Ok, so you’ve had a long week of presidential politics. You’ve been so thoroughly saturated with convention coverage that you’ll likely fire a handgun at your television the next time you see David Gergen’s face (don’t fight this instinct…it’s what separates us from the animals). And now it’s Labor Day weekend, college football is coming back, and the last thing you want to do is think for even a second about the American presidency. Hold that thought. You need to read this first.

Over at Face in the Blue, Geoff Micks has compiled an essay as epic as its title: “In a Mass Knife Fight to the Death Between Every American President, Who Would Win and Why?” And yes, he’s breaking down all 43 competitors for you. A few of my favorites:

4) James Madison. He’s just too short. I’m sorry: You need reach in a knife fight. The bravado of the philosophy behind Manifest Destiny only gets you so far. He’ll die early, and his small corpse will be one of the least important tripping hazards as the battle wears on.

27) William Howard Taft. What did that man look like in his prime? I suspect even at his most physically fit he could go toe to toe with the stereotypical 21st Century Wal-Mart patron. I just don’t think he was ever healthy enough to make a good showing in this arena. Dead early, and his corpse might well be used as a low wall or some sort of artificial hill to lend advantage to his conquerors.

28) Woodrow Wilson. A brilliant mind and a delicate physique. Dead very early. If Teddy Roosevelt in his prime knew that Wilson would be president after him, I suspect Wilson would be a hunted man early in the fight.

39) Jimmy Carter and a knife fight is a comical thought to me. Among the first dead would be my suspicion.

Read it all. Now. You can thank me later.