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I met yesterday with my political adviser, Phil A. Buster, in his new double-wide overlooking the city sewage treatment plant. I told him I was considering another Senate run.
“You sure?” he asked. “You only got three hundred votes the last time, and I think a lot of those were mistakes.”
“My voters were suppressed statewide,” I said. “This time, I’ve come up with a platform with mass appeal.”
“You mean like Biden’s Taiwan policy?”
“Exactly. He nailed that one. The CCP doesn’t know what Biden means.”
“Neither does Biden,” Phil said.
“But that’s the beauty of strategic ambiguity. I’m using it on every issue.”
“Not sure that’s doable,” he said.
“It most certainly is. You name an issue and I’ll tell you my position.”
“Easy. I am for strict control of our open borders.”
“You stole that idea from Mayorkas,” Phil said. “Crime is big these days.”
“I pledge to introduce a new jury finding in criminal cases: ‘Perhaps Guilty.’”
“Not vague enough. How about: “Not guilty by reason of confusion.”
“Maybe,” I said. “On abortion, my stance is perfect for the voters.”
“What is it?”
“Absolute prohibition unless the mother thinks she really needs one.”
“What about government funding of it?”
“Not one dollar for abortions. Crypto only.”
“Damn,” Phil said. “That’s genius. How about climate change?”
“All for it,” I said. “Four times a year, give or take.”
“I don’t understand,” Phil said.
“See? It’s spot on. I need to start fundraising. Are you in?”
“Maybe,” Phil said.Published in