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The Long-term Consequence of Temporary Compromise
I didn’t grow up in a moral home. By kindergarten, I was tapping beer kegs. By elementary school, I was curiously inspecting my father’s bong. By junior high, I was heavily addicted to pornography with a readily available supply. And by high school, I was treating women like toilet paper. Changing wives, pinup calendars, gaming the system … I’d learned that these were just things men do. I watched my able-bodied stepfather create a permanent dent in the sofa while cashing disability checks and enjoying endless reruns of Magnum P.I. I learned how to justify deception and to take whatever you can get while letting others shoulder the cost. Naturally, I rejected responsibility and lived as I saw fit, not caring much about others, how they perceived me, or whom got trampled along the way. I learned to justify any decision if it offered temporary victory. Of course, there were times when I went too far, prompting some rare lectures from my devastated mother (whom I later learned was making some painful compromises of her own) but these were few and far between and the men always had the greater influence on me.
What do young men raised like this become? Over the last several months, it’s pained me to see how fleeting supposedly bedrock standards are when tested in the fire of potential defeat. Seemingly principled men and women — some of whom I highly respect — have spoken passionately one week of core principles, only to abruptly and wantonly set them aside a few weeks later as politically inexpedient. The very cancer they warned would destroy us was to be embraced in light of new circumstances. The wind blows, and the house made of straw dissolves in a world where behaviors not tolerated in our children are (somehow) inconsequential when exhibited writ-large in leaders.
I have four sons and three daughters. Every day of their lives, I’m keenly aware of my role in shaping their characters and I consider it my greatest privilege and my highest calling. By what standard will the men of tomorrow, growing-up in these days, measure their decisions? Will they look to their fathers and see men willing to cast aside everything they believe in for the uncertain chance of a decent judicial appointment? Will others remember seeing that their fathers would not do so? And how will those conversations go? “Forget what I said last week son, the politics have changed.” Perhaps temporary moral compromise does yield important short-term victories, but it also risks influencing a generation of men to believe that women are disposable, that respecting others is only marginally as important as seizing control, that one can buy anything (or anyone) to achieve any end, and that God’s standards are best left out of some arenas.
A generation of men like that will make the Supreme Court of it’s time an instrument of evil. They will become husbands lacking character, unfit for honorable deeds. They will produce standards where ridiculing the weak is brushed away as media demagoguery. They will create a society void of ethical restraint nor any framework for understanding the meaning of the word.
I began with examples of my father’s failings. Let me now redeem him a bit and point out that — though lacking in many areas morally — he had the wisdom of experience in others, some of which may be particularly suitable today: That one should always be quick to forgive, that complaining only makes you look the fool, that belittling others is wrong, and that if you’re going to follow a leader, be sure you know where he’s going.
Published in Culture
I could not look my kids in the eye if I didn’t try to stop Clinton despite the other person’s many faults. Ironic how we both feel the need to do what’s best for our kids yet do it so very differently. My son will be deployed next year, I know who I don’t want to be his Commander in Chief
On a different note it’s wonderful to see anyone overcoming tough times to be a good parent. Kudos.
Tell him my family thanks him.
Excellent post Vince. We can compromise ourselves right into the snake pit while claiming we are choosing from the best of the options available. Or we can speak the most important word in the lexicon of virtue: “No.” To the lot of them.
Thank you for sharing this, Vince.
A very thoughtful post, Vince. I hope you will write more about your life and how you came to your present circumstances.
Thanks for the transparency. I don’t gather this was an easy article to write, but it rings very true.
Thank you for this post.
I have asked the same question: how would I explain my vote to my grandchildren?
Which has led me to my present conclusion; vote for the candidate whose presidency will more likely rapidly lead to #Texit. I do not believe the nation as we knew it can be saved as a whole. So to get to Texit, we will need a populace in Red States that absolutely, unequivocally despises the POTUS.
Which is why I am voting for Hillary Clinton. History will be the judge.
I had a childhood similar to what you describe, only from the female side. (My stepdad watched He-Man, and there were no disability checks, just straight welfare.) Being an adolescent female in that environment is a real treat, let me tell ya.
You have articulated much of the incredible frustration and dismay with which I have observed the current election cycle. I know people who claim to be reluctant Trump voters (but the Supreme Court!) who now clog my social media with enthusiastic pro-Trump propaganda and I wonder at the phenomenon.
It’s unsettling, and I desperately hope I am wrong about everything because I have five children who are just beginning their adult lives and will have to raise families in this rapidly changing country of ours. I struggle not to be frightened for them.
