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Who Is Your Ideal?
I blame this one on the PIT. The internet seems to serve only a couple of core functions: cat pictures, getting into grudge matches with total strangers, and taking ill-designed quizzes like “Who you’d be in King Arthur’s Court,” “Your Medieval Job,” “Who you would be in the Fellowship of the Ring,” or “How quickly would you be killed in a horror film.” Chief among these miscreant quizzes are the Romantic quizzes. “Who is your ideal man (or woman)?” “Who would be your soul mate?” Etc. These quizzes invariably pair you with wifty personality descriptions that have all the specificity of a daily horoscope, and are topped with celebrity glam shots. So yes, your soul mate really is Keira Knightley, or Idris Elba, or some supermodel or another. I call bollocks.
You see, a well-designed quiz should always have the possibility of at least mediocrity, or at worst some sort of bad fear. An honest quiz should realistically pair some people up with a genuine schlub, or a harridan, or a looney. One such quiz was posted in the PIT (Your ideal man), and for kicks, I took it and answered (insofar as the questions allowed) as if it were asking about my ideal woman. This is the response I got, edited of course to correct for sex (with some editorial remarks added too):
Your ideal [woman] has [long] dark-brown hair, blue eyes that can see into your soul (into the yawning black abyss), mildly tanned skin tone, [narrow] shoulders, thin figure and a hint of scruffy beard (sure, I’ll leave that one in). Your [woman] is in [her] late 30’s, he has a nice writing career (and very big dreams for the future that no one’s sure [she’ll] ever accomplish [because she’s a slacker who writes weird fan fiction, duh!]), [her] own apartment in the city (totally not what I’d be looking for – I’d prefer out of the city), and a very easy going attitude. This [gal] is a great listener, and always willing to give you advice (especially when not requested or wanted). [She] has a witty sense of humor (and always has to show off about it), she is passionate about cooking and loves a good* scoop of ice-cream at the end of the day.
*as opposed to an evil scoop of ice cream
The celebrity picture? Jake Gyllenhaal? OK, nearest female match would be his sister, Maggie. Now I’ll grant that Maggie is cute and all, but she’s a looney, so this quiz is clearly of a poor design. I shudder to think of all the poor women of this world who have chosen their mates using this quiz.
A well-designed quiz would at least have the possibility of drawing some losers from the deck (and would naturally also offer some encouragement to those poor benighted souls), and some wild cards too. If these quizzes were honest we’d at least see something like this:
Your ideal man has thinning hair and a bad comb-over, bloodshot hazel eyes that can distinguish most colors if the bars haven’t opened yet, pockmarked skin with rosacea, sloped shoulders, portly figure and a perpetual 5-o’clock shadow. Your man is in his late 50’s, he has a failed food service career (and always talks about the time he almost landed a part as a corpse on Law and Order), his own apartment in his mother’s basement, and a very controlling attitude. This guy is a great talker, and always willing to give you advice and lucky lottery numbers. He has no sense of humor, is easily offended in his confusion, is passionate about UFOs, and loves a good Colt 45 when the bars throw him out.
Or this:
Your ideal woman has butt-length dreadlocks, a lazy eye, a spray-on tan that makes Trump’s orange seem pale by comparison, slumped shoulders, and a perpetual scowl. Your woman is somewhere between 35 and 55, but dresses like she’s still 22, has a career as a perpetual protester, has authored numerous pamphlets on the evils of the cosmetics industry, shares a converted loft with 3 nearly identical roommates (that she hates, but the place is rent-controlled so she’s not moving), and adopts stray dogs. This gal is a perpetual gossip, always willing to tell you how you’re living your life all wrong, and offering to correct your chakras. Her sense of humor is best described as either non-existent, or on a 5-minute tape delay. She is passionate about hemp, loves to cook (though precisely what she’s using for herbs and spices is best not discussed), and is the first person through the door when the coffee shop opens at 6 in the morning.
So I say that in this category, the internet still has some work to do. Just think of all the people steered horribly wrong, and making life-altering decisions based on nothing more than a poorly designed quiz.
Published in Humor
I had to leave off my like because of that last bullet.
My sister and husband’s brother challenged that theory at my wedding.
Clarity is good. Even in Hell. Perhaps.
That’s easy enough to answer myself, but let’s just see what it says:
I guess I’ll have to lose some of that stability. Accurate picture though.
Things may be clearer in Hell than I’d like them to be.
Ah, how fondly I remember those long-ago halcyon days…
The grocery store is where the singles action is hottest. Even if you don’t find what you are looking for in meat or dairy, there is still a chance to check out a checkout.
Skipsul and I both have to date Jake Gyllenhal? Really? Why didn’t I get Idris whatzisname? Preferably in a uniform? What a crummy quiz.
I met my husband at a funeral I was presiding over. This was lucky, I think, because it got the whole “Reverend-Doctor Death” thing out of the way right at the start. If he could deal with that, the rest was easy.
That depends entirely on the number and attractiveness of the bridesmaids.
I would choose family gatherings.
I used to give my younger brother a hard time about still being single when he lived in Charleston, a town with an abundance of attractive women. He replied that he was just picky. And when he did get married, I had to admit he was right. Waiting for The Right One was a really good choice.