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Group Writing, Gratitude: In the Beginning
I was born a Jew—barely. My folks had escaped the burdens of family demands in Massachusetts when I was four years old, and struck out for new adventures in California. At that point, they had pretty much abandoned formal Jewish practice. I have memories of a Christmas tree in the house one year; mom said we had to choose between the tree and Hanukah—eight presents won out … going to synagogue on Yom Kippur and having the highlight be my father, deeply asleep, flying out of his seat when the rabbi spoke about the “text” (my father’s nickname was Tex) … putting up blue and white streamers and Jewish stars for Hanukah … making a minimal attempt at a seder, ensuring that dinner wasn’t too late … and studying Hebrew, which I enjoyed as an opportunity to learn a new language. It was all quaint and interesting. And I lived distant from any spiritual connection, not even knowing that something was missing.
Then opportunities to reconnect to Judaism showed up, except I didn’t notice them. In my junior year of college I had the opportunity to study abroad. I considered Germany, since I had studied German for many years. Then I noticed Israel had been added to the program a year before. Now that sounded like an adventure. I almost married an American-Israeli soldier. But I backed out. He was a sweet man, but I was too far from home and too young to make that commitment. I was intrigued by Israel, and loved it, but not enough to leave my friends and family. Still it was a great cultural experience … only a cultural experience. Another opportunity to re-connect to Judaism drifted away.
Then I married a gentile. He was perfectly happy with my practicing any way I wished, and even participated and helped me prepare. Instead of taking advantage of this opportunity to go deeper, I had no idea that there was something deeper to explore. After a couple of attempts at creating a minimal seder and a Hanukah (where we indulged in opening all our gifts in one night, at my insistence), I lost interest … and lost one more opportunity to reconnect to my faith.
Finally I discovered Zen Buddhism. Ironically Buddhism doesn’t address the question of G-d’s existence, but the more I meditated, the more I felt G-d in my life. So I did re-discover G-d, but not my Jewish heritage, except in name only.
I even joined a Los Angeles Jewish contemplative organization. But it was a long drive, so I only drove to be with them once a month — not often enough to make a personal connection with the other participants. I was still an outsider, disconnected from my Jewish roots. One more opportunity missed.
But then my Buddhist practice fell apart. My teacher and I split up; I felt resentment and anger towards the larger Buddhist community for publicly embracing a Leftist agenda. I felt alone, not recognizing all the unrealized possibilities for a Jewish connection. Except that I still had my meditation practice, and I still sensed G-d in my life.
And then I discovered Ricochet. My first original posts were on being a Conservative Buddhist . (I had separated from the larger community, but still experienced value in the tenets of Buddhism.) At some point I must have mentioned my Jewish background in an post, and it was then that I began to realize the possibilities. Other Jews, serious Jews, and even Christians, gently encouraged me to explore what it meant to be a Jew. In particular, iWe told me about his book, which was a turning point for me. When I became overwhelmed at the prospect of embracing Jewish orthodoxy, he pointed out that it was up to me to find my own “arc,” at my own speed, in my own way. Another turning point was to be invited by the iWe family for Passover; iWe, Mrs. iWe, and their children engaged me in this unique celebration of freedom with joy, laughter, and warmth. It felt like a homecoming, as if G-d, Judaism, and the iWe family were welcoming me back.
And with the encouragement of my Ricochet friends and others, I’ve never looked back.
As I look at my past, I can’t help feeling a sadness and regret for the choices I made and the chances I’ve missed over the years to re-connect with G-d and my faith. And yet in this moment I am filled with hope, humility, love and gratitude.
Edit: I know that some of you have seen parts of this story previously, but I have filled in many details and wanted to emphasize gratitude. And of course, I hope those of you new to Ricochet will see what a wonderful collection of people we have.
Always deep gratitude.
Published in Group WritingBy insisting on the absolute difference between heaven and earth—the distance the builders of Babel sought to abolish—the Torah allows us to see ourselves as we really are, infinitesimal, fallible and frail, yet touched by the wings of infinity.”
— Jonathan Sacks, Covenant and Conversation; Genesis the Book of Beginning
This was beautiful Susan. I think its hard for some to understand needing religious faith along with Buddhism, but that is the tradition. Many ancient Zoroastrians, Muslims, and Jewish tribes maintained belief in their God while exercising their Buddhist tenets to deal with daily life.
