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The Most Menacing Time of the Year? An Annotated Guide to Troubling Christmas Music
I’ll admit it: I’m totally, hopelessly soft when it comes to Christmas. The trees, the lights, the otherwise indefensible notion that egg nog is something that should be consumed by humans rather than used to patch roofs — I go a little weak in the knees for all of it.
So it was that I found myself at home a few nights ago setting up the Christmas tree — a process that, in the Senik household, features an inadvisable mix of hard liquor and 10-foot ladders — with my iPod navigating an array of seasonal music. That’s when I noticed it: Peel away the cotton candy melodies and you will find, in the lyrics of many of our most beloved Christmas standards, a buffet of human dysfunction and malfeasance totally subversive of the ostensibly cheery holiday sentiment. As a public service (something the courts have been pretty insistent about where I’m concerned lately) I hereby provide you with a shorthand guide to some of the most troubling lyrical narratives of the Christmas season:
“Santa Baby” — Eartha Kitt runs the honeypot on Kris Kringle. Implicit in the lyrics is that this ends with a chloroformed Santa in Eartha’s living room and the sleigh in a chop shop.
“Winter Wonderland” — Two miscreants perform a horrible Frankenstein experiment on a snowman, apparently for the purposes of committing ecclesiastical fraud. Despite a lack of relevant licensure, he begins performing wedding ceremonies.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” — The jolly old man you’re leaving milk and cookies out for is running an intelligence sweep that makes the NSA look like pikers and is intent on meting out vigilante justice.
“O Tannenbaum” — Germans attempt to express guileless wonder. Despite their apparent earnestness, it is still creepy.
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” — A mutant quadruped suffers bullying, which he eventually transcends by consolidating enough power to inspire sycophancy.
“The Twelve Days of Christmas” — A couple finds themselves unable to express their love in any manner other than gifting each other domestic servants and the contents of an aviary.
“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” — An alcoholic senior citizen is brutally murdered by Father Christmas. Her family is indifferent.
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” — A dysfunctional family’s Christmas list consists primarily of firearms, demon-possessed dolls, and the parents’ earnest wish that their kids would go the hell away.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” — A small child musters no more than a shrug at the notion that his mother is conducting an affair with an aged drifter.
All in all, it makes for pretty harrowing listening. But let’s be honest — these are all still better choices than “Wonderful Christmastime”, the song that was apparently the back end of the deal Paul McCartney made with the devil in order to produce the Beatles catalog. As I write this, I’m hearing it for the second time today … and trying to figure out where I put that damn egg nog.
Published in General
Oldest daughter is getting a .38 special this year. They grow up so quickly!
Today – Randy Bish
The best moment of my honeymoon was hearing that on the drive to Charleston right before the air conditioner quit working!!!!
The mere thought of hearing that song — and I shall be forced to hear that song in some retail establishment over the course of this month — saddens me.
Token Hanukkah song, anyone?
The “Dreidel Song”, one of those cringeworthy adaptations of a Yiddish ditty, actually has a second verse:
Now, anyone who knows the game knows that you don’t automatically win when the dreidel falls over. So what else could the song be referring to…?
Bonus mention: I confess to downloading the following song before I saw the video. The transformation of demure Hasidic women to… um… well, let’s just say it’s offensive all around.
In the mall this afternoon I heard no less than 4 renditions (all nauseating) of “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…”. AAAAAHHHHHRRRRRRGGGG!
I should add too that I am humbly requesting PLEASE NO MORE MANHEIM STEAMROLLER!!!
You know that song is from 1986, right? Like, ya know, the last time people went shopping at the mall unironically?
Andy Williams…It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year. First of all, for many people it’s often the least wonderful time of the year. But the kicker is the line about “scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmases long, long ago.” Really? Ghost stories? The rest of the song is so inane that any notion that it’s discussing Dickens is preposterous.
That is a weird lyric. “Winter Wonderland” actually took on more meaning for me when I read how the lyricist, Dick Smith, was inspired by a snow covered park in 1934, when he was suffering from tuberculosis. He died the next year, so that was the last winter he ever saw.
Also to “Winter Wonderland’s” credit, it’s actually a love song, not a Christmas song, but became a Christmas song on its own merits (it seems to me). Compare that to “Last Christmas,” a CSINO (Christmas Song in Name Only).
Yes. I’ve heard that song so many times, I’ve started reading Christian meaning into it. I imagine that the one who gave George Michael’s heart away was Adam (original sin), and next Christmas, he’ll give it to someone special (Jesus).
It’s one possible interpretation.
Santa Claus is Back in Town, Elvis Presley.
Elvis’s “Santa Claus is Back in Town” is worse.
Apparently “Let It Go” from Disney’s Frozen is now a Christmas song. Just in case you weren’t already sick of it.
Also enjoy this one:
Yes, I’m twisted…
Instrumentals, too, are underrated:
I’m beyond sick of it. I’ve moved on. I’ve let it go.
neutral observer
Oldest daughter is getting a .38 special this year. They grow up so quickly!
May all her Christmases be bright, and all her groupings be tight.
That was the BEST moment of the honeymoon? I’d better get a Porsche this Christmas . . .
You didn’t get one THAT Christmas!
Let’s not forget that classic “Walking ‘Round in Women’s Underwear”! It’s sung to Winter Wonderland, and it’s another funny Christmas song . . . sorta . . .
That is a Classic! Gracias, Senora!
Perfect!
I meant a Porsche for this Christmas, after finding out the truth after all these years!
I suppose now you’re going to tell these fine folks another fabrication, like we had pizza delivery to our room in the Heart of Charleston motel for our romantic first dinner as husband and wife . . .
I grew to like that song a lot more once I learned that it’s actual intended message was, “Stuff it, Lennon.”
Troy,
You forgot “Do You Hear What I Hear” in which a well meaning but clueless (Progressive?) young boy accidentally brings about the Massacre of the Innocents. (Who do you think the “mighty king” would have been at that time? Why, Herod, of course!)
And if they ever listened to some of the back verses of the well known carols -“he rules the earth with truth and grace”, “to save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray” the anti-theocrats would be outraged. Fortunately they’re too busy partying during the holiday season and we can get away with this. As a matter of fact, wasn’t Christmas originally set during the Roman Saturnalia just for that very reason??