After love, the most important thing a parent gives a child is structure. Children need to be able to trust that adults will bear adult responsibility. That they will keep their word, and enforce the rules that keep kids safe. When that trust is broken, children can pick up the message that they are on their own and rules don’t matter.
Our leaders are not our parents — they should be our equals in a citizen republic — but they, too, are in a position of trust, responsibility, and authority. When they make sweeping declarations one day, only to reverse them the next, we not only lose faith in them individually but we also lose a little faith in the system that tolerates them. All the moreso when blatant corruption goes unpunished and even gets rewarded. We learn that we are on our own and the rules don’t matter.
I too have been deeply disappointed by the public figures whose words of apocalyptic warning morphed into one great big shrug. Were they wrong then, or now? What have they learned? They don’t even respect us enough to acknowledge their 180. Our leadership is not equal to the moment.
Nonetheless, we should distinguish between public figures and the rest of us. Hold your nose and vote as you see fit. Your individual vote probably won’t matter much to the outcome of the election. What will matter is the reason you give to your children for why you voted as you did.
You have certainly passed through the fires, Vince. Thank you for sharing your story. Too many people never find their way, get stuck in the morass, and live lives of superficiality and convenience. Your children are very lucky to have you.
Thanks, Vince. I’d really like to hear how you overcame the bad examples of your childhood. And I’m with you. I will not vote for either of these horrible people and boy do my kids know it! They are all with me too.
Hi Vince!
Have you posted about your story and how you became so different from the men you were raised with? Let me know where you have it, I’m sure it is as compelling as your post.
Thanks!
Diane
Becoming who we are, and raising our children is an essay question.
Voting is multiple choice.
Being a principled dad in tough political times is supposed to be my schtick here on Ricochet! Alas there’s room at this podium, even if I have to defer to better writing and a more compelling narrative, I can do so knowing that the gist of my argument has been made better than I have done to date.
Perhaps @DocJay and I should recruit you for a return of the Dadcast. For the two or three who may have heard it, today’s times may provide more fruit for content.
First and foremost, I agree that lacking a father as a constant, an example of character, is a severe disadvantage for children, especially boys. You also prove that this disadvantage can be overcome, and recognized, so that the disadvantage is not repeated for the next generation. Unfortunately, high character fathers can also produce monsters, but luckily, that is the great, sad exception.
But there is more to character than principle. There is measure, forgiveness, reconciliation and comportment. We are, after all, social creatures and all flawed ones at that. One does not have to jettison principles to be gracious. I disagree with Obama’s politics on so many levels, but if we chanced to meet in a neutral setting, I would treat him with the appropriate deference and respect and I would defer my principle objections for the sake of polite decency.
We all love a rebel, but there is time for fighting and time to put aside differences for the sake of common courtesy. Those who know this, and can exercise discretion, are the better men. Those who cannot are caustic and lack good judgment.
My daughters are being raised in a loving home by decent, responsible parents with an extended family offering love and support in admirable and remarkable ways. Still, they’ve learned what it is to suffer through no fault of their own in a fallen world. My kids know this ain’t heaven.
As such, they’ve also learned there’s very little over which we have control. They’ve watched their parents do the best we can with the difficulties we’ve been dealt, having been forced by circumstances to make less than ideal choices. We take responsibility. We choose.
My oldest casts her first vote this fall. Her dad and I have told her we’d understand if she chooses to mark “None of the above” for president, but we’re voting for Trump. We’ve used our best judgment to conclude that the small chance we have of him doing something to pull this country out of its steep decline is the best we can do this cycle.
She also knows she’d better not tell us if she votes for Hillary. She might not get an invitation home for the holidays. We’re not too worried, though. She’s starting at Hillsdale next month.
Prager says it almost every day. The Left is ruining this country. They’re walking the battlefield shooting the wounded. My highest priority for my country is to defeat the Left. #DenyHillary&BatheInHerTears
Moving post. To quote somebody, “Vote your conscience.”
It’s not moral relevance, it’s a preference cascade.
I’d have preferred Scott Walker. Didn’t get him.
I’d have preferred Rick Perry. Didn’t get him.
I’d have preferred Ted Cruz. Didn’t get him.
So now, my choices are Trump or Hillary (no, voting for someone claims to be a lover of liberty and then puts William Weld on the ticket is NOT an option).
My choice is to support Trump over Hillary. You can prefer that neither of them will win, but your preference here will have little effect on the eventual outcome: One of them is going to win, whether you like it or not.
But it means a lot to not have endorsed either one in any way and to be able to tell that to your children and grandchildren–I do not vote for people of no character.
