Knowing that things happen for a reason is of central importance to most people. Though the questions “what” and “how” yield immensely more practical answers to most problems, the human mind obsesses most over the “why.” Knowing the why grants us a feeling of control over our circumstances, even if it is often illusory. Understanding the motives behind human behavior allows us to grasp the nature of evil, and, in turn, root it out.  Unfortunately, the search for motives is often the lens through which we try to understand all hardships in life.

The planet has no shortage of ways to try and kill us. We are not safe on land, sea, or sky. The ground beneath our feet betrays us to the order of 134 earthquakes of 6.0 or higher annually.  Nearly 2,000 times a year, rivers and oceans overflow their ordinary boundaries to flood human habitats. And in the U.S. alone, more than 1,200 tornadoes descend from the sky. A planet where fire can literally rain down from above following an explosion that is best measured in megatons would seem accurately described as ‘angry.’   

Without a scientific understanding of the world, it is easy to see why so many ancient peoples ascribed agency to the phenomenon they suffered under, blaming disasters on the gods. Thankfully, science has granted us levels of understanding of the natural world that have moved us past such primitive notions. Hasn’t it?

Hours after a massive earthquake rattled Japan, environmental advocates connected the natural disaster to global warming. The president of the European Economic and Social Committee, Staffan Nilsson, issued a statement calling for solidarity in tackling the global warming problem.

 “Some islands affected by climate change have been hit,” said Nilsson. “Has not the time come to demonstrate on solidarity — not least solidarity in combating and adapting to climate change and global warming?”

“Mother Nature has again given us a sign that that is what we need to do,” he added.

No, I’m afraid that quote is not from the seventh century BC. Earthquakes are apparently no longer caused by different segments of the Earth’s crust shifting across one another, but instead by an angry goddess.

Just as Odysseus offended Poseidon by blinding his son Polyphemus, so too have our burnt offerings of fossil fuels offended the goddess Gaia. Her retribution can be seen everywhere.

Michel Jarraud, secretary-general of the World Meteorological Organization, said his agency’s annual assessment of the global climate shows how dramatically people and lands everywhere felt the impacts of extreme weather such as droughts, heat waves, floods and tropical cyclones.

“Many of the extreme events of 2013 were consistent with what we would expect as a result of human-induced climate change,” he said.

Anyone else longing for the pre-industrial revolution days when there were no extreme weather events such as droughts, heat waves, floods and tropical cyclones? Like Odysseus before us, only after the deific wrath began have we realized our error.

If only Gaia had prophets who could divine her will, and lead us towards her favor. We need a priestly caste of sorts who can read omens and convey what we must do with without questioning or doubting.

Fresh off promises from CNN boss Jeff Zucker that the channel will pursue more stories on global warming — whether their audience likes it or not — CNN anchor Carol Costello presided over a segment with two religious figures agreeing that to deny climate change is to sin against God.

But Costello did much more than just moderate the “debate,” railing against “deniers” and questioning whether they’re “reading the Bible.”

Costello introduced her two guests, an evangelical minister and global warming activist and a CNN commentator (and Catholic priest) who believes climate change is a sin.

“Can’t we just say it like it is?” she said. “Climate change deniers aren’t listening to scientists, or they’re not reading the Bible. They’re denying global warming for purely political reasons, right?”

If your version of the bible doesn’t explicitly state that it is a sin to doubt that it is bad to burn a fuel source that came into use nearly 2,000 years after the holy document was completed, then drop Al Gore a line and he will replace it with his updated translation. TRIGGER WARNING! Multiple references to Gore’s 7th Chakra exist in this version and may induce PTSD episodes in anyone who has ever seen Al Gore.

Gore’s plan for appeasing Gaia is, of course, carbon taxes, which will lead to increased human misery and death, as that’s what happens when homes cannot be affordably heated and cooled. We shouldn’t be surprised though, as human sacrifice is often the key to satiating the bloodlust of the gods.

But not all see Gaia as a cruel and capricious goddess.

Bolivia is drawing up a draft UN treaty which would give Mother Earth the same rights as humans, including the right to life, to pure water and clean air.

The South American country wants the UN to recognize the Earth as a living entity that humans have sought to ‘dominate and exploit’.

The Patriarchy is more powerful than I thought if it can so easily dominate and exploit the goddess.

It aims to establish 11 new rights for nature which include: the right to life and to exist…

Is the right to life different than the right to exist? I’m not trying to nitpick. I simply wish to understand. 

…the right to continue vital cycles and processes free from human alteration…

So how do we pull that off short of mass suicide? Or was that the plan all along? Okay, but you go first.

…the right to pure water and clean air; the right to balance; the right not to be polluted; and the right to not have cellular structure modified or genetically altered.

The treaty is part of a complete restructuring of the Bolivian legal system and has been heavily influenced by a resurgent indigenous Andean spiritual world view which puts the environment and the earth deity known as the ‘Pachamama’ at the centre of all life. 

A genetically modified earth deity sounds kind of awesome. You’re starting to lose me here, Bolivia. 

The draft of the new law states: ‘She (the Pachamama/Mother Earth) is sacred, fertile and the source of life that feeds and cares for all living beings in her womb. 

All things come full circle when you stare at the left long enough. Gaia is apparently an unwed teen mother, unready for the burdens of parenthood. Her only real option is to abort us. Liberals just want to make sure the process is safe, legal and rare.