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Ask Amelia: Hang the Warhol
It’s Friday, which means it’s time for Amelia Hamilton to answer all your questions about horoscopes, hard sells and Hollywood!
Dear Amelia, What is this Mercury in retrograde thing all about? Am I about to be turned into a newt by newly-empowered witches? — @Jimmiebjr
Dear Jimmie,
I’m certainly no expert, but Google is! Here’s the deal with Mercury in retrograde: It’s crazy, and it lasts three weeks (May 18 – June 11, this time). You might have communication mishaps, lose your keys, or feel like you’re swimming upstream. Don’t sign anything, don’t make any big purchases, don’t make any big decisions. Plan things well. I once heard that exes start lurking when Mercury is in retrograde, so get ready for things to be awkward with the ladies in your past. Tread carefully!
Dear Amelia,
I’m a stay-at-home-mom and all the rage these days for women in my neighborhood is selling essential oils. ALL THE TIME. It seems like everyone I know, and many I don’t, are selling them. Which is fine. I’m all for moms finding creative ways to earn while at home, and there are some health benefits to the oil craze.
But these ladies are becoming the Jehovah’s Witnesses of products. They never stop selling. At my mom’s groups, girls’ night out, playdates, even on Facebook. If I mention I have the sniffles, someone is trying to sell me an oil. If I mention I have a headache — oils. I mentioned being out of dryer sheets and a lady next to me launched into a 15-minute pitch about replacing my dryer sheets with essential oils! I recently had a very serious and painful eye condition and my friends tried to tell me I could get rid of it with OILS!
I’m getting sick of all the pitches. I politely say no, and they condescendingly tell me I don’t know what I’m missing and keep trying to pitch them anyway. I don’t know what to do; I’m at my wits’ end. “No” isn’t good enough for them and they’re multiplying. EVERYONE sells them now. How I can get my friends to leave me alone about this?
Signed,
I’m Fine Using Aspirin, Thanks
Dear Aspirin,
I prefer Advil, but whatever.
If they’re not taking hints, you might just need to flat out tell them (in person or in one fell swoop on Facebook) that you appreciate their concern (for their own pocketbooks, but whatever), but that you aren’t interested in essential oils. If they’re that rabid, you’ll just have to wait for the essential oil craze to die down. Then they’ll try to sell you something that you might actually want.
Until that day: polite but firm.
Dear Amelia,
I’m starting a new job at a very big Hollywood studio in a couple of weeks. My question is, do I put all my personally signed right wing books on the shelf and hang my Andy Warhol gun picture? Or, do I have to put Rolling Stone magazines on my desk and hang a “Ready for Hillary” poster? Please note, I kinda would like to keep my job.
@AnitaGunn
Dear Anita,
Congratulations on the new opportunity! I would ease people into it, so that they get to know you as an awesome co-worker before they know about your politics. Hang the Warhol, as I feel confident that their movie posters feature guns, too. Be yourself, and maybe you’ll open up a few minds in Hollywood. Wouldn’t that be something? Enjoy your new job, and we will enjoy having a subversive agent working from inside the belly of the beast.
Agree? Disagree? Have something to add? Leave a comment!
To ask a question, tweet to #AskAmHam or e-mail askamelia@mail.com.
Published in General
Anita, with your surname you have the perfect excuse to hang the gun picture.
Which essential oil is right for the crankcase of my newly purchased used car?
Dear “Fine Using,”
Tell them you have a severe, life-threatening allergic reaction to oils, and ask if they have an epi pen among their wares.
I knew I picked the wrong three weeks to stop sniffing glue.
Re: essential oils
My wonderful bride and young adult daughter have been taken under the spell of a family friend who is an organic/gluten-free/dairy free/non-GMO/essential oil pushing witch. Does that sound harsh? It was intended to.
I used to love to cook – and for 28 years the members of my family raved about my cooking. But now I can’t use cheese. Or sour cream. Or dairy of any kind. Ever had mashed potatoes using coconut cream to moisten them rather than butter & sour cream? There’s a funky taste to them – not terrible, but certainly not what mashed potatoes are supposed to taste like. Ever tried making mac & cheese without cheese? Good luck. I can’t use hamburger anymore – only ground turkey or chicken. The veggies, rather than being fertilized by chemicals are now fertilized by cow $@#%. And they cost twice as much. All of this crap costs twice as much. I no longer love to cook.
Living in the Willamette Valley of Oregon (i.e. allergy capitol of the world), I struggle with sniffles & sinus headaches this time of year. RUB SOME OF THIS OIL ON YOUR WRISTS! Oh Bull$@#%!!!!
Anyone know a good exorcist or counter spell?
Tell Aspirin to fight fire with fire. Pick up a few Watchtower pamphlets and some insurance brochures and become an insurance selling Jehovah’s Witness.
I knew I picked the wrong three weeks to stop sniffing essential oils.
But it is “science”. You as a conservative, science denier, climate change denier, etc can not understand this “science” so don’t even try.
I will confess to receiving some nasty looks when I refer to the stuff as voodoo.