I have to admit this conclusion absolutely stumps me.
But then, I have chosen to live in and love a purple state, and I am ultimately uncomfortable, from my limited human perspective, deciding what can still be saved and what cannot.
I don’t have many rules in life, but one of them is, “Don’t allow, by action or inaction, someone who allowed an American ambassador to die at the hands of Islamic radicals”. Or allow someone to be President who broke every ethics rule there is. Or someone who looks at the Constitution as an impediment and will nominate at least one Supreme Court judge during their term.
Is Trump a weasel? Yep. Don’t like him one bit. But I like Hillary even less. The difference between those two options may be greater for me than it is for others here, but there is a difference. There is no moral equivalency here, one has track record that should qualify her for prison, and one, while shady, does not. “Might be” a bad President trumps (pardon the pun…) “will be”a bad President.
I understand and respect your choice, but that is not how I see it. I think we can respect one another’s choices.
You don’t worry that your children and grandchildren will view this decision not to choose as an abdication of your responsibilities?
Having been put in situations where not choosing (between long term consequences and the risk of sudden death of your child) is not an option, I find this political decision to oppose the Left at every opportunity rather easy — and completely explicable to my kids. Life is hard. You do the best you can and pray to God for mercy.
As @kevincreighton says above (#18): “You can prefer that neither of them will win, but your preference here will have little effect on the eventual outcome: One of them is going to win, whether you like it or not.”
I live in Seattle. My vote does not count either way. Washington State will go for Hillary regardless of who I vote for. Does this mean that my intended course of action (vote my conscience) is nothing more than a form of “cheap grace,” because it costs me nothing?
Very good article, Vince. Thank you for writing it.
Like I say, I respect your choice, but it isn’t how I see the situation. I think Trump is also the left. I just hope we can live to fight another day for conservatism. I have lefty friends who have told me that they can respect conservatism, but they cannot respect Trump. That’s how I see it–we become the party of Trump, then conservatism is dead. So I loudly and proudly repudiate Trump. We need a group who does this if we are ever to come back from Trumpism.
I just saw this on facebook this morning:
Here is the most critical question for all those who didn’t like Ted’s speech. When he asked people to vote for a candidate who shares your values and would defend the constitution, why didn’t you think he was talking about your candidate?
A generation of men who stand by and do nothing, knowing that by doing nothing it is almost certain the Supreme Court will be altered in ways that will eviscerate freedom, will not be able to honestly say to their children they were acting on principle. Abandoning the chance, the mere chance, for a better outcome, in order to make yourself feel better, is immoral and unprincipled.
Although voting is on a lower moral plane than military service, it is the man or woman who is willing to take up a gun and kill to defend the country who is acting in a principled manner, not the conscientious objector who allows others to burden their conscience to protect the country that provides for his family. I do not like the choice we have, either. But I’m willing to take the guilt of making that choice. And I will proudly tell my children that I did what I could, when I could, even if it turns out that Trump is as bad as Hillary. Better to have tried and failed, than to have walked away from the fight.
If that’s all that were at stake it would be easy. The very soul of conservatism is also at stake, however, so the choice is actually not so simple. We need people to repudiate Trumpism because it is not conservative and to tell that to the world. It’s the long vs. the short/medium term. Now, maybe we can have it both ways. Maybe some of you can elect Trump and get the conservative justice for us and some of us can repudiate him and keep conservatism alive. Right now, that is the best we can hope for. It’s a narrow road to walk, but probably our best option. I really do like the idea of impeaching him very quickly after election. President Pence would be a relief. That’s another excellent option. Trump will certainly do something to deserve it. But of course, that is not guaranteed, and we still need to repudiators to do their work, so that’s where I remain.
Is there any indication that conservatism will survive a Hillary Presidency? Her predecessor gleefully sic’d the IRS on his opposition, will she do less? She flouted Federal law to cover her tracks as a cabinet member, what will she do as President? Yes, if Trump becomes President, we will have issues re-branding the GOP as the party of freedom, with Hillary as President, though, the GOP will have issues with its continued existence.
You think the media will carry oceans of water for him the way they’ve done for Hillary and Obama? You think academia will extol his policies and speeches as unprecedented and the best America has produced since Lincoln? You think Hollywood will produce hagiographies of President Donald Trump? You think he’d appoint judges as left wing as Kagan, Sotomayor, and Ginsberg to the SCOTUS? You think Congressional Republicans will fold to his outlandish trade proposals from fear of being accused of racism or sexism if Trump is elected?
We disagree. Profoundly.