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Milo and Me
This is my third try to write this.
My grandfather, among others, abused me sexually. Both of my parents covered up. They even went so far as to tell me I was making it up and when I fought them, they dug in deeper and deeper.
This wasn’t the only thing in my life about which they gaslighted me. And, I mean, I can give you examples if situations that are seriously as blatant as scenes in the movie.
And it almost worked. Until they did it to my husband. And then they did it in front of witnesses.
But, I made it my mission to protect my kids. I never wanted them to experience what I had.
I made a mistake. I let my mother into their lives. We parted ways when my oldest was 15. But it was already too late.
Gaslighters are also splitters. They set people up to compete with one another for the affection of the abuser. I had lived through that against my brother all my life. Once I broke from my mother and decided it would never happen again, it was too late. My mother had already begun the process with my daughters. I thought I had saved them.
But then, I gave her the perfect chance. I walked away from her. And she could then, with little or no fight, split them from me. And she did.
I recently ran across my oldest daughter’s blog. I couldn’t believe it. the things she wrote seemed almost familiar but with sinister twists. Suddenly, every simple evening of laughter over dinner or games was an example of abuse. Sneaking into the only bathroom in the house with five people and only one bath to use the toilet while she was in the shower was me abusing her, and every time she had come in while I was in the shower was me dragging her in.
Suddenly, an innocent but risque photoshoot my daughter did with me as her model (I do not like pictures of myself) was a reverse porn set with me forcing her to take pics that would make Hustler’s publisher blush. I actually went back and looked at the pics and realized i was dressed the whole time. She was 18 at the time. A comment mocking her mock singing was degrading her because of her voice. Teaching her how to stir a sauce was forcing her to slave in the kitchen.
And on and on it went. And it makes me cry even now just thinking about it. but, emotion is not why I am writing this. I am
You see, right now, Hillary Clinton, of all people, is claiming that every person who claims to have been abused must be heard and believed. That would have been great if it had happened when I was a child but, all the people rushing to crucify me over my daughter’s claims well, they honestly think they are defending a victim.
Now, having experienced both sides of this, with the healthy dose of gaslighting tossed in, I can say things that people who have never experienced any of this may not understand. And I hope you never do.
Actual victims cope in many ways. Some become outrageous to protect themselves. Think about what a great comic genius Robin Williams was. If you ever read his biography, you’ll find that his comedy has very, very dark roots. Most creative people, entertaining people have similar stories. And this is their coping mechanism.
Actual victims often say things in ways that are misunderstood by people who don’t have the same experiences. My mother found out about my first abuse when I was 13 and flippantly, at Thanksgiving, asked to join her and her sister in giggling at a Playgirl. I told them if I saw something I’d never seen before I’d shoot it. I had turned 13 six weeks earlier. I thought I was funny. And grown up.
Actual victims tend to go one of two ways. They either become abusers themselves, in which case, they are almost always quiet, mild-mannered guys next door. They don’t like publicity. Or they become very staunch and very vocal about their own lives and about crusading to protect others.
I don’t know Milo. I have never met him, probably never will. I’m a nobody who tried to protect her children only to lose them because I didn’t do it well enough. I am a woman who wishes she could be a grandmother while at the same time looks at her children and is, in a very frightening way, glad it may never happen.
Having been the kid that everyone accused when things happened (I’ll tell you about a band trip to Pizza Hut, if you ask), the one thing I cannot stand is something that is unjust. I will fight for the ugliest criminal if you accuse him of something you can’t prove. I just started watching Once Upon a Time, having never seen any of the first episodes and my favorite character from the start was Rumplestilskin.
I thought about being a lawyer. But I knew I could never calmly walk away with an unjust verdict and say, “That’s how it goes” I knew I’d end up spending life in prison from a series of contempt charges. When my family tried counseling (that ended after the therapist thought it was a good idea and also funny for my younger daughter to be seeing my mother behind my back), I asked the guy, “Why do you think I don’t like that my kids are vegetarians?”
I said, “You have known me for three years. Mr Psychologist Ph.D., tell em why I don’t like it?”
‘Well, is your mother a vegetarian and you hate your mother.”
“Nope. My mother thinks it is hilarious to make vegetable soup for them with beef broth and trick them into eating it. She tells the story to her friends while laughing that they never knew the difference.”
‘Well, do you not want to cook vegetarian, cause you don’t know how?’
“Nope. There is nothing I love more than a new cooking challenge. I have, literally, a wall full of cookbooks. If there’s something I don’t know how to cook, I won’t stop till I learn it.” At that point I had already purchased a dozen vegetarian cookbooks (print) and many more for my Kindle. Ask my husband about the weekend I decided and was determined I would learn to make Macarons (not coconut Macaroons, French Macarons).
