the unedited footage and, perhaps, the circumstances surrounding the comments and maybe even the backstory.
Because when a 13-year-old thinks she’s being funny, you may or may not know what she means.
Published in General
Yes. I listened to the Takei interview. I didn’t know the extent of Milo’s past till this hit job but I always got the feeling he was a highly intelligent, but damaged person. Despite his excesses, I don’t see a predator beneath his peroxide locks.
My wife’s biological mother has some of these issues (mixed in with some bulimia/anorexia). My Father in law divorced her when my wife was still in diapers and re-married a sane woman. Got sole custody too. No small achievement back then. Still though, there are some emotional scars.
I’ve shared this before about Milo but it grips me so. I’ve never been a big fan of his, even though I have always been amazed by his courage and conviction. What strikes me the most is that it always seemed so obvious to me that he was deeply wounded by someone or something. He’s always appeared to me like an injured animal, trapped in a corner, lashing out erratically at anyone or anything that comes near it. I hope he finds real people of grace and strength to surround himself with and finds healing. We need a better society though. We need a society that doesn’t lift up and consume people like this. We have moved on from “rubber-necking” at traffic accidents to get a glimpse of a body to seeking out such morbid curiosity on a daily basis on social media. What ever happened to seeking out beauty?
A good defence of Milo, he deserves it.
@karonadams regarding your (i think you said elder?) daughter rejecting you and accusing you of abuse (BTW, if walking in on people in the bathroom is abuse I am one of history’s greatest monsters). Is this kind of false accusation/exaggeration a common phenomenon? The situation seems contingent on your mother’s behavior, but I’m curious if you (since you seem to be a researcher at heart) or anyone else in the rico-universe have looked into this kind of thing as a larger problem.
I’ll take my answer off the air.
I didn’t think you were. But sometimes others know what you’ve been through and hurt for you because it happened to you, too.
in today’s society, it very much is. you see it mostly in the 20 somethings on college campuses. they manifest in the many SJWs popping up. I happen to know that about 1/20 girls are actually sexually molested before reaching age of consent. when I was in college I was training to be an Interpreter for the deaf and in a deaf psyche class, I realized what should be obvious, among deaf girls the number is 1 in 5. who are they going to tell? especially in the 80’s?
I talked my earlier mentioned best friend into joining me in interpreter training. she now specializes in abuse recovery among deaf & hard of hearing.
back to false accusations. it is the psychological issue du jour. claiming victimhood. when I was a kid, the ‘in’ thing was anorexia/bulemia. and the country suffered a surge in those issues. some were real, some were for attention.
but, there is fame in being a victim today. to, the numbers of ‘rape victims’ and ‘abuse victims’ among the 20 somethings is outrageously inflated by people seeking notoriety (see mattress girl)
I still wouldn’t give up hope. Your daughter has a lot of you in her, most likely your concern for justice, and something will come along that will connect with it.
I heard Christian talk radio get all outragey yesterday afternoon about Milo’s remarks.
I thought ‘good, maybe we can have a competent public conversation about post-pubescent kids rather than the usual noise whenever pedophilia is mentioned.’ If ever a Social Conservative tried to discuss these issues, the conversation was shut down by shouting from the Left.
Then this morning I heard Glen Beck criticizing something that Jonah Goldberg had written on the topic, and it was clear that Beck does not know what “ephebophilia” means. And now the Squishes on the Right have shut down the conversation.
Beck’s not the only one.
I have not looked up what Jonah G. wrote that was the source, but it left me steamed that Glenn Beck would trash Jonah for something when he obviously did not understand the entire meaning of the paragraph.
Jonah G. may in fact be deserving of criticism (he very often is), but I thought G. Beck had delivered a pretty low-quality broadcast on account of being too lazy to open an online dictionary.
Ephebophilia is the sexual attraction to kids who have recently gone through puberty, so a sexual attraction to 14- and 15- year-old kids. All those supposedly “pedophile priests”? Only one or two were pedophiles, the rest were after older kids, primarily because they had circumstances in which the kids were helpless. The same happens with teachers and all sorts of other people, but those cases got a lot of attention, but even with all the media attention (Leftist mass media thoroughly enjoyed bashing the Catholic Church), the distinction was never made.
This is important if we are ever going to explain just why SoCons object to protected venues that provide opportunities for “cruising,” such as have been alleged in the context of PFLAG meetings, for example. It seemed like a long-overdue honest conversation might be possible if Milo were to open the topic.
Your story is one of the saddest I have ever heard.
Truly,as a mother, and as a daughter, my heart breaks for you. I so much hope you will be delivered from this torture. Miracles can happen. Courage!
So, I don’t know if anyone else has made this point, but if you’re young, male, and coming of age in the middle of a nasty recession, the financial security of entering into a relationship with an older male can be very tempting, and for some people it’s a matter of survival. I’m fortunate enough to have avoided that fate, but I’ve known others who were not.
Mind you, this is all post-adulthood, but I can imagine something similar happening to teenagers. From what I can tell, something similar did happen to Milo, and he said a bunch of stupid stuff to rationalize it.
The term “sugar daddy” didn’t spring from nowhere.