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And The Winner Is …
Yesterday’s Conspiracy Game generated such a remarkable efflorescence of lunatic creativity that frankly, I’m a little worried about all of you and not sure we should be hanging out together so often. I’m put in mind of that great scene in David Lodge’s Changing Places–the one where all the academics at the dinner table play a game in which they name great literary classics they’ve never read, with the winner being the one who exhibits the most woeful literary ignorance. In a fit of competitive zeal, the chair of the English Department blurts out that he’s never read Hamlet, thus winning the game–but losing his job.
Anyway, there were many outstanding entries in this century’s contest (you read that right: this century. We are slapping a lid on this now). The judges had great difficulty deciding among such talented competitors, so much so that in fact we didn’t decide. In the Great New American Tradition of low standards and universal self-esteem, you’re all winners. I promised to share my best tinfoil-hat anecdote with the winner, and since you’re all winners, here you go.
***
I have it on good authority from a source deep in the CIA that this really happened. Apparently, some woman drove up to the front gate of Headquarters one day, got out of her battered camper van and removed a carefully constructed helmet from her head. The helmet, as she showed the guard, was lined with tin foil and an elaborate nest of tangled copper wires. “I am here to tell you,” she told the guard, “that I am receiving radio transmissions from your organization, and I will not obey your orders any more! I will not obey!”
The guard had apparently seen one too many wackos that day, and he eyed her appraisingly. “Ma’am,” he said politely, “let me ask you. Are the transmissions you’ve been receiving in VHF or UHF?”
The woman looked slightly taken aback, but quickly decided: “They’re VHF, young man, they’re VHF!”
“I’m sorry, ma’am, but our transmissions are exclusively in UHF. What you’ll be wanting is the Department of Defense, down the road.”
The woman thanked him gratefully and shuffled off, clutching that lunatic helmet, never to be seen again.
***
I’m pretty sure this is a true story.
Congratulations, winners.
Published in General
We’re all winners?? That’s like the silly “self-esteem” regimen in public schools, where they don’t keep score at baseball games and even the fat kids get a ribbon for participation.
Ricochet was supposed to be better than this! I demand not only the right to lose, but to have my paper returned to me with snarky comments written in the margins. In red.
OK, Kenneth, if you insist, you’re a loser.
I knew it would happen! They got to you and shut down the competition, just when we were closing in on the TRUTH!!! And I was clearly in the LEAD!!! This always happens to me….
Come here, Genie! Come look at this lovely bottle! Come, come, I have some nice genie-food in here …
Ya, well, Mrs. Thatcher still had a close encounter on the Brooklyn Bridge at 3am on Nov. 30, 1989, and the fact that this tale didn’t “win” your “contest” proves you’re the alien. There’s nothing really wrong with being an alien, you know; just fess up some day and release that burden.
I’m more than a little offended by your extra-terrestrophobia, Scott. It’s so un-American.
This whole thing was just a set-up to hurt my feelings.
This is so much fun as a spectator!
We need more caption contests. :-)
Hey, I tried to declare you a winner. You chose to be a whiner. My goodness, what has happened to our sense of personal responsibility? I blame Saul Alinsky.
Poor Kenneth…WE think you’re wonderful.
This whole thing was just a set-up to hurt my feelings. ·Aug 16 at 8:13am
Poor Kenneth…WE think you’re wonderful. ·Aug 16 at 8:49am
Don’t try to fool me. You were in on it the whole time.
Genies eat cats. Marinated.
Hey, do not make me into the bully here. The record shows clearly that I thought Kenneth was wonderful and wanted to make him a winner. He insisted on being a loser, and he’s the customer, and we here at Ricochet believe the customer is always right. What could I do? Don’t you see how he forced me into a corner? He probably called the media in advance, too, so they could arrive just at the moment I called him a loser. Now the headlines are going to read, “Cruel Ricochet Contributor Abuses Kenneth!” and no one’s going to report that he made me do it.
Claire Berlinski: I promised to share my best tinfoil-hat anecdote with the winner.
Fun fact:
Though the reasons for wearing a tinfoil hat are crazy (unless you’re playing the Tin Man in a production of the Wizard of Oz or something), the actual idea of using a tinfoil hat to protect your brain from “waves” or “radiation” isn’t that crazy:
A metal hat makes a partial Faraday Cage for your head, giving your brain some electromagnetic shielding. So...If there were evil electromagnetic waves out there trying to get into your head, wearing a tinfoil hat would be a practical solution.
Low-frequency magnetic fields still get through, though. So tinfoil hats won’t solve everything.
The judges had great difficulty deciding among such talented competitors, so much so that in fact we didn’t decide. In the Great New American Tradition of low standards and universal self-esteem, you’re all winners.
Congratulations, winners. ·
This is such a surprise. I didn’t expect to win. Though, looking back, I probably should have.
I’d like to sincerely thank all the little people who nearly contributed to my achievement. You know who you are.
everyone who can read knows I had this won…you just don’t want the world knowing Castro killed JFK, they got to you didn’t they????!!!!
OK. I have to admit I laughed really hard when Claire said you’re a loser. But, it’s all in good fun. :-)
Andrea Ryan
Kenneth
He’ll thank you some day when he looks back and realizes this was the pivotal point in his life where his character got built. A little tough love is good sometimes.