“Is it because you’re worried about their health and nutrition?” (I am chronically anemic and medically require red meat and salt beyond the Surgeon General’s average recommendations.)
“Nope. I have done a good deal of reading on how to make up for those deficiencies and bought books for them on the subject.”
He gave up. And I finally told him. Because their reason for becoming vegetarian was unjust. They had fallen for the PETA propaganda. My youngest had actually shown me a photograph of cows on a flatbed. She told me they had been left there by a heartless farmer to starve. A) I recognized the photo as part of the cleanup after the freak spring snow that had frozen thousands in a few hours. B) Who would invest in that many cows and just leave them to starve when cows are sold on the hoof by the pound? And C) when cows are starving, they do not climb their enormously fat selves onto a flatbed truck and neatly lie down on top of one another to die.
Their reasons for veganism were unjust. If they simply preferred to eat veggies and didn’t call me a murderer, I wouldn’t care.
So, taking all of this into account, I tend to be far less reactionary to the cause du jour or the outrage du jour. Even when it is seemingly a very loud, impolite, camp, flaming homosexual from another country and culture in an edited video who seems to sound like he might be endorsing pedophilia. Especially when I know he himself was a victim and I know he himself has been personally involved in at least four actual pederasts being exposed.
Pardon me if I don’t participate in the tar and feather ceremonies and I do wait to hear the unedited footage and, perhaps, the circumstances surrounding the comments and maybe even the backstory.
Because when a 13-year-old thinks she’s being funny, you may or may not know what she means.
Published in General
wow, that was a whirlwind of emotional and psychological revelation, but I applaud you for it. I haven’t lived through any of what you describe so to me it sounds almost unreal- but the key point I am right there with you on:
I will just add that I hope your daughter will soon mature enough to see what is happening to her just as you seemed to have been able to do.
Thank you for sharing this. It sounds like it was hard to write. I think it provides good insight into what I have seen with abuse cases in the past. The damage done is not something that fully heals, and it is hard to get past.
Part of me wants to ask, and part of me is reluctant…
@karonadams Believe me I can viscerally feel and understand what you wrote. I’m so sorry that you couldn’t break away from a toxic mother. The soul crushing damage a parent with what sounds like borderline personality disorder or narcissistic disorders is breathtaking and pernicious. I can only pray that you find a measure of calm, peace, strength, and fortitude to face the damage your mother has wrought. I would also like to note that your empathic willingness to hear all the facts before making an opinion is a credit to your character, remember that.
@Nymeria yes, with this and many other discussions with many other people who know much more on the topic than I, she is at least a Borderline but I hesitated to use Physche terms in writing this because they are used too often indiscriminately by people who don’t have a clue what they mean. so tossing it out would sound to some like I was doing the latter and to others would mean nothing.
Sick personality disordered folks can do a number. Moving article..
She’s at least a borderline. I know her kind of behavior well and it’s despicable. Buy your kids,”Stop Walking on Eggshells” and mark the parts on disinformation campaigns.
little bit of a tell so I posted it separately for you
@Nymeria my best friend, who I met in Atlanta when i was pregnant is a Master’s level therapist. for the first three years, I babysat her daughter with my oldest. they were 5 weeks apart. after I read my daughter’s accusations, I called her and asked her if it was true, if I was so crazy I had actually done these things. and she made a good point.
SHE was outside looking in. SHE is a Master’s Level therapist, her mother a PhD. SHE had left HER infant daughter in MY care, every day for three years. SHE would never have done that if she had ever detected anything abusive or even suggesting of abuse.
that gives me more comfort than anything.
AHAHA! My daughter has it. she uses it to explain her accusations against me.
Oh Karon, I ache for you. Abusers, of
Thank you but that was absolutely not the point of this post.
Ever try to type one handed on a Kindle?
Sorry I wasn’t trying to divert the thread. You have given me and others a lot to think about. But the ache is there. you have taken what happened and learned a lesson. Now you are kind enough to pass it on. Thanks.
no worries. and yes, but not on a kindle.
oh. my goodness. I challenge someone to write a longer run on sentence. I JUST re-read that.
Epstein can talk a longer sentence.
Whoa
I do not know what to say.
Karon,
I’m so sorry for this broken hearted road you’ve had to walk, but glad you came through with a heart and spirit that is strong.
I pray healing comes to all your family, but especially your daughter, you, and your mother.
Last week at my daughter’s basketball game a girl went down with a twisted ankle. These are 3rd and 4th graders. The girl claimed she couldn’t get up so the coach asked her if she could crawl to the sideline. It was weird to watch.