I shared with another member here during Yom Kippur leaving my abusive family at 16 and being taken in by my best friend and his Orthodox Jewish family. I have a deep respect for Judaism and the strong familial kinship central to the faith.
Good luck to you on your continuing journey. It sounds like a great one.
Thanks, JLocked. I very appreciate your comments and good wishes!
Susan, you are an inspiration.
Thank you.
I am intrigued by my dental hygienist. How about that for a sentence ?
Anyway, she is tiny, about 4 feet 6 and black. She had an interesting accent when she took over my dental care and I asked her about it. She said, “Guess!” I guessed east Africa, maybe Eritrea, and she said, “Close.”
She is an Ethiopian Jew who was rescued with her family by the Israelis and she grew up in Israel. I go to get my teeth cleaned every four months and we have conversations about Judaism and about being black in America.
Very interesting woman. She is married to a white Jewish man and they visit Israel every year. She has told me about the hate stares she gets from black women when she is out with her husband.
Watching from afar, this has been interesting. This is one of the great stories of the Ricochet community.
There was no waste. Chances were not squandered. You were someone else then and had to grow into who you are today. Think of all the things you gained by missing those opportunities. Your husband? The self-knowledge you gained on your path? The ability to recognize that your roots are important, but only after you had stretched your wings? You are on the sacred path. What does it matter that it is a path for one? The same is true of the path used by everyone else.
That is a great story–I wondered where you were going with that first sentence! ;-) I’d love to be in on those conversations!
What a sweet, generous comment, Arahant. I am deeply touched. And I do know the truth of what you say. Thank you.
What a lovely story.
One of the many things I appreciate about growing older is that I can look back at certain aspects of my life and see patterns emerging. I don’t always see them as I’m living them–sometimes I feel as though I’m just bouncing along from one thing to the next–but with time and perspective, and what the Romantic poets called, in another context, “recollection in tranquility,” I can sometimes see purpose and form surfacing from what seemed like chaos or aimlessness at the time. And sometimes, what seems like a completely unconnected event is the catalyst that snaps everything together.
I’m glad you joined Ricochet and I’m glad things snapped together. Please stick around.
A great contribution, Susan. Thank you! I had previously had notions from bits and pieces you had posted, but seeing it all in one place makes me feel like I know you better. More testimony to the value this community holds for many of us–may it survive the election.
For others reading this: do you think you might have something to say about Gratitude this month? If so, consider signing up for a day in Group Writing in November, as Gratitude is our topic and we have open slots.
Lovely, Susan. Thank you.
I am honored and flattered by this. Thank you so much. Our whole family has been uplifted by the opportunity to spend time with you!
Thank you, She. The way you describe your life experience is so true for me, too. We can only fully reflect on the journey in retrospect–at least that’s true for me, too.
A very interesting documentary showed the Jewish DNA within several African groups and others as links on the original Tribes of Israel – it was riveting.
The Tower of Babel story tells how G-d, in response to the arrogance of the people building the tower, dispersed the people and gave them different languages. We ended up in lots of places!
I love your story Susan – your life seems to have evolved the same way many of us have. My Christian roots never hit home until later in life. Anyone growing up in the radical 60’s-70-‘s etc. were bombarded with liberalism and anything unorthodox, especially in matters of faith – and for many Americans, the Eastern religions. God waits for each of us patiently, which is a lot of patience (on my part)! I had many missed opportunities too, but thought I had all the answers I needed. It is interesting, like you said, where we spent so much of our time, at some point it rang hollow, and there was no real spiritual foundation. This is the perfect post to put the important things into perspective during this election.
Thanks so much, FSC. I love hearing other people’s stories about coming to faith; it’s so inspiring and encouraging to me. Because of course the journey never ends. And I love that part. No matter what faith we practice, we’re on this road together, and it’s uplifting, challenging, discouraging, informative and deeply fulfilling. I think you were one of the people, early on during my transition, who encouraged me to find my way back. I thank you for that, and thanks for taking this journey with me!
oops
I doubt that those hate stares are from Ethiopians. Why are black women angry at her anyway? On average, black American women tend not to date white men while black guys are often fine with dating white girls.
People have been bitter and depressed around Ricochet lately. I’m glad you reminded us why this is such a wonderful site.
I am not sure I agree on the phrasing. There are clear patterns, but to even point them out might be problematic.