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Columbia University Announces New Order on Campus
Warsaw Ghetto, 1941 (Wikimedia Commons)
(New York / PR Newswire) In a press conference today, Columbia University President Minouche Shafik unveiled a program to end the turmoil on her campus and protect Jewish students.
“It’s time to provide a final solution to this problem,” she announced. “Columbia University will therefore dedicate an exclusive block of residence halls that will be reserved for Jews.”
“In order to ensure the safety of our Jewish students – and indeed of our entire campus – these residence halls will be entirely enclosed by a protective wall that will be continually patrolled by university security.”
In response to a question about the expense of the wall and additional security, Ms. Shafik pointed out that “It would obviously be unfair to ask others in the Columbia community to bear expenses that are necessary to protect Jews. Therefore we will charge supplemental fees to our Jewish students, as well as to any of those who are part-Jewish, by which I mean students who have a Jewish parent or grandparent.”
“But,” she added with a smile, “no one needs to worry that Jewish students of limited means will be excluded from Columbia if they cannot afford the extra fees. Low-income Jews will be offered work-study positions scrubbing Columbia’s streets and sidewalks.”
Some reporters asked whether there would be any security services for Jewish students who had to leave the walled area in order to attend classes and campus events.
“Of course,” she replied. “When outside of the residence hall area, Jewish students will be carefully watched by our campus police to ensure their safety. In order to allow the police to easily identify Jewish students, they will be required to wear a yellow Star of David on their clothing. Incidentally, we welcome this as an opportunity to honor an ancient symbol of the Jewish people’s heritage.”
She emphasized that this will not result in discrimination against Jewish students. “Columbia University will not discriminate against anyone for any reason, including the ugliness of their noses or the impurity of their blood.”
Ms. Shafik added that the plan was developed with input from all stakeholders in the Columbia community, including some who had participated in recent anti-Zionist demonstrations. “You may recall that some demonstrators chanted ‘Go back to Poland.’ This plan represents a sort of compromise: We will not require Jews to return to Poland, but we are incorporating many elements of the traditional Jewish communities that were once found in many Polish cities.”
“Of course, there are bound to be problems as we implement this program,” added Ms. Shafik, joking about a leaked internal document in which the word “program” was embarrassingly misspelled.
Many leftist groups on campus expressed support. These included the Democratic Socialists of America, which announced that it would be replacing the word “Democratic” in its name with “National.”
Published in General
Well done.
Wow. A little too close for comfort. Nicely done.
This also reminds me of a bit from the great show “Action!” starring Jay Mohr, where he’s trying to get some Jewish diamond merchants to invest in his next movie. I think it’s in episode 2, but I couldn’t find a clip on youtube.
I clicked “like”, but I am crying not laughing.
Great. They create a target-rich environment which is also a “gun-free” zone . . .
Yep, first they came for the Jews. . .
The Babylon Bee could not have written this any better. Yes, agreeing with @mikemccarthy it chilled me as much as made me smile.
This is hilarious while at the same time frightening.
I saw that. Well done.
Final solution got me too, then I understood. Good job. I had to check to see if it was the Bee.
I think the University would see that as a feature, not a bug.
Not least because it reduces “collateral damage.”
It’s the Jews who first came for the Palestinians. They’ve killed tens of thousands of women and children. They’re actively starving a population of over 2 million.
And your source for that extraordinary claim is what? The Palestinians who slaughtered thousands of Israelis on October 7? You know: the day before the Israelis began their attack on Gaza. (Boy does that make your claim that the Jews came first risible, if not outright ridiculous.)
Sit this one out. I think you have the wrong
pogromprogram for the show that’s currently going on.That’s good, but sometimes the most succinct is best. In this case, probably “War is hell. Don’t start one.”
Nonsense. On multiple levels. And Palestinians aren’t the ones seeking shelter at American universities because Jews are coming for them.
Seek help.
Wow. Who writes this stuff? It’s a good clue that it was posted on April 1st, otherwise I might think it was totally serious. What? It wasn’t posted on April 1st? How can that be?
I remember reading when the Israelis forcefully removed their own citizens from Gaza in 2005, they left behind perfectly functional greenhouse businesses and treats for the children, which the ungrateful Gazans promptly proceeded to trash and didn’t bother to thank the Israelis for the treats. How rude! How is anyone supposed to deal with such boorish behavior?