The Highly Baffling Mystery of the Garland Shootings

 

Hostess-Twinkies-boxI’m as perplexed as you must be:

Two gunmen have been shot dead after opening fire outside a conference on cartoons of the Prophet Muhammad in a suburb of Dallas, US police say.

They drove to the Curtis Culwell Center in Garland as the event was ending, and began shooting at a security officer before being killed by police.

The bomb squad has been called in to search their vehicle for explosives.

The event, organised by a group critical of Islam, included a contest for drawings of the Prophet.

Security had been high around the centre because of the controversial nature of the event, which included Dutch anti-Islamic politician Geert Wilders as one of the keynote speakers.

But Garland Police Department spokesman Joe Harn said there had been no credible threats in advance, and it was not immediately clear if the shootings were related to the event.

I applaud Mr. Harn’s open-mindedness and unwillingness to rush to judgment. After all, there are so many other obvious reasons two men might be inspired to attack this event. Here are my top ten theories:

1) They were sore that Pamela unfriended them on Facebook.

2) Someone in the audience stole their parking space.

3) When they said, “Stop eating your popcorn so loudly, it’s ruining the exhibition for me,” they meant it.

4) They were in love with Jodie Foster.

5) That’s what too many Twinkies will do to you, everyone knows that.

6) Pacquiao was robbed, man.

7) Yet another out-of-control iPhone-v-Android feud.

8) That’ll show Geert that you can’t go through the express lane with more than 20 items in Texas!

9) They told Geller to stop playing “Hotel California,” but would she listen?

10) Geert should have known better than to mess with their Dungeons & Dragons character.

All equally plausible, right? We’ll just have to wait for the results of the investigation, I guess, but in the meantime, what’s your theory?

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  1. Fake John Galt Coolidge
    Fake John Galt
    @FakeJohnJaneGalt

    So has Obama and friends found a YouTube video to blame this on yet?

    • #61
  2. J. D. Fitzpatrick Member
    J. D. Fitzpatrick
    @JDFitzpatrick

    PsychLynne:Given their status as maginalized persons in our society, they have likely experienced a lifetime of discrimination and oppression. Their “otherness” has been held against them, resulting in internalized self-disgust that sadly was turned on their oppressors. Their attempts to find the identity and acceptance our society rigidly withheld from them has led to a cry for help, a response in the only way their limited options in our cruel society left them. It is a tragedy, but the greater tragedy would be that we do not see our role, if not fault, in this.

    Solving these type of complex societal problems involves a mix of nationally sponsored and administered programs focused on acceptance of all races and ethnicities without judgement. In addition, investment in programs with a proven track record of success such as Head Start and bi-lingual education would begin to address the “otherness” that likely characterized their upbringing.

    This tragedy could have been averted had the officers been trained to deal with these men in a respectful and honoring way, chatting with them to understand and hear their problems. And, of course, if guns were not available, if never would have happened at all.

    It’s good to see all those hours of professional development bearing fruit, PL.

    • #62
  3. Claire Berlinski Member
    Claire Berlinski
    @Claire

    Has anyone, anywhere, seen a photo of the cartoons in question? Or have they succeeded in censoring them without any aid from our government?

    • #63
  4. Podkayne of Israel Inactive
    Podkayne of Israel
    @PodkayneofIsrael

    Excellent, Mike! Cannot “Like” enough.

    • #64
  5. Eric Hines Inactive
    Eric Hines
    @EricHines

    This tragedy could have been averted had the officers been trained to deal with these men in a respectful and honoring way….

    The tragedy was averted, and the men were dealt with most respectfully: both kills were clean, with minimal suffering.  A righteous shoot, indeed.

    Eric Hines

    • #65
  6. Britanicus Member
    Britanicus
    @Britanicus

    Zafar:Preliminary ID of one of the suspects. (Suspects?)

    From the story you linked to :

    “We had a SWAT react team in the back that very quickly responded within seconds and helped secure the scene.”

    It’s been a little while since I’ve seen the word “SWAT” used with any sort of positive context. Looks like Texas was prepared.

    • #66
  7. Eric Hines Inactive
    Eric Hines
    @EricHines

    Claire Berlinski:Has anyone, anywhere, seen a photo of the cartoons in question? Or have they succeeded in censoring them without any aid from our government?

    Here are some, disappointingly few.  A couple of others, from the Hebdo event are reprinted here.

    Eric Hines

    • #67
  8. Quinn the Eskimo Member
    Quinn the Eskimo
    @

    Claire Berlinski:Has anyone, anywhere, seen a photo of the cartoons in question? Or have they succeeded in censoring them without any aid from our government?

    This was the winner.  I can’t objectively say it deserved to win without seeing the competition.  With that caveat, I think it’s pretty good.

    • #68
  9. Koblog Inactive
    Koblog
    @Koblog

    Claire, remember when you wrote in your shock at experiencing the Charlie Hebdo massacre:

    The assailants are as yet at liberty. I hope they’ll be dead by the time you read this. But if not: You want me too? Come get me. Because nothing short of killing me — and many more of my kind — will ever shut us up.

    And if you don’t believe that now, you’ll believe it very soon. Because there are more of us willing to die for that freedom than those of you eager to take it from us. And soon you will find out that those of us willing to die for that freedom are also much better at killing than you.

    Well, Pamela Geller didn’t shut up, instead saying, “Come and get me.” And your end statement was truer than you perhaps thought: Texans proved to be “much better at killing” than heavily armed Muslims.

    • #69
  10. Seawriter Contributor
    Seawriter
    @Seawriter

    Koblog:Well, Pamela Geller didn’t shut up, instead saying, “Come and get me.” And your end statement was truer than you perhaps thought: Texans proved to be “much better at killing” than heavily armed Muslims.

    In Texas it is “Come and Take It.” We even have a flag:

    Come and Take It

    Seawriter

    • #70
  11. Devereaux Inactive
    Devereaux
    @Devereaux

    Seawriter:

    Koblog:Well, Pamela Geller didn’t shut up, instead saying, “Come and get me.” And your end statement was truer than you perhaps thought: Texans proved to be “much better at killing” than heavily armed Muslims.

    In Texas it is “Come and Take It.” We even have a flag:

    Come and Take It

    Seawriter

    Molon Labe. I have a coin with that on it.

    • #71
  12. Seawriter Contributor
    Seawriter
    @Seawriter

    If anyone is interested in seeing the artwork entered at this show, Breitbart has them here.

    Seawriter

    • #72
  13. Quinn the Eskimo Member
    Quinn the Eskimo
    @

    Having seen them, I think I would have voted for the gay wedding cake.  That’s just my opinion.  But I can understand why they chose the winner.

    • #73
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