Three-Sentence Movie Review

 

My middle son, in the still-dark theater as the credits rolled after two hours and twenty minutes of War of the Planet of the Apes:

Wow. It’s like a group of screenwriters made a really stupid bet. “Who can write a movie that will make an audience boo humans and cheer monkeys?”

See? I’m not the only curmudgeon in the family.

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  1. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    Also, the movie violates my “Woody Harrelson” rule.  Any movie with Woody Harrelson in it is not to be watched.  He is the leader of the nihilistic progressive post-modern anti-western civilization and anti-human life brigade.

    • #31
  2. James Of England Inactive
    James Of England
    @JamesOfEngland

    Jamie Lockett (View Comment):
    Is it possible to watch a movie without politics intruding on the experience?

    In the same way as it’s possible to read a book, sure. Normal people can read A.S. Byatt’s Possession or The Code of the Woosters without thinking much about politics. Fewer people remain apolitical in their reading of The Handmaid’s Tale or The Fountainhead.

    When I say “normal” people, I give the game away, though. If you were a socialist in the mid-century, when Wodehouse was at his peak, you wouldn’t be able to see his books as apolitical; Code of the Woosters portrays Nazis as being similar to the socialists Wodehouse writes about elsewhere (recall that Wodehouse was an active propagandist for Hitler’s regime during the War). There’s all sorts of delegitimizing of socialist positions and normalizing and romanticizing of hierarchy.

    You and I aren’t all that far from Wodehouse’s values, so they don’t seem too prominent. When we read stuff by ardent commies, though, we’re more likely to notice and less likely to be immersed as a result.

    We don’t need films to be absolutely on the same page as us but it becomes noticeable when either the position is absurdly extreme, as is apparently the case with the Apes, or when it’s explicit. I love Agents of Shield, for instance, but the use of the line “nevertheless, she persisted” to refer to resistance to a Nazi regime, along with lots of “alternative facts”/ “fake news” and other buzzwords meant that an apolitical reading of the show would involve willful blindness.

    • #32
  3. James Of England Inactive
    James Of England
    @JamesOfEngland

    Skyler (View Comment):
    Also, the movie violates my “Woody Harrelson” rule. Any movie with Woody Harrelson in it is not to be watched. He is the leader of the nihilistic progressive post-modern anti-western civilization and anti-human life brigade.

    I feel like this rule is overinclusive with regard to White Men Can’t Jump.

    • #33
  4. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    Eugene Kriegsmann (View Comment):
    I read the original book years bofore they made the first movie. It didn’t happen on earth. That was a new ending developed for the movie. I never bought into the premise of apes taking over for man and man devolving into ape-like behavior, with loin cloths. Dumb!

    These movies are diversions, escapes from ordinary reality. Pretending they are something more is ridiculous. You take horror/zombie movies seriously? You watch them, you enjoy them, you go home, and you’ve had a couple of hours during which you didn’t have to think about Trump or the Democrats or Obamacare or taxes. If you make anything more out of the experience it isn’t the producers’ problem, it’s your’s.

    I never read the book, didn’t even know about it until recently.  It’s certainly different from the movies, but not in a good way, I expect.  It’s written by a Frenchman so I assume it’s pretty heavy on some foolish ideas.

    But I do like the original movie with Charlton Heston.  In that movie, the human wins.  Of course, there’s an apocalyptic warning about blowing up the world, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with that.  As we have developed tremendous weapons, we should always be reminded how dangerous they are.

    “Planet of the Apes” with Charlton Heston is one of my favorite movies.  I like how Taylor outsmarts the apes.

    • #34
  5. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    James Of England (View Comment):

    Skyler (View Comment):
    Also, the movie violates my “Woody Harrelson” rule. Any movie with Woody Harrelson in it is not to be watched. He is the leader of the nihilistic progressive post-modern anti-western civilization and anti-human life brigade.

    I feel like this rule is overinclusive with regard to White Men Can’t Jump.

    Nope.  Not going to watch it.

    • #35
  6. ToryWarWriter Coolidge
    ToryWarWriter
    @ToryWarWriter

    In other news the reviews for Dunkirk are amazing.

    Its the only movie I intend to watch in Imax this summer.

    • #36
  7. Doug Watt Member
    Doug Watt
    @DougWatt

    I was rooting for the iceberg in James Cameron’s Titanic. Like the iceberg my eyes’ were glazing over watching this saga with two featured characters as shallow as the North Atlantic is deep. The pristine iceberg symbolized salvation from over two hours of bum-numbing tedium, and more importantly no sequel.