Now when I was a kid, if someone was hurt the coach would put their arm around you, help lift you to your feet and then walk you back to the bench. My daughter’s coaches are all good guys, dads who freely volunteer their time. None of them seem even a little creepy or weird. The thing is, I am pretty sure that they are told by the recreation committee not to touch any of the girls in any way. So instead you have kids crawling across the court (the girl wasn’t really hurt. She was running around a few minutes later).
We have gotten to the point where people assume the worst and normal interactions between grown ups and kids has adults walking on egg shells just to avoid any wrong appearances. Predators ruin everything.
in 5th grade, I fell off a sing and he a knee full of gravel. still have a scar! the only male teacher in our school (the OTHER 5th grade teacher) came over, scooped me up and took me to the nurse’s. this was the 70’s he would be suspended at best, today.
You are 100% awesome!
I second this.
Wow. I’m not entirely unfamiliar with this myself. My mothers’ mother was a textbook emotional and physical abuser towards my mother, and it took years for my mother to recognize what had been done to her, and a lot of support from my dad for my mother to be able to pull away. Thankfully my grandmother never went so far as to interpose herself between my mother and us kids, she was never close enough to do so as my mother had by that time cut contact down to a bare minimum. At her funeral a couple of years ago my mother and her sisters were humming “Ding Dong the witch is dead” at the gravesite.
But I’ve seen this first hand too in my work life, having for a while employed someone who abused the employees under them while trying to divide the company into competing camps. Conspiracy mongering, gaslighting, and constant petty reprimands were their favored tools as they tried to spin the story that somehow I was out to get them all. Any attempts by these employees to come directly to me for help would be countered with vindictive punishments. Took me nearly 2 years to get my partners to see the damage wrought and get that person out of the company.
I’ve seen it elsewhere besides – people who sow division in their wakes and turn people against each other. Pure poison.
I think, perhaps, I didn’t quite get across part of what I was trying to say. I’m not very good at this. I’m not asking for sympathy. I don’t need it. nothing against you guys, and ‘thank you all for the support’ but, you don’t know me and, frankly, while the emotion is appreciated, it really doesn’t help anyone. what I was trying to say is, there are things we do, things we say ways we say things, that to someone who has never been there sounds completely different to those who have.
If you heard the milo story and you heard the almost identical Takei story, you might wonder why both men, victims, sound the same way. this…is….how….we…cope…. we take the worst moments in our lives and find SOMETHING about it we can use.
Understood.
I had a small insight into the world with my ex-wife and her mother. I thank God that we never had children, but fear for my ex and her future.
Your kids may gain some understanding as time goes on. Some of the problems that today’s families are experiencing relate as much to the media–books (including “textbooks”), news, movies, television, radio, and so on–as to life in a real family. The media has seized upon the abuse theme as a surefire way to make money. People are naturally competitive, and people get a certain high from being righteous, and the media producers know this and extol the abuse themes for all they’re worth. Kids compare their parents to television parents, not real-life parents.
Some day they may thank you for the things you did not do as much as for the things you did do.
Just as an example, my parents were very critical of us kids (typical for their generation’s parents). It was pretty much constant. It really did a number on our self-confidence. I didn’t want to do that to my kids, so I followed the good advice in my child development books, and I praised the positive and ignored the negative. It worked. But I never told them I was doing this because if I had, they would have thought I was thinking critically of them, just not saying it. So we never talked about this, about my parents or about me as a parent.
To my surprise, the last time my thirtysomething daughter visited, she said, “You never criticized us. I just realized that the other day.” :)
As I understand it, at least part of your point is that people should be allowed to talk these things out and ponder them without being excoriated for musings? I’m not certain what you mean by coping, as I have been fortunate never to have experienced such abuse.
that an the fact that being able to laugh at or draw a positive lesson from one’s abuse experience is NOT condoning abuse against others, it is simply coping. it is also the fact that, while I hate the idea of sectionalizing people, “You can’t understand cause you never experienced’ kind of crap but, the fact is, someone who has experienced this hears these comments the way they were intended. unlike someone who hasn’t experienced it.
it’s one of those ‘you know it when you hear it’ recognition things. be glad you don’t’get’ how Milo or even George Takei were speaking (in almost identical stories that took place 50 years apart they are so universal), but don’t take their accounts of their victimization as endorsements of the abusers or any abusers that may come along to other young men in the future.
this was not condoning anything, it was merely telling, learning, and trying desperately to explain, in a socially acceptable way. it’s how abuse victims do locker room talk.