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The Most Menacing Time of the Year? An Annotated Guide to Troubling Christmas Music
I’ll admit it: I’m totally, hopelessly soft when it comes to Christmas. The trees, the lights, the otherwise indefensible notion that egg nog is something that should be consumed by humans rather than used to patch roofs — I go a little weak in the knees for all of it.
So it was that I found myself at home a few nights ago setting up the Christmas tree — a process that, in the Senik household, features an inadvisable mix of hard liquor and 10-foot ladders — with my iPod navigating an array of seasonal music. That’s when I noticed it: Peel away the cotton candy melodies and you will find, in the lyrics of many of our most beloved Christmas standards, a buffet of human dysfunction and malfeasance totally subversive of the ostensibly cheery holiday sentiment. As a public service (something the courts have been pretty insistent about where I’m concerned lately) I hereby provide you with a shorthand guide to some of the most troubling lyrical narratives of the Christmas season:
“Santa Baby” — Eartha Kitt runs the honeypot on Kris Kringle. Implicit in the lyrics is that this ends with a chloroformed Santa in Eartha’s living room and the sleigh in a chop shop.
“Winter Wonderland” — Two miscreants perform a horrible Frankenstein experiment on a snowman, apparently for the purposes of committing ecclesiastical fraud. Despite a lack of relevant licensure, he begins performing wedding ceremonies.
“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” — The jolly old man you’re leaving milk and cookies out for is running an intelligence sweep that makes the NSA look like pikers and is intent on meting out vigilante justice.
“O Tannenbaum” — Germans attempt to express guileless wonder. Despite their apparent earnestness, it is still creepy.
“Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” — A mutant quadruped suffers bullying, which he eventually transcends by consolidating enough power to inspire sycophancy.
“The Twelve Days of Christmas” — A couple finds themselves unable to express their love in any manner other than gifting each other domestic servants and the contents of an aviary.
“Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer” — An alcoholic senior citizen is brutally murdered by Father Christmas. Her family is indifferent.
“It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” — A dysfunctional family’s Christmas list consists primarily of firearms, demon-possessed dolls, and the parents’ earnest wish that their kids would go the hell away.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” — A small child musters no more than a shrug at the notion that his mother is conducting an affair with an aged drifter.
All in all, it makes for pretty harrowing listening. But let’s be honest — these are all still better choices than “Wonderful Christmastime”, the song that was apparently the back end of the deal Paul McCartney made with the devil in order to produce the Beatles catalog. As I write this, I’m hearing it for the second time today … and trying to figure out where I put that damn egg nog.
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Oooh oohh: let me try
“All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth”
You know what? Nevermind. Too easy.
Christmas Wrapping is a perfect Christmas song
You left out that racist song “White Christmas”.
That gets my vote for the worst. Apparently, the peoples of New York and New Jersey (essentially the same place, right?) are so addicted to noise because of the incessant traffic that they must fill the silence with Bruce Springsteen.
Xbox Live introduced me to this amusing take on candy cane pop music. I’m impressed, though his Bing Crosby is too horrible to end the song properly.
I’ll add Elvis’s “Blue Christmas” to the list. The King sounds like someone is slugging his testicles during the chorus.
I assume that Baby It’s Cold Outside has been banned from the airwaves for the line “Well, maybe just a cigarette more.” Fortunately, as the Dean Martin version wafts from every MP3-enabled device in my house and car, the airwaves have become wonderfully irrelevant to me. And when Dino does it, no matter what “it” is, it is never smarmy. Always cool.
I prefer Blue Christmas as sung by Seymore Swine & the Squeelers. Brings tears (of laughter) to my eyes every time I hear it!
Hearing “Last Christmas” makes me want to do Lenten penance and mortification on behalf of George Michael for inflicting that song on us.
Q: Which Wings album featured “Silly Love Songs?”
A: All of them.
I don’t know how she manages those cigarettes while she’s kissing. (He: Gosh your lips are delicious! She: But maybe just a cigarette more.)
It’s my impression, though, that “Say, what’s in this drink?” and “What’s the sense of hurting my pride?” are regarded as the more problematic lyrics at this point.
Thank you, Stad. I must buy that song now. I happen to like the Elvis version but my favorite cover is by Earl Thomas Conley.
Nobody can convince me that “Hang your stockings and say your prayers” isn’t a threat.
As classic Christmas songs go, there’s always this. The fact that it’s the theme song to the greatest Christmas movie ever made is a bonus.
This is a symptom of your latent homophobia.
I’m a fan of these:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=06GhXB2_XNE
Took a while for US DJs to find it and inflict it on us.
I disagree on the hippo song being so bad. My kids all belt it out in the car and it’s rather fun.
This one gets mixed reactions but has been a popular one in the UK for years. I rather like it, but not everyone does.
Have you ever heard the song being sampled by Run-DMC on that track?
I like the thread pic. Can’t tell you how many times I dropped E and danced my face off to DJ Scratchmaster Claus.
Apparently Santa Claus as a paunchy, senior citizen Lothario in red-and-white fleece with an eye for floozies really is a thing:
Now, these are songs I can definitely support!
Just about a couple of hours ago while driving and listening to the round-the-clock- Christmas song station I was thinking along similar lines. 90% of the songs they put on are secular and after a while they grate on the nerves. Christ is the reason for Christmas, why can’t it be so expressed? Oh Eartha Kit’s “Santa Baby” has to be the most obnoxious song of them all. I really, really detest that one. Not only is it purely selfish, but the sexual suggestiveness is so contrary to the season. Some of the other songs you mention aren’t so bad. “Winter Wonderland” has a really nice melody and “Rudolph” brings back childhood memories.
But I want Christ on the radio!
I love Winter Wonderland! A couple walking in the snow decides to marry. It is a sound of young people in love, planning a life together, full of joy and playfulness.
Thanks Troy, for being literal and un-poetic.
It’s way obscure, but each year this time I think of Eddie C. Campbell’s novelty Xmas version of a Junior Wells’ tune that Eddie called Santa’s Messin’ with the Kid. Because every now and again you have to take the razor out of your shoe and go up the side of Santa’s head with a beer bottle.
And if you can find the album from whence it comes (King of the Jungle), the cover art will make you will smile a smile full of Fremdschaemen all year long, although it has nothing to do with Christmas. You wonder at the combination of party chemicals involved in the conception.
With so many songs about Polar Reindeers it’s nice to hear this masterpiece about an Italian Donkey.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQrdxtWgHbE
Hilarious, Troy!
One of my favorite Christmas songs: Christmas in Prison by John Prine.
It was Cristmas in Prison, and the food was real good,
We had turkey and pistols, carved out of wood…
Excellent, very funny post.
I’m the Christmas music grump in our family. I think pretty much every Christmas song since Bing Crosby’s White Christmas is second-rate. It sets a standard that’s hard to beat.
I do like some of the great classical Christmas music (e.g., Ave Maria, The Messiah). Silent Night works too.
Other than those, they’re just too perky for me.
OK, here’s a Christmas music tip.
Early December should be all the goofy stuff. A song about 2 lost teeth or Hippos is perfectly acceptable before the 10th. As the month rolls on the songs should get more and more classic. The last week should basically be Bing Crosby all the time.
And, of course, Dads should be singing something – anything – loudly in front of their kids as often as possible. They love that.
Wait, there’s boating without alcohol?
Jimmy Buffett begs to differ. As does his Christmas album :)
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And skipsul, far be it from me to ever speak ill of the Pogues.
Just for everyone’s information, the song is Blue Christmas as sung by Porky Pig – it’s a hoot! Or maybe a squeal . . .