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Advice to Single Women: Marry Your Plumber
There are, according to all demographic surveys, not enough single men. From Vice:
There simply aren’t enough college-educated men to go around. For every four college-educated women in my generation, there are three college-educated men. The result? What Birger calls a “musical chairs” of the heart: As the men pair off with partners, unpartnered straight women are left with fewer and fewer options—and millions of them are eventually left with no options at all.
Wait. Let me rephrase that. There are not enough single college-educated men. Almost 35 percent more women than men graduated from college last year. Women outnumber men in law school and medical school. In the college class of 2023, women will outnumber men by 47 percent!
So where are all the men? They’re around. Just not, you know, in college. From Vice:
Among non-college-educated singles ages 22 to 29, there are 9.4 million men and 7.1 million women. And if you look at the women in that age group who are non-college-educated, something like 30 percent of the women are married but only 22 percent of the men are married.
The solution, obviously, is for more women to pair off with more non-college-educated men — for, in other words, college women to marry working class guys.
But class lines in America can be both unspoken and difficult to surmount. The number of single women in large cities who would not dream of marrying a working class man (who, perhaps, earns less) is probably large but also probably beside the point. Where, for instance, do those two classes of people mingle and meet in the supposedly “classless” America?
Have we created such an exalted position in this society for the college degree that a “mixed marriage” is unthinkable? And isn’t it possible (maybe even probable) that such a marriage might be stronger and more lasting than the two-degree kind?
Published in Education, Marriage
And there is no greater sin in America than to be insecure in yourself. Well, it’s in the top ten, anyway.
Agreed, however it may help if they realize and are frequently reminded how great their spouse thinks they are.
Did you ever see the episode of Seinfeld where George was in a really good relationship with a terrific woman, but he felt that he needed to have “hand” in the relationship, and he didn’t feel like he had it. Suffice to say, trying to get it cost him the relationship altogether. It was very funny.
Joseph – just as there are some women that will never think themselves beautiful even though their husbands tell them they are all the time, so there will also be man who never think they’re worthy of respect and admiration even if their wives tell them they are all the time.
I agree that insecurity poses a challenge, especially to a relationship taking hold in the first place. If you’re really insecure about a person’s better qualities you won’t ask them out, or will decline the invitation. I don’t know how many times as a young man I made the acquaintance of an exceptional woman and had an argument in my head to the effect of:
Right Brain: “She’s beautiful, smart, funny, and accomplished. Why would she go out with the likes of you?”
Left Brain: “Because, dumbass, every guy who isn’t an arrogant jerk is intimidated by her. One of them is going to marry her, and it will probably be somebody who asks her out.”
This argument was never resolved. On those occasions when I worked up the nerve to ask out a girl who was out of my league, which I did far more often than my friends, it was because I got to know the girl a little and figured out that there were some things she liked about me. Most of these relationships where brief, because she soon figured out that she was too good for me, but that modest hint of interest from her was sufficient to get me over the hump.
This is why I said the key was mutual admiration. In a close relationship you’re going to figure out pretty quickly if the other party respects you or not. If the admiration is one-way, the disrespected party may tolerate this lack of respect for a long time, but it’s unlikely to result in a happy relationship.
I would advise a young person looking for a serious relationship to date somebody they admire, and break it off if they’re convinced it’s a one-way street.
Agreed.
In a good marriage, esteem is reciprocal. Men wish to be admired, yes, but they also wish to admire.
You’re right, but there are two possible mechanisms as work here. One is that the insecure party is so insecure that nothing will convince them of their worth. There’s not much that can be done about that. The other is that the insecure party may be aware that talk is cheap. If behavior belies the words, the words won’t be taken seriously. If you demonstrate respect and affection with actions and attitudes, even insecure people are likely to believe you.
It seems to me, from observation, that women in professions such as medicine are treating their careers differently than a man traditionally did. The pay is good, any flexibility they can get is great, but they are in it more to support a lifestyle than for the career success itself. They marry men who are invested in their livelihood In a different way also. Someone in the building trades who manages his own business and employs others in the community may be held in higher esteem and be more sought after than the physician or attorney, regardless of income disparities. A teacher husband may make less than a professional wife, but they are equally engaged in their work, emotionally if not intellectually. So I think some of these better educated women make a partnership work by balancing their relationship in measures othe than compensation.
P.S. Contessa, None of this is to say that I don’t feel your pain. The difficulties you mention are undoubtedly very real, and I sympathize. I can’t really empathize because I dated very few women who weren’t better than me, at least on paper. I don’t really know what it’s like to be in your shoes.
Whenever one of these dating discussions come up it reinforces how fortunate I feel to be married.
I’m not necessarily saying I’m better than the guys I’ve dated. By having a good income I felt that it actually freed me up financially to date guys I might not have considered as freely if money were tight for me. I would be fine with a plumber or electrician. But those types of men are never ever interested in me. And that’s fine, but it’s not quite as easy as Rob states in the OP. Additionally, I fully realize that I’m not the easiest person to be in a relationship with, so there’s that. If it happens, it happens; if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
I think it comes down to sex. College educated females are taught modern self-actualized feminism- thus:
a) like almost all females in history (see “bad boy syndrome“) are attracted to “alpha males”- men more powerful than they are and generally richer; and/or
b) believe that in all relationships, the modern woman should be free to do what she wants to, and should not have to do what she doesn’t feel like doing. Men are loaded with testosterone, the arbiter of sex drive, and women are not. There will always be an imbalance here, especially in long term relationships. Wives who are not exceptionally sexual (all except those in the two sigma tail of the distribution) may feel passionate when emotionally tied in, when trying to get into the relationship, or when wanting to become pregnant, but otherwise may prefer everyday life- going to sleep, dinner with friends, enjoying kids, whatever- all in honest preference to “getting it on”. She can’t help natural biochemistry any more than caveman lusty husband can. Unless there is an explicit agreement right up front that sex will be treated with at least as much priority as doing dishes, there is a strong potential for mismatch.
