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LANSING, MI – The FBI announced today that yet another kidnap plot against Gov. Gretchen Whitmer has been foiled. The 11 undercover agents posing as members of the conspiracy calling itself The Patriot Twelve arrested Earl T. Kowalczyk of Petosky, MI, for his role.
“This why we need to support all Democratic candidates to save our democracy against the ultra-mega MAGA enemies of our freedom,” said Gov. Whitmer upon hearing news of the arrest.
PHILADELPHIA, PA – Both Nate Silver and Larry Sabato report no post-debate movement among unverified, deceased, and fictitious voters in Pennsylvania. That bloc of as many as 500,000 potential votes is still expected to approach 98-104 percent in favor of Fetterman.
DENVER, CO – Senator Mike Bennet today said that his opponent Joe O’Dea was an “ultra-mega-ultra-total MAGA” Trump supporter and that Trump was lying when he vociferously denounced O’Dea as a “RINO” who would garner no MAGA votes.
When asked whether this bizarre and conspicuously false campaign tactic reflected nervousness or even desperation, a Bennet campaign spokesman raced to a restroom and reportedly refused to come out until the “mean people went away.”
TALLAHASSEE, FL — Democratic gubernatorial candidate Charlie Crist made a surprise announcement that he is dropping out of the race to accept a role as George Hamilton’s long-lost fraternal twin brother in a sitcom to air on Hulu. Further details will be released in a presser in LA later this week.
Several Florida Democratic candidates in other races hailed his departure as a boost for the state party’s image.
WASHINGTON, DC — Ernst Teuflisch, Democratic fundraiser and chief lobbyist for the Church of Satan, denied that House Speaker Pelosi was involved in the planning of The Offering, a since-canceled election eve live broadcast of abortions being performed in several US cities. He refused, however, to say whether Senator Liz Warren had planned to MC the event.
PHOENIX, AZ — Senator Mark Kelly faced an unusually combative campaign press corps today asking why his once-formidable lead in the polls appeared to be collapsing. His stock reply that “did you know that I was an astronaut” did not prevent follow-up questions about his 97 percent voting support for Biden and 100 percent for Biden’s energy plans.
Analysts say that his campaign’s preferred slogan, “Donald Trump was never an astronaut,” did not test well with focus groups and they are still trying to come up with a new one at this late date.
WASHINGTON, DC – Attorney General Merrick Garland denied reports that the large temporary prisons being erected 12 miles south of Washington were for planned mass arrests of pro-life supporters. He said that other conservatives and enemies of the regime would also be housed there.
“Advocates of ‘free speech’ and other enemies of our democracy will need to be dealt with while we still can,” said the USAG in a prepared statement. “If this election threatens democracy, we will need to act.”Published in