When I was pregnant with our first son, I told Mustangman I was one and done. “I’m never doing this again!” I said with great conviction. Pregnancy was hard on me physically- 18 weeks of constant nausea, back pain, and debilitating pregnancy induced carpal tunnel that meant I could no longer perform surgeries after 26 weeks. Even holding a pen or opening a can of soda water was excruciating. My husband saw how difficult pregnancy was for me, and said “ok” in response to my vow to never have another baby.

When our son was stillborn at 33 weeks, I was frantic to get pregnant again immediately. During induction, even before he was delivered, I told my husband that I wanted to get pregnant again as soon as I could. I had no idea how much I would miss the kicks and hiccups I felt while our son was alive inside my belly. It wasn’t until his kicks had stopped that I felt an overwhelming need to feel kicks again. Four months later, I fell pregnant. The second time around, pregnancy was easier physically, but emotionally much more difficult. I simultaneously loved and hated being pregnant- I wanted it to last forever, but also wanted it to be over right away. 

We now have a super happy, lovey 9 month old. Motherhood has proven to be marked by the same desire for the current phase we were in to be over, while also never wanting it to stop. I wanted the newborn phase to pass so we could sleep, but I also loved how little and snuggly he was. I wanted the first six months to pass so he would be out of the highest risk time for SIDS and I could relax a little every time I put him down for a nap, but I wanted him to stay little and giggly forever. Now he’s crawling, saying “mama” and “dada”, eating solids, and cruising on the furniture. With this new found mobility, it’s difficult to get things done around the house. On my days off, I still take him to daycare so I can get chores and projects done unencumbered, while also feeling extremely guilty about not spending my day off with him. At night, I look forward to our son going to bed so Mustangman and I can have time to ourselves and get chores done, but I’m also sad that he’s asleep and I can’t play with him. 

Once that little life was created, I spend my days living in the tension between wanting two opposing things equally at the same time. I saw something about motherhood on Facebook that started off saying, “It’s the longest time and the shortest time.” Man, that is true.

People always say that our own children are a proxy for our relationship with God. Does He experience the same tension? Does He want two opposing things for us simultaneously? I can understand the love He has for us- that little boy is the greatest joy we’ve ever known. Does God have the same anxiousness about our choices that Mustang and I do as we think about our son’s future? God’s heart must ache as he watches us make poor choices that cause pain and damage, and He must find great joy when we do things that enrich our relationship with Him. Before our little one was born, I never knew my heart could be on outside and carried by someone else. We hope our children have some inkling of this dynamic as they get older. We can only hope that they guard our hearts by making good decisions that allow them to prosper and be happy, because that is what every parent wants for their child. 

I look forward to understanding God’s perspective of the parent/child relationship. Until then, I can only speculate and continue to live in the tension.