    • #37
  8. James Gawron Inactive
    James Gawron
    @JamesGawron

    Doug Watt (View Comment):
    I was rooting for the iceberg in James Cameron’s Titanic. Like the iceberg my eyes’ were glazing over watching this saga with two featured characters as shallow as the North Atlantic is deep. The pristine iceberg symbolized salvation from over two hours of bum-numbing tedium, and more importantly no sequel.

    Doug,

    Excellent review!! So much time saved in unnecessary viewing distress. This is a true public service.

    Regards,

    Jim

    • #38
  9. profdlp Inactive
    profdlp
    @profdlp

    ToryWarWriter (View Comment):
    In other news the reviews for Dunkirk are amazing.

    Its the only movie I intend to watch in Imax this summer.

    It might be the only movie I see this summer “period”.  I was hoping they wouldn’t blow it and it sounds like they haven’t*.

    *Subject to change after I see it, obviously.

    • #39
  10. Stad Coolidge
    Stad
    @Stad

    Kate Braestrup (View Comment):
    I critique everything—the historical anachronisms, the failure to get even the most elementary details of police procedures and tactics right

    I do the same thing with movies that involve submarines, nuclear power, the Navy, or science and engineering in general.  My girls have rolled their eyes so many times, it’s a miracle they aren’t stuck looking inward . . .

    • #40
  11. Eugene Kriegsmann Member
    Eugene Kriegsmann
    @EugeneKriegsmann

    Skyler (View Comment):
    I never read the book, didn’t even know about it until recently. It’s certainly different from the movies, but not in a good way, I expect. It’s written by a Frenchman so I assume it’s pretty heavy on some foolish ideas.

     

    Before you make a statement like that you really should read the book. As far as I know it was written in English. I don’t remember it being a translation. The author’s name is French, that doesn’t make him an idiot. It was well written, fun to read, and involving, enough so, that havint read it more than 40 years ago, I still remember much of it.

     

    • #41
  12. Skyler Coolidge
    Skyler
    @Skyler

    Eugene Kriegsmann (View Comment):

    Skyler (View Comment):
    I never read the book, didn’t even know about it until recently. It’s certainly different from the movies, but not in a good way, I expect. It’s written by a Frenchman so I assume it’s pretty heavy on some foolish ideas.

    Before you make a statement like that you really should read the book. As far as I know it was written in English. I don’t remember it being a translation. The author’s name is French, that doesn’t make him an idiot. It was well written, fun to read, and involving, enough so, that havint read it more than 40 years ago, I still remember much of it.

    from Wikipedia and consistent with what I learned on the extras on the DVD:  “La Planète des Singes, known in English as Planet of the Apes and Monkey Planet, is a 1963 science fiction novel by French author Pierre Boulle. It was adapted into the 1968 film Planet of the Apes, launching the Planet of the Apes media franchise.”

    • #42
  13. Knotwise the Poet Member
    Knotwise the Poet
    @KnotwisethePoet

    I’m bothered to by the “humans [western imperialists] are the bad guys and need to be defeated by the other” narrative that crops up so frequently in films, but I’m still looking forward to watching “War for the Planet of the Apes.”  I enjoyed the two preceding films, which I thought were more nuanced in their depiction of the relations between the humans and the sentient apes than I had initially feared.  “Dawn of the Planet of the Apes,” I thought, did a great job of making many of the humans just as sympathetic as the apes, and the ultimate antagonist of that movie was the war-mongering ape Koba.

    I think an important thing to keep in mind with regards to the storyline of these films is that humanity is being decimated primarily not by apes but by a virus the humans created (a virus that was not intended to be harmful).  The overall tone of the first two films with regards to the humans felt more to me like lamentable tragedy and not “Haha!  Yes!  Die, humans, die!”

    • #43
  14. LC Member
    LC
    @LidensCheng

    I really liked Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. It was a great movie. I just watched War and it was just okay. Once again, the second movie in the series is the best. After the last movie, I think this movie had a lot of potential, but didn’t fully realize it, which is too bad.

    • #44
  15. Henry Castaigne Member
    Henry Castaigne
    @HenryCastaigne

    Maybe this is my human bias, (I identify as a human) but couldn’t humans be the good guys?

    • #45
  16. profdlp Inactive
    profdlp
    @profdlp

    Henry Castaigne (View Comment):
    Maybe this is my human bias, (I identify as a human) but couldn’t humans be the good guys?

    You’re showing your privilege.

    • #46
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