Ricochet is the best place on the internet to discuss the issues of the day, either through commenting on posts or writing your own for our active and dynamic community in a fully moderated environment. In addition, the Ricochet Audio Network offers over 50 original podcasts with new episodes released every day.
A Tiger Can Change Its Stripes
Every time someone on Ricochet says what a nice or kind person I am, I’m taken aback. After all the years of being an angry and defensive person, not all the time but a lot of the time, I’m still surprised that people like me. Whenever I mention my surprised reaction to the gracious people who’ve known me for a while on Ricochet, they don’t believe me, or are skeptical about my past turmoil. So I decided to share the changes I went through over the years to persuade you that I really was a quite different person, but maybe more important, people can change who they are, right to the core, if they are determined to do it.
Since I don’t intend to write a tome (or expect you to read one), I’m going to focus on three key times in my life that transformed my perspective about myself and my relationship to others.
Israel
When I visited Israel, I was on the Cal. State College (then) overseas program. So I visited there along with several other students. We went there in the summer to become acclimated before the fall school year and to go through an intensive Hebrew program, and so spent a lot of time together. The women who were with me at Tel Aviv University and had come from the Cal State campuses were all on one floor.
As a pretty reserved person back then, I was in shock when I realized I was with a very friendly and demonstrative group! I mean, they hugged one another. At first I felt uncomfortable and bewildered. But when I allowed myself to open to their warmth and generosity, I joined in. I discovered that a part of me loved being connected to others and to be automatically welcomed as part of the group. I could feel the loosening of my defensive barriers.
Mom
My mother and I had shared a testy relationship for many years. I now know that we were two defensive and frightened females trying to protect ourselves from the challenges of the world. My behavior toward her was atrocious; I would resolve myself to be patient with her, and then she would say or do something that would set me off. (Sometimes it was a rational annoyance, at other times it made no sense.) Finally, and I don’t know what stimulated it, I resolved to mend fences with her and establish a loving relationship. I sent her a letter, apologizing for all the years of misanthropic behavior, taking full responsibility, and sent it to her; I said I would call her in three days to learn if she would accept my apology. I agonized for three days, worrying that I would be attacked without reservation. Instead, when I called, she said that she would be happy to accept my apology, and that she figured that at some point I would come around. That was probably after 40 years of abuse. From that day forward, I still found myself bristling at some things she said and did, but I reminded myself that I was the problem, not her. I also learned which topics not to bring up in order to lessen the tensions between us. And perhaps most important, we learned to really love and enjoy each other and had a delightful time sharing our silly goofs in our lives, almost having a competition for who was the silliest. The laughter was an important part of our healing. And the more open and loving I behaved, the more open and loving I felt.
Jerry
For years I had watched my mother’s angry behavior toward my father and us kids. She wasn’t angry all the time, but those events were stormy encounters. So that’s part of what I learned about how wives should act toward husbands.
But more than that, I was an unhappy, angry and frightened woman. I expected my husband to make me happy. I expected him to be a different kind of person than he was, even though he was kind and caring. And I found many reasons to blast him with my disappointment and frustration. The fact that he was working full-time and going to college full-time exacerbated the tensions.
But at some point, I realized that I was damaging our relationship, and I don’t know why I woke up. I had to look at myself closely, went into therapy for a time, and realized that for the most part, our problems were mostly my problems. It wasn’t up to him to make me happy; I needed to be the source of my own happiness. We both had to find ways to negotiate our differences, work to make our relationship stronger and more loving (which Jerry was more than willing to do), and express ongoingly our appreciation of each other and of the efforts we were making.
* * * *
The more I treated people in a kind and loving way, the happier I was—and so was everyone else. I developed a sense of humor and I love to be silly when I have the chance. I like to be helpful—the teacher in me has always been strong—but I also have to work hard at not giving advice every chance I get.
I have not always been successful at mending fences. My sister still doesn’t want anything to do with me. I have alienated and angered other family members and they are not interested in working things out. So I am still capable of outbursts and hurtful behavior. Old habits are hard to break.
But mostly, I prefer life with joy and love.
Perhaps the most important point is that all of us can make changes to our attitudes and behaviors. But key aspects of making those changes are to accept responsibility, apologize when we mess up, realize that we are flawed human beings, and don’t give up, even if our changes seem to be two steps forward, one step back.
Loving relationships are worth every bit of the effort.
Published in Culture
I am a believer in faking it, ’til you make it.
I also found that St John’s Wort helped me to resist snapping at my loved ones.
If it helps, I’ve never said that…
It’s a darn good thing!! ;-)
I’ve been on a serotonin uplifter which takes off some of the edges, but I began taking it long after I had made the life changes. The medication makes it easier.
It just occurred to me the reason I’m so impatient with those people who react in negative and predictable ways to comments on Ricochet for any number of reasons. Some try to explain that it’s so hard to change, but I believe the true reason is that changing is hard work! It also requires a commitment to maintaining relationships, and people have excuses why they shouldn’t be expected to do that. Fine. But just remember where the responsibility lies for the kerfuffle. (Don’t you love that word?)
With age comes wisdom. At least for some.
True, Seawriter, and that was likely a factor for me. At the same time, acting on our wisdom may be a different story.
I’m happy for you. It’s hard work being crabby and angry. It’s much easier on your body to be at peace with others (most of the time.)
Excellent point, EODmom! It’s exhausting to be in that state; I think I sensed that I had to be at the ready in case something unexpected happen. At times I still retain that perspective, but most of the time I cope well.
That is why I added “At least for some.” There are some elderly members of Ricochet who have convinced me they can swim all day in the Sea of Knowledge and not get wet.
So true! And it makes me sad. Then again, I have to remind myself that it’s not my problem, nor is it my job to fix them!
Okay, Susan, I’ll say it.
Susan Quinn is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.
It’s interesting that, in examples #2 and #3, you had some sort of epiphany (“I don’t know what stimulated it” and “I don’t know why I woke up”) that was the catalyst for your change. Someone can work as hard as possible to change; but unless he has that fundamental, almost subconscious, realization that change is necessary, he probably won’t succeed.
I’ve only had that realization once or twice in my life and was able to change. Most of the time, my resolutions to act in a different, better way don’t last very long.
I am very happy that this particular tiger was able to change her stripes.
It isn’t. Nor mine. Life is too short, anyway to waste doing that.
One thing I learned in my psychology graduate school days is this maxim:
Do the behavior, the feelings will follow. Act, and your feelings will reflect the new action. It does take time, but it works.
Another thing I learned, is that you are not responsible for another person’s feelings. And the Left these days is totally convinced of the opposite, which is the original of the “safe spaces” fallacy that most kids are taught every day.
“Loving relationships are worth every bit of the effort.”
Absolutely true. For some of us pickleball is the next best option.
You’re a very nice and kind person.
(Please post pics of you being taken aback . . .)
That is too funny! I wouldn’t know; I don’t play pickleball.