David Mamet said to Peter Robinson in UK that guys get married because they want to capture a woman sexually (his statement involved the word “pants”). Today, a non-alpha male is likely to end up in a marriage where his needs are not considered important.
Wait, what?
Dunno, but Mamet makes really good movies.
On this topic, one could put together a chart similar to the one Jon Gabriel posted today on media narratives regarding shootings.
The “narrative” says that college-educated women may mate with certain men who work with their hands, but it depends on exactly what they do with their hands.
If they plumb, well, that involves working in dirty places with icky substances, so that’s going to be a “no”.
On the other hand (no pun intended), if they use their hands to, for example, make teak furniture – preferably in a cool loft space with at least one exposed-brick wall – then that’s going to be a definite “yes”. (Does anyone remember Aidan, one of Carrie Bradshaw’s boyfriends in Sex In The City? Er…I…I didn’t watch the show, but I might have seen bits and pieces while my wife was watching.)
A lunch date of 4 women, all females I know: a doctor who is a specialist, a college professor, an attorney, and one other whose profession I can’t remember. The one I know the best, who was the only single woman among them, told me that the other three spent most of the lunch complaining about their husbands, all of whom she knew and all who were nice guys.
Sorry Dubya, but I gotta disagree here. Women, as opposed to girls, like men who can do stuff. I’m not saying that some trades aren’t sexier than others, but if your high-end furniture builder considers himself an “artiste” who is above getting his hands dirty around the house, most women will prefer the plumber.
Help me out here ladies. I need this one. I live by Red Green’s motto, “If women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy.”
I that’s a thing women do, regardless of how great their husbands are. I hate it. I can’t stand women that talk smack about their husbands to other people. Or the women that use the “he’s such a dumbass, but I love him anyway” routine. I think it’s really important that spouses only speak well and proudly of each other in public.
Yes, women like men that are competent. Competence is a big turn on for me. If you’re hair is thinning but you can run your own cable, you just got infinitely sexier. And for me, if a guy doesn’t know how to shoot a gun, forget it.
Chuck Enfield: I don’t like men who refuse to get their hands dirty. My husband doesn’t earn a living through manual labor, but he did install our kitchen, and he does a lot of carpentry in his free time. So yes, you are right. :)
I will add, though, that my husband is both handsome and handy :)
I agree, but it’s a very rare thing. Some guys apparently think it makes them more manly or cool or something to complain to their buddies about what a drag their wife is. And it’s a rarity to hear a woman say something complimentary about her husband behind his back. There’s something a little messed up with our culture when it’s cool to run down your spouse and it’s considered sappy to praise them.
I fully agree, and one of the joys of my life is bragging about Rubber Duckie.
Duane- I really hope that is the nickname for your wife and not an actual yellow duck that you have some strange love for.
Chuck, I don’t really think we’re in disagreement. My comment was an ironic take on the media narrative and its impact on societal norms. A gal should want a guy who can do stuff, and many do, but in the younger generations, that kind of guy is becoming more rare. Back in the day, college-educated guys knew how to change their car’s oil, and they did it. Today, many dudes don’t know the difference between a Phillips and a regular screwdriver, much less know how to change the oil. And they would say, why bother with that messy job when there’s Jiffy Lube?
It’s worth noting that some women don’t care if their guy can do stuff, as long as he makes enough money to pay other guys to do stuff.
Vicryl: “Yes, women like men that are competent. Competence is a big turn on for me. If you’re hair is thinning but you can run your own cable, you just got infinitely sexier. And for me, if a guy don’t know how to shoot a gun, forget it.”
True story: I met my wife at a summer share house I was running (at a time when my hair was beginning to thin, by the way). All the gals were running their hair dryers at the same time, getting ready for a night on the town. A circuit breaker was tripped. I went in the basement and flipped it back. My wife later said that was the moment she became interested in me.
Fast forward 27 years. This weekend, I’m pulling the drive shaft off her little, vintage Italian sports car in order to rebuild it. She chose wisely, if I do say so myself.
Did I mention that I’m a balding, telecommunications professional with an infantry background? How do you feel about middle-aged, overweight, and mild OCD? If that works for you I may have to leave my wife.
I laughed so hard when I saw this.
I, for one, am not dissuaded to learn a man has no college degree. In fact, I am more inclined to think that person works hard, is well-rounded in intelligence, wise and knows what it means to build something (despite what our president and Elizabeth Warren think).
And, agreed, VC: Yes, women like men that are competent. Competence is a big turn on for me. If you’re hair is thinning but you can run your own cable, you just got infinitely sexier. And for me, if a guy don’t know how to shoot a gun, forget it.
Agreed.
I went with a guy for years and would have married him in a heartbeat if he had asked me. He did not have a college degree but was a statilite engineer for HP. He could do just about anything, was well read, world traveled, an intelligent man curious about our world and what made it tick.